In the first part of this series on developing a Coaching Mindset, we mentioned briefly the role that questions play in building connections with other people and then discussed some of the roadblocks to asking questions. People often lose that childlike curiosity and they become more self-focused. In general, people are more likely to provide answers rather than ask questions, seeking to serve themselves rather than build connections or serve others.

Why is it important to build (or rebuild) that curiosity about other people and seek to develop connections with people? What is our motivation for learning to ask powerful questions?

As a Christ-follower, my tendency is to answer these questions in Biblical terms. If you have a different belief system, I hope that you will read on and see that this discussion comes around to common sense wisdom for interpersonal relationships.

Called to care about each other

As human beings, we are called to love, or care for, other people. The most straightforward statement is in the gospel of John, chapter 13, where Jesus says, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” (ESV, John 13:34, Crossway Bibles). A similar thought shows up in the Greatest Commandment, which can be paraphrased as “Love God and love people.”  Throughout the Bible we are told to love one another, the answer to how people can coexist peacefully in this world.

In today’s culture the word love is more often used as a noun referring to a feeling, that emotion that comes with attraction, romance, or desire. This is not the historical or Biblical definition of love. My favorite definition of love comes from Dr. Paul David Tripp. It’s in his book on marriage, What Did You Expect?, and in other writings. His definition is as follows: “Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving.” Love is a verb. It is a word that denotes action or a decsion. This action is most often serving the other person. In Scripture, love for our neighbor comes to life in the many “one another” commands, which instruct us to care for one another.

In summary, the world functions best when we care about each other. When we do not care for the other person, we are self-serving, putting ourselves in competition or enmity with those around us. Only when we care about the other person are we able to build connection or relationship with them.

Called to connect with each other

As human beings, we are called to connect with each other. Created in the image of a highly relational God, we are created for relationship. Within Genesis 2:18 are the words, “It is not good that the man should be alone.” (ESV, Gen 2:18a, Crossway Bibles) While this verse is often used in regard to marriage, its application is much broader. God is highly relational as evidenced by the Trinity, as evidenced by the earthly life of Jesus, and as evidenced by God’s relationship with those that choose to follow Him. As a result of being created in His image, people function better when they have strong relationships with other people. In Scripture, we are described as all being part of one body, connected to each other through Christ.

In summary, there is a desire within each person to be seen, heard, and valued by other people. In isolation, a person tends to collapse in upon themselves or to wither away. As a creature of God and a member of society, we are called to connect with other people.

The interactions between people are simply perfunctory when they consist of simply an exchange of facts and clichés. When people exist as isolated beings, lives lack the richness and meaning that results from when being connected and caring for each other. We are called to care for and connect with those around us. Individually we function better when we care and connect with others and when others care and connect with us. Society functions well only when it is composed of people who care for each other and connect with each other.

In summary, we are designed to care and connect with each other and it is our Creator’s expectation that we will do so.

Here are some coaching questions to consider: What actions on the part of others makes me feel that others care about me and desire to connect with me? What actions do I take to care for and connect with others?

This article is part of a series on the Coach Approach. For an overview, see the Intro article. Or move on to Part 3 to learn more about the motivation behind the Coach Approach.