Most people recognize that asking questions is a large part of coaching others. If fact, asking questions is an important skill that goes beyond coaching. Asking questions is a core skill to connecting with others, building relationships, and to carrying on what we might call meaningful conversations. Yet we often have difficulty making questions a large part of our conversations. Before we discuss why questions are important and how to ask powerful questions, let us first understand the hurdles that we must overcome to incorporate questions into our lifestyle.

I like to think of communications along a continuum. Towards one end of this communication continuum, is the telling dynamic where communication is very one-sided. Communication here can be commands, a monologue, there is one voice that is important. The speaker spews out information or gives commands while the recipient simply takes in (or ignores) the information being given out. The next type of communications on the continuum would be presentations and instruction.

Somewhere around the middle of the communications continuum is the talking dynamic, the point where dialogue takes place. In this place, the speaker and hearer or recipient frequently trade roles. Both parties contribute to the conversation, with one dishing out information and the other taking it in, followed by a switch in roles from speaker to hearer and vice versa. In dialogue, the conversation often (though not always) builds one statement on top of another. In this part of the continuum are polite conversations and exchanges of facts.

Towards the other end of the communications continuum, is the question-answer dynamic. Towards this end of the continuum there can actually be two very different dynamics. One is the interrogation, in which the questioner is working to elicit, or perhaps drag, information, largely facts, out of the recipient. The other question-answer dynamic is driven by curiosity, in which the questioner asks questions, perhaps powerful, thought-provoking questions, in an effort to understand and connect with the recipient. Also on this end of the continuum would be the heart-to-heart communications, where two people might exchange feelings, dreams, or other deeper topics.

It is a part of our nature to spend more time telling rather than asking. On the communications continuum, most of us are most comfortable telling, some people are fairly good at dialogue, but few of us have developed the desire or the skill for asking, especially for asking, especially for seeking personal or more intimate information.

And why is it that we are more inclined towards telling? There seem to be two major reasons.

By nurture. If you have ever spent time with a two- or three-year old, you will know that they are full of questions. Various studies have shown that children between the ages of two to five ask a question every two minutes and 36 seconds and ask anywhere between 40,000 to 438,000 questions in those three years. But this part of our nature, the strong curiosity, seems to get pushed out or trained out as we mature.

Our education system is one culprit in breaking our habit of asking questions. You don’t score well on the SAT by asking good questions, but by providing the best answers. Throughout our school experience, the emphasis is on providing the right answers. Even better if you can be the fastest one to provide answers. So, we are trained to provide answers, but we receive very little training in asking questions.

For most of us, our jobs reward us for knowing and providing answers. This is especially true in the early years of a career. Only a few careers develop our ability to ask questions of people, driven by curiosity.

So, over the years, both our education and our careers reinforce the tendency to provide information and push out our natural curiosity about other people’s lives and our inclination to ask questions.

By nature. We mentioned above that, as a child, curiosity is a strong part of our human nature. But as we mature, our tendency is to become more egocentric, more self-focused, more self-centered. This plays out in a desire to be seen as intelligent, as one who has knowledge or the answers.

As we mature, our listening skills become more focused on hearing information that pertains to us. Our brains are wired to listen with a me-centered focus to defend, to fix, to win, to gain approval, etc. Also, our competitive reflex grows stronger, that part of us that wants to “one up” someone else’s story.

Another part of our nature is seeking expediency. Providing information often takes less time than asking questions and being curious. We tend to not invest time or effort in things that don’t have a short-term benefit for ourselves, another facet of our self-focus.

In general, people are more likely to provide answers rather than ask questions, seeking to serve themselves rather than build connections or serve others. Also, we tend to spend much effort in posturing, that is, portraying how we would like to be perceived rather than presenting our authentic selves. We fear vulnerability and we flee from deeper levels of intimacy.

In his book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy, Matthew Kelly lists the seven levels at which we communicate as the following:

1. Cliché
2. Facts
3. Opinions
4. Hopes & dreams
5. Feelings
6. Faults, fears, and failures
7. Legitimate needs

People general operate within the first two levels, with clichés or facts. They fear moving beyond these two levels because the deeper levels present the reality of who we are. People tend to avoid revealing this reality for fear of not being accepted or being deemed unlovable.

So, there we have it. Most of our interactions are statements of clichés or facts. We are not likely to reveal much beyond that. And we are reticent to ask questions that demonstrate an interest in anything beyond clichés and facts.

Here are some coaching questions to consider: How much of my interactions with other people consists of clichés and facts? What keeps me from revealing or seeking to hear deeper thoughts? How much of my time in conversation is spent either in talking or thinking about myself and how much is spent in learning about and understanding the other person?

This article is part of a series on the Coach Approach. For an overview, see the Intro article. Or move on to Part 2 to learn about the motivation behind the Coach Approach.