Stepping Into Negative Emotions

As a leader, what do you do when you meet with someone who is in a negative or heightened emotional state, perhaps either very angry or sad to the point of tears. A heightened emotional state in another person, frequently causes a heightened reaction, be it either the fight or flight reaction. We might react to an angry person with an angry reply ourselves, the fight mode. Or we might react by avoiding the person or dismissing the emotions that they are feeling, the flight mode. A better response from a strong, emotionally-mature leader is to step into the emotion.

While not easy, responding by stepping into the emotion tends to make the other person feel accepted and understood. This often diffuses the emotion and brings them back into a more rational thought process in which the underlying issue can then be discussed.

From a simple neuroscience point of view, every person has a window of tolerance, a range of emotions in which they are able to feel emotions while still thinking and functioning well. Within the window of tolerance, a person can feel and express anger, for example, without being controlled by that anger. Outside of the window of tolerance, there are two zones. In the hyper-aroused zone, emotions become so strong that our thinking brain shuts down and our emotional brain takes full control. What we say and do in this state is completely driven by our emotions. There is also a hypo-aroused zone in which a person basically shuts down because the body is unable to deal with the trauma or emotions.

When we encounter someone in a heightened emotional state, they are often operating outside of their window of tolerance or in a hyper-aroused state. Therefore, they may be speaking from emotions only. If we fall into the trap of reacting and replying in a highly emotional manner, we run the risk of conducting a dialogue in which neither person is using their thinking brain but only their emotional brain.

Stepping into a discussion with a person operating in a heightened state of emotions requires that we accept, contain, explore the emotions. One of the methods to do so is to respond with exploratory questions, such as, “I see that you are very angry. Can I ask what is causing this anger?” In such a discussion, one of the great coaching questions to draw out the emotion is “Tell me more about….” By drawing out the anger, you essentially contain some of it without internalizing it. Once the person has had the opportunity to share and feel understood, they are most frequently able to move back into their window of tolerance. They likely still feel some anger, but at a level in which they are able to effectively use their thinking brain. Once the emotion is diffused, it can be time to explore the underlying causes of the emotion.

How does one develop this ability to step into emotions? The most difficult part for most people is developing a sense of comfort with and acceptance of negative emotions. From an early age we are often taught that negative emotions are wrong, weak, or unacceptable. Before a person can step into negative emotions they must first be convinced that they are natural and acceptable. Here are some steps to grow in our ability to step into negative emotions:

1. Self-awareness – Develop an understanding of your own emotions including your mindset about them and your ability to recognize and identify your own emotions. Recognize your own emotional triggers.
2. Expand your own window of tolerance – As we gain increasing levels of emotional maturity, our own window of tolerance expands. We are able to function with a broader range of emotions and are more comfortable with them.
3. Develop a coaching mindset – A coaching mindset seeks to understand and to draw out from another person their own understanding. A coaching mindset loves to ask probing questions in a positive, professional relationship.
4. Grow your ability to recognize emotions in others – As one of the domains of emotional intelligence, before you can step into emotions in others you must first be aware and able to recognize them.
5. Practice stepping in – Understanding your own emotions and growing more emotionally mature are big steps, but it can still be scary to step into someone else’s negative emotions. The only way to grow comfortable doing so is to resolve to develop that capability. Then step in whenever you see the opportunity. And “tell me more about how scary that felt to step into someone’s negative emotions.”

The ability to step into heightened or negative emotions is a part of emotional intelligence and is an essential part of effective leadership. By doing so, a leader can help team members to be more effective at work and in life. Stepping in with a healthy response builds a relationship whereas reacting in fight or flight tears down relationships. This ability to step in is important for every type of relationship.

Are you able to step into negative or heightened emotions? What is your next step to improving this ability?