One of the best ways for a leader to empower team members or the team is to adopt the practice of “ask, don’t tell.” This concept, sometimes called coaching for performance, moves decisions or solutions from solely the leader to a shared process between leader and team member. “Ask/ don’t tell” is a fundamental skill for coaching but also for leadership. Leaders should often wear their coaching hat when interacting with their team members to develop and to draw out their team members.

It is a human tendency, and especially true for leaders, that we tend to give solutions. We even give solutions when they aren’t requested or desired. Reference any recent discussions with your spouse or children. In the workplace, leaders are quick to give direction and solutions for a number of reasons:

• It is a developed habit.
• The hierarchy dictates that the answers come from above.
• A need or desire to hold the power.
• It seems the most expedient route to cut to the chase and provide the solution.
• The leader believes in his/her experience and expertise to provide the “right” answer. (Call it self-awareness or call it arrogance. There is a fine line.)

Breaking the habit and switching to a practice of “ask, don’t tell” probably takes some effort and time.

To implement the “ask, don’t tell” practice means responding to requests for direction or a decision with a question like, “What are some of the options that you are considering?” or “What would you recommend in this situation?” This should lead into some follow-up questions regarding the thoughts behind the choices or the pros and cons of various options, questions like “What are the costs and benefits of these alternatives?” or “What information do you need to gather for making a decision?”

Using the “ask, don’t tell” practice doesn’t mean that the leader abdicates the responsibility for the decision. It simply means that the leader is willing to share the power. If the recommendation that results from discussion and the flow of questions is of equal value to what the leader would have decided, both parties can be satisfied. If the leader is not comfortable with the team member’s recommendation, further questions can be used to dig deeper and resolve the difference in thought. In any case, the leader maintains the responsibility for decisions from his/her team and may need to overrule.

A similar thought relates to meetings. How often do we see the attendees at a meeting posturing their comments as they attempt to determine where the leader will come down? Historically it was often only the opinion of the leader that mattered in a meeting. An effective leader turns this dynamic on its head by only asking questions, drawing out the thoughts of all attendees. Only when the entire team has weighed in and all available information is on the table, will the leader speak. Decision-making becomes a group process. Not necessarily a democracy but a process in which all participate.

The practice of “ask, don’t tell” provides several benefits to the organization and to the team:

• It empowers team members. Sharing the power that may have been historically held by the leader lets the team members feel a greater contribution and greater control over their work and their lives. They are valued when their input and opinions are drawn out.
• It builds a relationship of trust and respect. When team members are entrusted with the ability to think deeper and make greater decisions, they feel respected. Leadership is built upon a relationship of trust and respect, but this sort of relationship only works as a two-way street. Therefore, having greater trust and respect for team members comes back around to greater trust and respect for the leader.
• It develops team members. One of the responsibilities is the development of their people and preparing the next generation of leadership. Drawing out their thoughts through powerful questions develops their thinking process and decision-making skills. As their input is valued, they grow in confidence.
• It creates better decisions. The “ask, don’t tell” process generates a more robust discussion of an issue, developing different perspectives. In this process, more information is brought to the discussion and decision.
• It provides an opportunity to evaluate talent and capability. On the other side of the relationship, the “ask, don’t tell” practice provides an opportunity for a leader to see the team members in action as they gather and present logic for decisions. Are these people ready to grow, take risks, and exercise good logic?

The “ask, don’t tell” practice is a powerful way to build the capability of a team and its members. In fact, this practice is effective in building stronger relationships in every part of our lives. It is a better alternative to the practice of constantly providing solutions.

How highly do you value your thoughts relative to those of the people around you? Are you more prone to tell or to ask?