Humility is perhaps the most important character trait for effective leadership. Humility opens the door to a relationship of trust and respect, the foundation of influence. The lack of humility shuts the door to a solid relationship of leadership.

To understand humility and its power, we must first define it. Sometimes the easiest way to describe humility is to first describe what it is not.

• Humility is not self-deprecation. It is not having a poor opinion of oneself or of one’s abilities.
• Humility is not weakness. It is not a recognition of something lacking in us.
• Humility is not being meek and mild. It is possible to have a strong voice yet be humble.
• Humility is not lack of confidence. It is not timidity or being unsure of oneself.

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” – C. S. Lewis

Humility is not about having a low opinion of yourself, it is about how we think of ourselves in relation to those around us. In fact, part of the Oxford dictionary’s definition of humility describes it as having a modest opinion of one’s own importance. To be humble means to have control over our pride and arrogance. Two of the most descriptive definitions of humility are 1) a high sense of emotional autonomy, and 2) a freedom from the control of the “competitive reflex.” Emotional autonomy means that we do not rely on the approval of others for our self-worth or emotional well-being.

The “competitive reflex” is that part of us that wants to “one up” the other person. When someone tells a joke, we want to tell a better one. When someone tells a story, we want to give a more exciting one. When someone asks a question, we are compelled to give an answer. When someone makes a misstatement or grammatical error, we are quick to point it out. The “competitive reflex” is always keeping score.

The word humility has its roots in the Latin word “humus” or earth. We can think of the humble person as the one that is “grounded.” Humility often has a high correlation with self-awareness and with confidence. The humble person knows him- or herself and is at peace with who they are, therefore, there is no need to “keep score.” Instead, the humble person places high value on the other person.

“Pride makes us artificial and humility makes us real.” -Thomas Merton

Humility draws others into relationship whereas pride or arrogance sets up a barrier to relationship. Through humility, we allow our real person to show and be known. The real person is easier to trust. When we demonstrate true humility, we value the other person, placing high importance on knowing, understanding, and appreciating them as a person. When people are valued, that warm feeling draws them into relationship, making it easy to trust and respect the humble person. On the other hand, when faced with a person that is arrogant, full of pride, or narcissistic we most likely feel disrespected or belittled. An arrogant person is hiding the real person. This cold feeling is repelling, making it difficult to build a positive relationship. (See the article, “The Problem of Arrogance” for more.)

As we better understand what humility is and why it is important, the concept of the “competitive reflex” plays a major role in our development and demonstration of humility. How do we tame that reflex and keep it from rearing its head in our interactions with others? Here are some thoughts on growing in humility and demonstrating humility on a daily basis:

1. Grow in self-awareness.
2. Grow in self-acceptance.
3. Welcome and seek personal change and growth.
4. Be authentic, showing yourself as you really are.
5. Seek and receive graciously feedback and correction from others.
6. Be an eager learner, not an arrogant knower.
7. Be willing to say, “I don’t know.”
8. Grow in vulnerability, the willingness to be judged by others.
9. Value others.
10. Be quick to ask, “What do you think?”

“Humility is the true key to success. Successful people lose their way at times. They often embrace and overindulge from the fruits of success. Humility halts this arrogance and self-indulging trap. Humble people share the credit and wealth, remaining focused and hungry to continue the journey of success.” – Rick Pitino

Where do you stand on the continuum from arrogance to humility? How much do you value your own importance? What are you doing to grow in humility?