Emotional Intelligence – New Horizon Partners

Leaders Lean In to Negative Emotions

We all must face negative emotions from time to time. We might get into a discussion with someone who is angry about an organizational decision or we might find it necessary to mediate a heated disagreement between two team members. It’s also possible to find ourselves in a meeting with someone who is just having a bad day and wants everyone around them to experience it as well. While we might prefer positive emotions, negative emotions such as anger, sadness, jealousy, anxiety, etc., are a reality of life. We experience these emotions ourselves as well as interacting with those around us who have their own.

There is a natural human reaction to negative emotions in other people. Our limbic system, the part of our brain that is responsible for reflexes and emotional responses, senses negative emotions as danger. The brain’s automatic reaction to danger is to protect us by choosing one of three possible courses of action – flight, fight or freeze. This explains why, when facing negative emotions, one might instinctively find an excuse to escape the situation (the flight response) in order to avoid the emotion and any discussion of it. The fight response is the natural reaction to fire back in anger when confronted with negative emotions and commonly occurs when anger is the negative emotion being displayed. A fight reaction would typically result in an escalation of the negative emotion. If not reacting in either flight or fight, the third, less common reaction would be to simply freeze, unable to respond in any way.

Leadership is built on a relationship of trust and respect. While the three reactions described above are natural self-protection responses to the danger that our subconscious brain interprets, all three of them have a large potential to damage the relationships leaders have with those around them. Rather than building relationships, these reactions cut off relationships or fire back negative emotions that undermine trust and respect.

To effectively deal with negative emotions, a leader must learn to recognize these situations early and build the capacity to “lean in” to negative emotions. This requires building some character traits and competencies that will help during these interactions. Before we are able to lean in to negative emotions, we must learn to block our reflexive reactions. This requires, first, developing our emotional intelligence so that we are able to quickly and accurately recognize the emotions in others. (This is sometimes called the third domain of emotional intelligence. For more discussion on EQ, see the article from May 2017.) Once we are able to identify the negative emotions in others, the second skill that we need to develop and utilize is the ability to keep the limbic system from taking control and, instead, maintain control of our reaction through the thinking part of our brain, the pre-frontal cortex. This is a matter of developing the habit of analyzing and responding with thought in emotional discussions, rather than allowing our reflexes to take control.

Developing the ability to lean into negative emotions may also require some character development, as we need to value the people with whom we interact, value the relationship, and have the courage to face difficult discussions. If we value the people and the relationship, we will have a natural curiosity about what is happening within the other person. With the character traits in place that enable us to lean in, the next components are developing the communication skills to effectively enable us to explore and understand the emotions that we are facing and the story behind them.

The actual process of leaning in involves acknowledging the emotions, asking questions to gather an understanding, validating the emotions, and verifying our understanding. The leaning in conversation may start with a statement such as, “I can see that you are angry about the decision to ___; please tell me more about why this bothers you.” From there, you might ask some follow-on questions to deepen your understanding. Validate feelings through statements like, “I see that the impact of ___ might make you feel ___.”

Validation during the leaning-in conversation does not mean that we agree with the emotion or with the story that is in the other person’s mind. It is simply an expression of understanding. The leaning-in conversation should not be an effort to refute or reverse the negative emotions. An implication that the person is wrong for having these negative feelings is counterproductive or even destructive. Emotions are not wrong, they just are. The conversation to understand can help the other person to process those emotions. Defending ourselves or other people during this conversation is also counterproductive. There may be an opportunity to clarify facts during the discussion, but the focus of the conversation must be first and foremost, to understand the emotions and the story that lies behind them.

By leaning in to negative emotions, we as leaders demonstrate our humanity and our care for the other. This builds relationship. Gathering an understanding of what lies behind the emotions will help you as a leader to resolve any current issues or to be cognizant of potential issues in the future. In the process, the conversation is likely to diffuse some of the negative emotions, proving that leaning in pays off in many ways.

Are you able to lean in to negative emotions? What are the ways to grow in this ability?

(Note: This article, or one very similar, was originally published in a monthly leadership blog that I wrote for PolymerOhio Manufacturing Solutions.)

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Dealing with Negative Emotions Maturely

We are created with emotions for a purpose. At any point in time, there are a variety of emotions operating in the background. We might have joy about the development of our children, concern about our relationship with our spouse, fear about the meeting we must lead today, anger about something someone said yesterday, etc. All of these emotions can be active at the same time, if they are operating at a low level. When our body notices significant stimuli, one emotion might become prominent and might take control of our bodily reflexes.

Emotions are designed to provide us with three elements –

Arousal – emotions grab our attention and prompt us to take notice of things around us or within us that are impacting our lives.
Motivation – emotions prompt us to take action. In the case of positive emotions, we might be prompted to write a note, buy a gift, etc. In the case of what are termed negative emotions, such as anger or fear, we are designed to take immediate protective action.
Feelings – emotions add texture to our lives.

When we are confronted with significant negative emotions (so called because they sense danger, not because the emotion itself is negative), our bodies are designed to be self-protective. When the body (actually the limbic system of our brain) senses a threat, be it a flying projectile, a slip of a foot on ice, or a verbal threat, the limbic system takes control of our brain and our bodies. Heart rate increases, blood flows to our legs, muscles tense up, all intended to prepare for the fight or flight response. In order to concentrate energy and speed up response time, our thinking brain, the cortex, actually shuts down. If you have ever said or heard, “I was so angry, I couldn’t think straight,” that is entirely true.

If we are actually in a life-threatening situation, such as walking down a sidewalk when a vehicle careens out of control, or tripping on an uneven surface, we are thankful that our limbic system takes control because it is possible that our thinking brain could not have responded quickly enough to safeguard us. But there are other situations where this reflexive call to action can actually do us harm.

In the workplace or in any relationship, a similar process can happen when we hear angry words or someone makes a comment that we view as a threat to our authority or position. If there is an actual threat to our physical safety, we can be glad for the reflexive response. However, if we are simply facing a verbal confrontation, allowing the limbic system of our brain to take control and shut down our thinking process is likely to result in a heated exchange or in a statement that you regret later. Allowing our limbic system to control our response is likely to damage a relationship. As a leader, our goal is to build understanding and to build relationship. Therefore, when we encounter a discussion of high emotion, we need to intentionally quiet our reflexive limbic system and fully engage our thinking cortex system.

To keep our reflexive or reactive system quiet in an emotional discussion, we might train ourselves to respond in the following steps, intentionally forcing our thinking brain into gear:

Hear the words or observe the action clearly.
Ask yourself what sorts of emotions you are feeling because of this discussion. Before we can understand or manage our emotions, we must first name them.
Seek to understand the source of these emotions. Something about the comment may have brought up a subconscious memory from your family of origin or from some other prior life experience that resulted in high emotions, and you are being triggered.
Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself about what is happening in this discussion. Our brain is continually creating subconscious stories to make sense of the inputs it receives. Those stories are influenced by our mindset and past experiences. We frequently respond based on an assumption of the story without ever understanding the true story.
Once you understand the biases that you hold because of your emotional response and the story playing in your brain, you may be ready to engage in the conversation.
Seek clarification by asking questions like, “Tell me more.” Use the responsive listening techniques of reflecting, rephrasing, and reframing. Seek to understand both the words and the background, the story, for this discussion.
Provide a thoughtful response, even if it is only a statement such as, “I understand your concerns.” If we can truly understand, this willingness and desire to do so will go a long way towards building or maintaining a relationship.

While these seven steps sound complicated, we need to develop the habit of approaching an emotional discussion with such a process. In many such conversations, we need to do this process in a matter of seconds. Therefore, these steps need to be developed as a new reflex.

When we step into an emotional discussion, we are faced with a decision whether to react or respond. Reaction will typically damage a relationship. Responses will build the relationship. As a leader, we influence through a relationship or trust and respect. Our relationships are vital to our leadership and, in the heat of the moment, our response will set the course for our relationships.

Are you able to lean into difficult conversations? Do strong emotions frighten you or are you able to face them maturely?

“Untangling Emotions” by Alasdair Groves and Winston Smith

Emotions are complex and often confusing. Emotions are our mind and our body’s way of advising us about what is happening in regard to the things that we love. Some of us fear emotions, some are ruled by emotions. The book, “Untangling Emotions”, written by J. Alasdair Groves and Winston T. Smith, is a fascinating dive into understanding emotions and developing a positive path for dealing with them.

The big idea in this book is that emotions provide us with an insight as to what we consider important, i.e., what we love or worship. Some people love their comfort, excitement, themselves, their family, success, reputation, wealth, and so on. The things that we love drive our emotions and the way that we act upon our emotions. Offering a Christian perspective rooted in Scripture, the book encourages us to examine whether the things that we love, those things that drive our emotions, are in line with the things that God loves.

The authors describe the following purposes of emotions:

Communicate: emotions communicate value
Relate: emotions help us connect
Motivate: emotions motivate us
Elevate: emotions turn us toward God

Some people react to emotions with a “spit it up” attitude, believing that emotions are everything and others adopt a “suck it up” attitude, preferring to ignore their emotions. Instead, the authors encourage us to engage our emotions to better understand them and to respond in a healthy fashion to them.

Because we have many things in our life that are important to a greater or lesser extent, our mind and body are constantly feeling a variety of emotions. At any point in time, one or several of those emotions might rise in its impact. When this occurs, we might engage in the emotion by asking questions such as the following:

Identify – Am I feeling some particular emotion? What am I feeling?
Examine – Why am I feeling this emotion? How is this emotion making me want to behave?
Evaluate – What does this emotion tell me about what is important to me? Is this emotion and this level of importance consistent with who I am and what I want to be important in my life?
Act – How might I respond to this emotion? How will I respond to this emotion?

Using this framework, the authors then walk the reader through the process of engaging the hardest emotions – fear, anger, grief, and guilt and shame. For example, many people are quick to react to anger. Ephesians 4:29 tells us “Be angry and do not sin” (ESV), which indicates that it is natural to sometimes be angry, but cautions us regarding how we react to that anger. The authors point out that there is both righteous anger unrighteous anger. Righteous anger is a reaction to something like God being mocked or someone attacking someone that we love. More often we feel unrighteous anger in which someone interferes with our little kingdom of self. The process of engaging that anger allows us to examine the root, make a judgment call on its righteousness, and take action or not based on a clear assessment.

Each chapter finishes with a few questions to ponder, with some for the reader for their own processing and some for the reader that desires to help others. The book is a good read for those that want to think deeper about emotions and their impact on our lives and our relationships.

Fear of Conflict

As a leader, it is often necessary to lean into conflict. This conflict might be based on some disagreement that someone has with us or it might be a conflict between two team members.

There is great value in having divergent views and seeking truth and full information. In this effort a team might have heated discussions and disagreements. When this discussion is focused on tasks and information, it is helpful and valuable to the organization. However, when the discussion becomes personal and filled with animosity, it becomes negative conflict. This negative conflict becomes a problem for the organization because it produces the following results:

Strained relationships and personal animosity
Tense atmosphere in the team
Waste of energy
Break down of communication
Reduction in the exchange of ideas and information
Diminished trust and support
Eroded commitment to the team and organization
Decreased productivity and increased turnover

Because of the detrimental effects, an effective leader needs to prevent, resolve, diffuse, or guide the conflict into a positive outcome. This requires that a leader have both the desire and the ability to lean into the conflict.

Unfortunately, many people are unable to lean in because they have a fear of conflict. This fear of conflict can show up in a variety of forms. One reaction to conflict is to up the ante, to overpower the conflict. Another type of reaction is to submit, to attempt to placate or play nice. The most common reaction is withdrawal, to hide from or ignore conflict.

Years ago, I had a first-hand view of weak leadership in the face of conflict. The company’s executive staff was rife with conflict that frequently broke out in staff meetings. The reaction of the company president in the face of conflict was to push away from the table, fold his arms across his chest, and smirk as the conflict rolled on. Reading the body language gave some ideas of the president’s views of conflict.

This fear of conflict often rises out of past experiences. Most often the roots go back to family of origin issues in which conflict was a tool of control that became something to be feared. In many families we seldom saw healthy relationships and did not learn the skills of emotional intelligence. Conflict was allowed to become personal at great cost to those involved. Therefore we may have learned to run from conflict.

The ability to lean into conflict requires authentic emotional intelligence in all four dimensions. A person must be fully aware of their own emotions as they step into conflict, able to manage well their own emotions, aware of the emotions of others, and skilled at managing relationships. With a base of strong emotional intelligence, a leader can lean into conflict using something like the following steps:

Recognize the debilitating nature of personal conflict on the organization.
Adopt a mindset that the cost of leaning into conflict is less than the cost of letting it continue, i.e., become willing to risk moving in.
Confront conflict in an emotionally-healthy manner. Provide feedback that points out the negative impact and the consequences that future conflict will produce.
Lead discussions of resolution and relationship building.
Model healthy discussion of information and debate of facts without allowing personal conflict, demonstrating respect for all persons.

To get to the position where one is able to implement this plan may first require some introspection and self-awareness to understand his/her mindset regarding conflict and the roots of that mindset. The next necessary level of self-awareness is an understanding of strengths and weaknesses in emotional intelligence. From there, a development plan may be necessary to build the skills and ability to lean into conflict. The most important step is to begin to practice leaning into conflict and then continue building comfort and competency at doing so.

Are you a carrier or a resolver of personal conflict? Are you able to lean into conflict and help others build healthy relationships?

Tell Me More About….

Stepping Into Negative Emotions

As a leader, what do you do when you meet with someone who is in a negative or heightened emotional state, perhaps either very angry or sad to the point of tears. A heightened emotional state in another person, frequently causes a heightened reaction, be it either the fight or flight reaction. We might react to an angry person with an angry reply ourselves, the fight mode. Or we might react by avoiding the person or dismissing the emotions that they are feeling, the flight mode. A better response from a strong, emotionally-mature leader is to step into the emotion.

While not easy, responding by stepping into the emotion tends to make the other person feel accepted and understood. This often diffuses the emotion and brings them back into a more rational thought process in which the underlying issue can then be discussed.

From a simple neuroscience point of view, every person has a window of tolerance, a range of emotions in which they are able to feel emotions while still thinking and functioning well. Within the window of tolerance, a person can feel and express anger, for example, without being controlled by that anger. Outside of the window of tolerance, there are two zones. In the hyper-aroused zone, emotions become so strong that our thinking brain shuts down and our emotional brain takes full control. What we say and do in this state is completely driven by our emotions. There is also a hypo-aroused zone in which a person basically shuts down because the body is unable to deal with the trauma or emotions.

When we encounter someone in a heightened emotional state, they are often operating outside of their window of tolerance or in a hyper-aroused state. Therefore, they may be speaking from emotions only. If we fall into the trap of reacting and replying in a highly emotional manner, we run the risk of conducting a dialogue in which neither person is using their thinking brain but only their emotional brain.

Stepping into a discussion with a person operating in a heightened state of emotions requires that we accept, contain, explore the emotions. One of the methods to do so is to respond with exploratory questions, such as, “I see that you are very angry. Can I ask what is causing this anger?” In such a discussion, one of the great coaching questions to draw out the emotion is “Tell me more about….” By drawing out the anger, you essentially contain some of it without internalizing it. Once the person has had the opportunity to share and feel understood, they are most frequently able to move back into their window of tolerance. They likely still feel some anger, but at a level in which they are able to effectively use their thinking brain. Once the emotion is diffused, it can be time to explore the underlying causes of the emotion.

How does one develop this ability to step into emotions? The most difficult part for most people is developing a sense of comfort with and acceptance of negative emotions. From an early age we are often taught that negative emotions are wrong, weak, or unacceptable. Before a person can step into negative emotions they must first be convinced that they are natural and acceptable. Here are some steps to grow in our ability to step into negative emotions:

Self-awareness – Develop an understanding of your own emotions including your mindset about them and your ability to recognize and identify your own emotions. Recognize your own emotional triggers.
Expand your own window of tolerance – As we gain increasing levels of emotional maturity, our own window of tolerance expands. We are able to function with a broader range of emotions and are more comfortable with them.
Develop a coaching mindset – A coaching mindset seeks to understand and to draw out from another person their own understanding. A coaching mindset loves to ask probing questions in a positive, professional relationship.
Grow your ability to recognize emotions in others – As one of the domains of emotional intelligence, before you can step into emotions in others you must first be aware and able to recognize them.
Practice stepping in – Understanding your own emotions and growing more emotionally mature are big steps, but it can still be scary to step into someone else’s negative emotions. The only way to grow comfortable doing so is to resolve to develop that capability. Then step in whenever you see the opportunity. And “tell me more about how scary that felt to step into someone’s negative emotions.”

The ability to step into heightened or negative emotions is a part of emotional intelligence and is an essential part of effective leadership. By doing so, a leader can help team members to be more effective at work and in life. Stepping in with a healthy response builds a relationship whereas reacting in fight or flight tears down relationships. This ability to step in is important for every type of relationship.

Are you able to step into negative or heightened emotions? What is your next step to improving this ability?

Be Slow to Anger

In two recent articles we have been examining communications and the wisdom presented in the letter from James in the Bible when we are told that “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry^”(James 1:20b NIV). This verse reminds us of three important truths – that listening is of highest importance, that we should be thoughtful in speaking or communicating, and that we must manage our emotions so that we communicate effectively.

To be an effective leader, one must be an effective communicator. For a leader, communication is much more than the transfer of information, it is connection and inspiration. Communication is necessary for developing alignment and executing strategy. Communication is the basis for a relationship of trust and respect, the foundation of leadership.

This wisdom of becoming quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger is applicable to any communication whether it be in the workplace or at home, in a one-on-one discussion or a memo to all hands. In two previous articles we looked at the importance and practice of effective listening and wise speaking (or writing). We now come to the third element of communication included in this verse – the importance of managing emotions.

The last part of this particular verse could have broader implications than just communications. It actually speaks to our need to develop our emotional intelligence. In his book, Primal Leadership, author Daniel Goldman describes emotional intelligence as being composed of four hierarchical domains:

Self-awareness – understanding your own emotions
Self-management – appropriate control of your own emotions
Social awareness – recognizing and understanding the emotions of others
Relationship management – dealing effectively with other individuals or teams

The passage from James is speaking more specifically about the need for us to appropriately manage our own emotions, mentioning anger because unchecked anger in communications can be a damaging emotion. There are instances where anger is appropriate and where there is a need to express it. There are also times when a person might feel anger without recognizing the source or might be prone to lash out at either the wrong people or in the wrong way.

More specifically addressing the theme of communication that runs through this particular verse, there is a need to use our emotional intelligence in all communications. In any conversation or communication, we need to exercise all four domains:

We need to be aware of our emotions. In a conversation, what is said or the way it is presented can prompt an emotional reaction. Sometimes our emotions can creep up on us. A word or thought can trigger a memory from earlier in the day or earlier in our life. We need to develop our awareness and understanding of our emotions, recognizing and identifying the emotions that are present at any given time and understanding their source.
We need to manage our emotions. If we are not strong in emotional intelligence or aware at the moment, emotions can sometimes become a runaway train. We need to train ourselves to first recognize our emotions and then to make rational decisions about whether and how to express them in communications. In the realm of neuroscience, this practice requires interrupting the limbic system that tends to control emotions and giving our prefrontal cortex a voice in interpreting and managing our emotions. The idea is that we are to manage our emotions rather than allowing them to manage us.
We need to be aware of emotions in others. In a conversation, this means interpreting the words, the underlying context, and the accompanying body language of the other person for the emotions that might be present. When preparing written communications or delivering a speech, this can mean thinking from the viewpoint of the audience to infer or predict what emotions might be present and to communicate in a way that addresses those emotions. Which brings us to the fourth domain –
We need to deal effectively in relationships. This means going beyond recognizing the emotions in the other party, to communicating in a way that helps them recognize and respond appropriately to the emotions that arise within them. Communication in this way resolves conflict and draws people together.

The passage from James focuses specifically on anger because anger can be so dangerous. It can turn a conversation from healthy to hurting or from logical to lethal. Anger can be destructive to relationships. Anger in a conversation has a tendency to escalate back and forth between two parties. What began as a simple conversation can turn into threats, insults, and all sorts of damage. Hence, the advice to “be slow to anger.”

Are you able to accurately recognize your emotions and manage them appropriately? How are you growing in emotional intelligence?

“Emotional Agility” by Dr. Susan David

Agility can be defined as the ability to move quickly and easily or the ability to think and understand quickly. To be agile can be defined as having a quick, resourceful, and adaptable character. When we put the word agility with the concept of emotions we can see that this must be referring to the ability to effectively understand and respond to emotions.

The problem with emotions is that some people have difficulty in recognizing them, controlling them, or responding to them. For some, emotions can be puzzling, scary, or even crippling. Many emotions have a label as being negative and, therefore, might be thought of negatively. People generally do not like to deal with the negative.

People tend to respond to emotions, especially those negative emotions, in one of three ways. Some people push them away, pretending that they don’t exist or walling themselves off from them. Some people let themselves be captured by emotions, stirring them around and ruminating over them. And others recognize emotions for what they are, signals, and deal with them effectively

In her book, “Emotional Agility”, psychologist Dr. Susan David describes some ways to deal with emotions with what she terms as agility. She labels the first two types of people described above as “bottlers” – they try to put their emotions in a bottle on a shelf – and “brooders” – they keep their emotions active by focusing on them without dealing with them. She describes these people as emotionally rigid while Dr. David’s goal with this book is to equip people to deal comfortably with emotions, to help them become more agile.

The big idea in “Emotional Agility” is that people who are effective or whole do not get “hooked” by emotions. To become more emotionally agile, Dr. David describes five behaviors. No doubt there are other behaviors or thought patterns that can affect our ability to deal effectively with emotions, but her opinion is that these are the most important behaviors leading to emotional agility.

Showing up. The first logical step toward emotional agility is to face your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors willingly. Some emotions are valid and appropriate, in fact, they may be there to protect or alert us. Others are old bits that are stuck in our minds and triggered by some unrelated or, more precisely, some unconsciously related, event. In either case, the first step in dealing effectively with an emotion is to recognize it and choose to understand it.
Stepping out. “This next element, after facing your thoughts and emotions, is detaching from and observing them for what they are – just thoughts, just emotions.” The author refers to Victor Frankl’s position that, in order to evaluate emotions, we must first create some space so that we can view them with a non-judgmental perspective and properly evaluate them.
Walking your why. Continuing with the idea of perspective, once you have recognized, accepted, and then stepped back and examined your thoughts and emotions, the next step is to compare your thoughts and emotions with your long-term values and aspirations. This assumes that you have done the work to first understand your core values. Dr. David spends quite a bit of time talking about core values and how they should guide decisions. This, of course, is a part of personal wholeness.
Moving on – the tiny tweak principle. The first portion of this chapter is built on the idea that life changes are best done in incremental steps. The author talks of tweaking your mindset, tweaking your motivations, and tweaking your habits. As mentioned above, emotions have a way of triggering behaviors based on some long-buried history. In order to keep from being emotionally hijacked, we need to identify those triggers and then change the course of what happens when certain emotions arise.
Moving on – the teeter-totter principle. The teeter-totter principle says that wholeness comes in part through maintaining a balance between comfort and challenge. If we spend all of our time in total comfort, we become complacent. If we spend all of our time too far on the challenge side, we become stressed, frazzled, and distracted. The author recommends that be “whelmed”, that is, not overwhelmed but with enough challenge to keep us growing and sharp.

This book was good, not great. The book is very readable and has many good thoughts. It is built on solid research. Much of it seemed to be good practices on the path to wholeness that comes from knowing yourself or what Dr. Henry Cloud describes as “Integrity.” If you are on the path to wholeness, this implies that you have emotional agility, which can be described as the ability to properly understand and collaborate with emotion in a healthy manner.