Category: Leadership

The idea of the Coach Approach or building the habit of asking Powerful Questions whenever possible is applicable to most of the interactions in our lives. They lead to more meaningful conversations and deeper relationships. Sometimes it is easiest to understand by seeing them in practice. Here are a few scenarios and how we might use Powerful Questions to either get to know someone, build a deeper relationship, or help others to grow.

Scenario #1 – Powerful Questions in Action in Business Leadership

The most effective leaders are excellent coaches. Rather than giving commands or providing answers, they look for opportunities to ask questions. For example, when a team member comes looking for a solution, a leader might ask, “What alternatives have you already considered? Are there any other solutions that you might consider? What are the pros and cons of the alternatives that you have identified? What do you think is the best solution?” By asking questions, a leader helps team members develop their thinking process and decision-making skills. Seeing them at work helps the leader evaluate their potential and their developmental needs.

The concept of an annual performance review with scripted questions is the antithesis of a leader/follower relationship. Instead, we might have a periodic progress review conversation, which might open with questions such as the following:

• What do you find most challenging about…..
• What are your hopes or dreams for the future? How can we help you achieve them?
• What do you find most irritating about my leadership style or the way that I interact with people?
• What do you see as goals for the next year?

 

Scenario #2 – Powerful Questions in Action at a Networking Event

Typically, we are meeting new people at a networking event. Some people settle for questions that seek name, where they live, what they do, etc. If we actually want to learn about this person, we are better served by asking questions, perhaps not as deep as we might ask a friend, but still questions that help us see a bit of who this new acquaintance is. These could be questions such as:

• What led to you attending this event?
• What are you hoping to get out of today?
• What part of the presentation did you find…..
• How will what you heard today impact your life?

Or a general question like:

• What is your most prized possession and why?
• If you were to give yourself a nickname, what would it be?
• What are you doing to make the world a better place?

 

The Power in Powerful Questions

In the previous segments of this series, we defined the Coach Approach as a lifestyle or mindset (we could also call it a habit) of utilizing questions to create meaningful conversations, build relationships, or help others grow. We develop this Coach Approach because we are designed and called to care for and connect with others and because we desire to know and understand the people around us.

A central part of the Coach Approach is the use of coaching questions, or what we most often call Powerful Questions, because that is what we truly want them to be, powerful. Here is my definition: Powerful Questions are questions that prompt real thought and reveal a part of the real person.

Powerful Questions seek to know and understand the other person; they seek thought, opinion, feelings. They are built upon care, desire for connection, and curiosity. They come from a genuine interest in the other person and require the use of deep listening skills where we see beyond just the words. Especially if we are coming from a coaching or counseling role, these questions can be formulated to create reflection, insight, awareness, or goals and action plans.

On the other hand, here are some traits that are counter to Powerful Questions. They are not closed-ended, they are not focused on facts alone. When asking these questions, they cannot be leading questions. They are not provocative, judgmental, or confrontational. They should not be asked in a way that causes defensiveness.

Instead what Powerful Questions are is open-ended, seeking a deeper level of intimacy or understanding, and asked from a posture that is open and accepting of whatever the reply may be. They be asked in a way that is sensitive to the context and the connection that we have with the other person.

In the Bible, Jesus asks more than 300 questions, depending upon how we count them. My favorite is one scene which shows up in three of the gospels in which Jesus first asks a fact-based question, “Who do people say that I am?” and he receives factual answers. Then Jesus asks a Powerful Question, “But who do you say that I am?” This is a great example of a Powerful Question because it seeks deep thought, a statement from the heart, a commitment, an answer based built on authenticity and a willingness to be vulnerable.

What do these Powerful Questions look like? They often begin with what, how, when, or where. They typically start with something like:

• What seems most challenging about…..
• What led to the decision to…..
• Who do you ask for advice when…..
• What was the best part of…..
• When was the last time that you…..
• How do you relax when…..
• If money wasn’t an issue, how would you…..

We often know that we have asked a Powerful Question when we feel the urge to follow it on with another Powerful Question. Another signal of a Powerful Question is silence. It is human nature to fear silence in a conversation. When there is silence in the midst of conversation, it is like a vacuum, sucking us in to fill it with sound. Sometime try pausing for even 15 seconds in the midst of a conversation to see how uncomfortable it feels. But this is not the case with Powerful Questions. In fact, silence is generally a sign of success. It usually means that you have asked a truly Powerful Question that has caused the other person to think deeply.

Here are what I call the “friends of Powerful Questions,” statements that help the question process. They provide a segue, state an intent, or ask permission, opening the door to deep thought and understanding and to the next question.

• “Tell me more about…..”
• The AWE question – “And what else…..”
• State intent with, “I’m curious…..”
• Ask permission with, “Can I ask you more about…..”
• Or, “Would you help me understand…..”
• Reflective listening, with “What you seem to be saying…..”

Powerful Questions are the route to a more meaningful conversation, a deeper relationship, or helping another person to grow. While many of will at first struggle to step into asking such questions, the habit builds a richer life for both those who ask the questions and for the recipients of such questions.

Here are some coaching questions to think about: Are you able to ask Powerful Questions? What are some practices that would help you develop a comfort with asking, or answering, such questions?

This article is part of a series on the Coach Approach and the use of Powerful Questions. For an overview, see the Intro article. Or move on to Part 5 to see how Powerful Questions might be used in different parts of our lives.

Here are some other articles on a similar topic: “The Power in Powerful Questions“, “Ask, Don’t Tell“, “Tell Me More About…“, “Ask Questions Instead of Giving Answers“

 

 

In the previous segment of this series, we proposed that human beings are both designed for and are called to care for each other and to connect with each other. The positive side of our humanity is built and demonstrated through caring and connection. Society functions well when its members care for or serve each other and have positive, healthy relationships or connections with each other.

It is difficult to care for and connect with another person from across the room. To care and connect requires that we begin to know and understand the other person. This desire or calling to care and connect, therefore, must prompt in us a natural curiosity. As we move towards the other, we ask ourselves, “Who is this person?”, “What motivates them?”, “What are their hopes and dreams?”, “Where do they struggle?”

That curiosity, in turn, prompts us to ask questions from which we develop this understanding of the other person. In fact, the only way (or at least the most likely way) that we can connect is by asking questions. For the sake of alliteration in our Coach Approach model, we will call these coaching questions, which also differentiates them from simple, fact-focused questions.

Again, by definition the Coach Approach is a lifestyle or mindset (we could also call it a habit) of utilizing questions to create meaningful conversations, build relationships, or help others grow. And here is the model that we use to understand and motivate us to build within ourselves the Coach Approach:

You will notice that the model has arrows that interconnect all of the Four C’s. This is because the Four C’s are not sequential, but they are all interconnected. For example, connection is foundational in that we are designed to be connected with each other and we are called to do so. Yet we are not able to really connect until we know and understand one another, which means that coaching questions are a prerequisite for connection. All of the Four C’s in the Coach Approach model are interconnected in this same way.

Our motivation to build this habit of the Coach Approach in our lives comes first from the fact that we are designed for and expected to care and connect for each other. We are also motivated by the important benefits achieved through exercising this habit of using questions to know and understand the other:

• Create meaningful conversations – Conversations at a deeper level of intimacy.
• Build relationships – People feel valued when we seek to understand and know them.
• Help others grow – More likely to retain and act upon what comes from heart and out through mouth than what goes in ears.

Here are some coaching questions to think about: Are you comfortable asking questions at a deeper level of intimacy, questions that help you know the real person? What might you do to become more comfortable in doing so?

This article is part of a series on the Coach Approach. For an overview, see the Intro article. Or move on to Part 4 to learn about the Powerful Questions that are central to the Coach Approach.

In the first part of this series on developing a Coaching Mindset, we mentioned briefly the role that questions play in building connections with other people and then discussed some of the roadblocks to asking questions. People often lose that childlike curiosity and they become more self-focused. In general, people are more likely to provide answers rather than ask questions, seeking to serve themselves rather than build connections or serve others.

Why is it important to build (or rebuild) that curiosity about other people and seek to develop connections with people? What is our motivation for learning to ask powerful questions?

As a Christ-follower, my tendency is to answer these questions in Biblical terms. If you have a different belief system, I hope that you will read on and see that this discussion comes around to common sense wisdom for interpersonal relationships.

Called to care about each other

As human beings, we are called to love, or care for, other people. The most straightforward statement is in the gospel of John, chapter 13, where Jesus says, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” (ESV, John 13:34, Crossway Bibles). A similar thought shows up in the Greatest Commandment, which can be paraphrased as “Love God and love people.”  Throughout the Bible we are told to love one another, the answer to how people can coexist peacefully in this world.

In today’s culture the word love is more often used as a noun referring to a feeling, that emotion that comes with attraction, romance, or desire. This is not the historical or Biblical definition of love. My favorite definition of love comes from Dr. Paul David Tripp. It’s in his book on marriage, What Did You Expect?, and in other writings. His definition is as follows: “Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving.” Love is a verb. It is a word that denotes action or a decsion. This action is most often serving the other person. In Scripture, love for our neighbor comes to life in the many “one another” commands, which instruct us to care for one another.

In summary, the world functions best when we care about each other. When we do not care for the other person, we are self-serving, putting ourselves in competition or enmity with those around us. Only when we care about the other person are we able to build connection or relationship with them.

Called to connect with each other

As human beings, we are called to connect with each other. Created in the image of a highly relational God, we are created for relationship. Within Genesis 2:18 are the words, “It is not good that the man should be alone.” (ESV, Gen 2:18a, Crossway Bibles) While this verse is often used in regard to marriage, its application is much broader. God is highly relational as evidenced by the Trinity, as evidenced by the earthly life of Jesus, and as evidenced by God’s relationship with those that choose to follow Him. As a result of being created in His image, people function better when they have strong relationships with other people. In Scripture, we are described as all being part of one body, connected to each other through Christ.

In summary, there is a desire within each person to be seen, heard, and valued by other people. In isolation, a person tends to collapse in upon themselves or to wither away. As a creature of God and a member of society, we are called to connect with other people.

The interactions between people are simply perfunctory when they consist of simply an exchange of facts and clichés. When people exist as isolated beings, lives lack the richness and meaning that results from when being connected and caring for each other. We are called to care for and connect with those around us. Individually we function better when we care and connect with others and when others care and connect with us. Society functions well only when it is composed of people who care for each other and connect with each other.

In summary, we are designed to care and connect with each other and it is our Creator’s expectation that we will do so.

Here are some coaching questions to consider: What actions on the part of others makes me feel that others care about me and desire to connect with me? What actions do I take to care for and connect with others?

This article is part of a series on the Coach Approach. For an overview, see the Intro article. Or move on to Part 3 to learn more about the motivation behind the Coach Approach.

Most people recognize that asking questions is a large part of coaching others. If fact, asking questions is an important skill that goes beyond coaching. Asking questions is a core skill to connecting with others, building relationships, and to carrying on what we might call meaningful conversations. Yet we often have difficulty making questions a large part of our conversations. Before we discuss why questions are important and how to ask powerful questions, let us first understand the hurdles that we must overcome to incorporate questions into our lifestyle.

I like to think of communications along a continuum. Towards one end of this communication continuum, is the telling dynamic where communication is very one-sided. Communication here can be commands, a monologue, there is one voice that is important. The speaker spews out information or gives commands while the recipient simply takes in (or ignores) the information being given out. The next type of communications on the continuum would be presentations and instruction.

Somewhere around the middle of the communications continuum is the talking dynamic, the point where dialogue takes place. In this place, the speaker and hearer or recipient frequently trade roles. Both parties contribute to the conversation, with one dishing out information and the other taking it in, followed by a switch in roles from speaker to hearer and vice versa. In dialogue, the conversation often (though not always) builds one statement on top of another. In this part of the continuum are polite conversations and exchanges of facts.

Towards the other end of the communications continuum, is the question-answer dynamic. Towards this end of the continuum there can actually be two very different dynamics. One is the interrogation, in which the questioner is working to elicit, or perhaps drag, information, largely facts, out of the recipient. The other question-answer dynamic is driven by curiosity, in which the questioner asks questions, perhaps powerful, thought-provoking questions, in an effort to understand and connect with the recipient. Also on this end of the continuum would be the heart-to-heart communications, where two people might exchange feelings, dreams, or other deeper topics.

It is a part of our nature to spend more time telling rather than asking. On the communications continuum, most of us are most comfortable telling, some people are fairly good at dialogue, but few of us have developed the desire or the skill for asking, especially for asking, especially for seeking personal or more intimate information.

And why is it that we are more inclined towards telling? There seem to be two major reasons.

By nurture. If you have ever spent time with a two- or three-year old, you will know that they are full of questions. Various studies have shown that children between the ages of two to five ask a question every two minutes and 36 seconds and ask anywhere between 40,000 to 438,000 questions in those three years. But this part of our nature, the strong curiosity, seems to get pushed out or trained out as we mature.

Our education system is one culprit in breaking our habit of asking questions. You don’t score well on the SAT by asking good questions, but by providing the best answers. Throughout our school experience, the emphasis is on providing the right answers. Even better if you can be the fastest one to provide answers. So, we are trained to provide answers, but we receive very little training in asking questions.

For most of us, our jobs reward us for knowing and providing answers. This is especially true in the early years of a career. Only a few careers develop our ability to ask questions of people, driven by curiosity.

So, over the years, both our education and our careers reinforce the tendency to provide information and push out our natural curiosity about other people’s lives and our inclination to ask questions.

By nature. We mentioned above that, as a child, curiosity is a strong part of our human nature. But as we mature, our tendency is to become more egocentric, more self-focused, more self-centered. This plays out in a desire to be seen as intelligent, as one who has knowledge or the answers.

As we mature, our listening skills become more focused on hearing information that pertains to us. Our brains are wired to listen with a me-centered focus to defend, to fix, to win, to gain approval, etc. Also, our competitive reflex grows stronger, that part of us that wants to “one up” someone else’s story.

Another part of our nature is seeking expediency. Providing information often takes less time than asking questions and being curious. We tend to not invest time or effort in things that don’t have a short-term benefit for ourselves, another facet of our self-focus.

In general, people are more likely to provide answers rather than ask questions, seeking to serve themselves rather than build connections or serve others. Also, we tend to spend much effort in posturing, that is, portraying how we would like to be perceived rather than presenting our authentic selves. We fear vulnerability and we flee from deeper levels of intimacy.

In his book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy, Matthew Kelly lists the seven levels at which we communicate as the following:

1. Cliché
2. Facts
3. Opinions
4. Hopes & dreams
5. Feelings
6. Faults, fears, and failures
7. Legitimate needs

People general operate within the first two levels, with clichés or facts. They fear moving beyond these two levels because the deeper levels present the reality of who we are. People tend to avoid revealing this reality for fear of not being accepted or being deemed unlovable.

So, there we have it. Most of our interactions are statements of clichés or facts. We are not likely to reveal much beyond that. And we are reticent to ask questions that demonstrate an interest in anything beyond clichés and facts.

Here are some coaching questions to consider: How much of my interactions with other people consists of clichés and facts? What keeps me from revealing or seeking to hear deeper thoughts? How much of my time in conversation is spent either in talking or thinking about myself and how much is spent in learning about and understanding the other person?

This article is part of a series on the Coach Approach. For an overview, see the Intro article. Or move on to Part 2 to learn about the motivation behind the Coach Approach.