Relationships – Page 2 – New Horizon Partners

The Loneliness of Leadership

One of the most frequently voiced complaints of leaders is the loneliness that accompanies the position of leader. The old saying, “It’s lonely at the top” frequently proves to be true. Leadership can create a feeling of isolation for several reasons:

Lack of peer relationships– As people progress up the ladder in an organization they have peers with whom they can exchange ideas or commiserate until they find themselves in the position of leader. As a leader of an organization and even sometimes as a team leader, a person can find that those peer relationships dissolve, either because the former peers see the leader in a different light or because the leader makes the dangerous choice of feeling they are above others.

The need for confidentiality– As a leader there are certain bits of information that cannot be shared. For example, leaders might be privy to certain personal struggles facing an individual team member. Or the leader may be involved in confidential business negotiations. Certain items must be held private by the leader. Allowing this confidentiality to control isolates the leader.

The tendency of the organization to hold the leader aloft– In some instances, for one reason or another, people in the organization do not have a reciprocal relationship with the leader. This could be caused by the leader being somewhat intimidating, often unintentionally. People might feel that the leader doesn’t have the time or interest to be bothered with relationships. “I don’t want to waste the leader’s time.” Or information might be withheld out of fear, either of repercussions or of loss of power by the team member.

Focus on others– Generally, leaders are wired to meet the needs of others. They spend so much of their time listening and giving to others, they do not benefit from the balanced conversation and idea exchange that meets their own social needs. Their relationships all become one-sided.

Work consumes all of life– Leaders can be focused on achieving results. When overly so, they actually do not have time for personal interactions that are not goal-related.

Difficulty in finding people that can understand – Sometimes the pressures or just the nature of the issues dealt with in leadership are unfamiliar territory for family members or casual friends. Without an ability to relate to the leader or vice versa, these family or casual friendships can leave a leader without the feeling of being understood.

And, dare we say, arrogance– Some people, when moved into a position of leadership, fall into the trap of thinking that they are better than those around them. They can think that they are smarter and have all the answers. They can mistake leadership for command and control and not see the need for relationship. These people push away others and drive themselves into isolation.

This feeling of isolation can leave a leader dissatisfied or even feeling empty. Relationship is a fundamental need that is a part of how we were designed and how we best function. Carrying a load of stress and responsibility without the fulfillment of social needs such as understanding, affirmation, empathy, and so forth leaves a leader emotionally and even physically exhausted. Intentional effort is required to break this feeling of isolation. Most often this effort needs to focus on building healthy and meaningful relationships that bridge the causes described above. The antidote to isolation is community. Some ways to defeat the isolation of leadership include the following:

Join a peer group.Since this isolation is a common complaint of leaders, there are many programs that provide a platform to build relationships with other leaders in which the group members relate well with each other and can help meet the social/emotional needs of other group members.

Develop a personal board of advisors.For a small business, a board of advisors might serve the dual purpose of meeting relational needs and providing some business guidance. Some leaders find it helpful to gather together a group that can know them deeply and keep them grounded.

Find a mentor or coach.Besides the normal function of advising or coaching, a relationship with a mentor or coach can provide some of the relational nutrients necessary for healthy integration.

The general requirement for breaking through the feeling of isolation is developing stable, meaningful relationships with people who can relate to the issues and responsibilities of leadership and who are able and willing to meet the relational/emotional needs that all leaders have.

Do you ever experience loneliness in your leadership role? What do you do about it?

(We at New Horizon Partners, Inc. organize peer groups for leaders that provide the opportunity for growth in a context of “one anothering” relationships. Please contact us if you would like to learn more.)

Leadership Requires Love

Leadership requires love. For many people the word love is over-romanticized. Love is actually a decision, a commitment, a passion. In marriage and in every aspect of life, love is not something that we fall into but rather is a decision that we make. Love is a necessary part of leadership in two aspects.

First, to be an effective leader you must love what you do. An effective leader is grateful for the opportunity to lead and influence people and the organization. An effective leader has a passion to lead. A half-hearted attempt will always fall short of leadership; without seeing this passion from the leader, the organization flounders. A leader has a commitment to the organization that he or she leads. This commitment provides the resiliency and motivation to push through obstacles and continue moving the organization forward. Leadership requires passion that drives vision and focus.

Secondly, to be an effective leader requires that you love the people around you. Leadership requires a relationship of trust and respect. A leader can only build that relationship upon a genuine appreciation for, interest in, and caring for the people in the organization. A leader must desire to serve his or her people to develop them and to enable them to grow and be effective.

Love of what you do and love of the people around you generates energy. It draws people in to relationship and influence. It makes leadership effective.

Do you have that passion for leading and for those that you lead?

Six Steps In Effective Communication

I speak and write often on communication skills and the importance of communication driven by the perspective of the listener. I recently fell into the trap of which I warn others. I had prepared a document intended for my coaching clients. Because of its importance, I reviewed it with one of my coaches. Her first reaction was “With all of the positive things in this document, why did you open with a negative statement?” I had been so focused on what I needed to communicate that I had neglected to think about the reader. So this seems like a good time to remind myself and others of the secrets of effective communication.

To communicate effectively there are a few steps that allow a leader to present a message to ears that are more open to receive. Actually these tips go well beyond leadership in organizations, applying to communication with your children, spouse, friends, co-workers, boss, as well as those whom you lead. These tips apply to any communication whether it be a short text or email, a letter, a speech, or a conversation. To communicate effectively, you should follow these steps:

Assess the emotional state of your audience. Are they celebrating with joy, stressed, angry, or questioning? What are the circumstances that they are facing and the mindset that is likely present? Before you can formulate the message, it is essential to understand the state of mind in which it will be received.
Validate the emotions of your audience. Communication is most effective when it is on a personal level. Even when addressing a crowd of thousands, the best communicators keep it personal by connecting with the emotions that are present and by demonstrating empathy. On the other hand, the quickest way to block connection is to tell someone that what they are feeling is wrong.
Express your gratitude or appreciation or, at least, acknowledge the circumstances. This is another part of the personal connection. People want to be acknowledged and affirmed. This is especially true when the message might contain some bad news or describe the need for some corrective action.
Explain the context. As the originator of the message, we of course know the context and have spent some time thinking about the message. The receiver, on the other hand, does not know the context or logic behind the message. Sometimes even the simplest message gets lost or misunderstood without the foundation of the background or context.
Deliver the message. Only when the previous steps are laid as a foundation for the communication can we expect to be effective. While these steps are absolutely essential for communicating negative news, they make any communication more easily received.
Be open for feedback or discussion. Another element in making communication personal is remaining open for further discussion or explanation. If the message comes across as an edict of some sort, it is cold and the reaction of the receiver is often rejection. The very expression of openness by the presenter invites the receiver into relationship that is more accepting of the message.

Picture some scenarios to see the benefit of these steps in communication. Scenario #1: In the case of the announcement of a plant closing, the ineffective communication is a simple announcement from the CEO with a date and the formalities of the closing process while the effective communication acknowledges the disappointment of the workforce, expresses gratitude for their service over the years, describes the market conditions that led to the decision, expresses an openness in further discussion, and presents the decision as a difficult reality. Scenario #2: In the case of your son violating curfew and therefore losing driving privileges for some time, the ineffective communication is an angry announcement while the effective communication is a discussion about decision-making and consequences, acknowledging disappointment by both parties, but with the same bad news for the son.

In another recent article on communication we discussed the importance of communication being built upon clarity, candor, congruency, consistency, and connection. Leadership is influence that flows out of relationship. Effective communication is key to effective leadership because it draws people into accepting or even seeking the influence of leadership.

In your experience, what additional steps might make for effective communications?

The Value of Vulnerability

Vulnerability. The word alone is enough to make some of us uncomfortable. Yet, vulnerability is a necessary ingredient of any relationship of depth and value. If we recognize that effective leadership is based in relationship rather than position, then vulnerability must be a part of our character.

Historically those in leadership positions (and others) were encouraged to never show emotion. “Never let them see you sweat” was the mantra. We often learned to put up our force field in order to not feel or show any emotion.

Fortunately we have learned that leadership is not the same as dictatorship and that professionalism doesn’t require stoicism. Instead we have learned that effective leaders are those that draw people to follow. And people only follow those that they trust and respect. They will only trust and respect those to whom they can relate. Effective leadership requires building a relationship of trust and respect in order to influence people and that means that some level of vulnerability is a requirement. Without vulnerability only weak connections are possible, not the level of trust and respect that we need to influence well.

Vulnerability should not be viewed as weakness or being wimpy. In fact, vulnerability is a sign of strength. It says, “I am comfortable with who I am and I have the courage to allow others to see the real me.” Vulnerability is being genuine and taking risks in relationship. Dictionaries often define vulnerability as the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. Brené Brown, the social researcher, defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” In other words, vulnerability is letting those in relationship see our emotions as a part of our humanity.

Vulnerability is a requirement in any meaningful relationship. Whether the relationship is in our marriage, with our children or wider family, our close friends, or in the workplace, they all require vulnerability to build depth. If the relationship is going to have depth or strength, it must involve connection deeper than the weather, sports, and the tasks for today. A true relationship touches on emotions. In her book, Daring Greatly, Dr. Brown says. “Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable.”

Focusing now on the role of vulnerability for leadership in the workplace, let us examine what the leadership relationship looks like both with and without vulnerability. Without vulnerability –

others are held at arm’s length
therefore the perception that others have of us can be de-humanizing, they struggle to relate to us
therefore, we are not known
therefore, we cannot really know others
therefore, we cannot see and understand the motivations and challenges that those around us face in their roles and responsibilities
therefore, we are not likely to connect in a way that motivates and inspires.

As a leader without vulnerability, we can be perceived as either uncaring or a superhuman that feels no emotion. Either way, we are standing off from those around us. In summary, it’s difficult to build a relationship of respect and trust without some vulnerability.

On the other hand, a proper level of vulnerability on the part of the leader in the workplace provides the following:

a recognition by others of our humanity and equality
a connection that we all have some level of anxieties and frailties
an openness to understanding and empathy (in both directions)
the ability to relate to one another at a level that fosters trust and respect.

In the workplace, vulnerability is built upon a level of authenticity and transparency. This doesn’t mean pouring out all of the problems you face at home or in other personal relationships. It does mean sharing with those on your team some of the emotions that come as part of responsibility and decision-making including struggles with fear, uncertainty, perhaps even what that critical judge is telling you. Taking responsibility for a failed project or initiative is one small yet concrete example of a leader practicing vulnerability. Vulnerability is about being a real human being and allowing others to see and know us. This builds connection. Only by doing so can we build a true relationship of trust and respect that invites those around to follow.

Are you comfortable and courageous enough to be vulnerable and allow those in relationship to see and hear the real you? Being vulnerable requires a strong level of emotional intelligence. How are you doing with that?