Tag: Conflict

Fear of Conflict

As a leader, it is often necessary to lean into conflict. This conflict might be based on some disagreement that someone has with us or it might be a conflict between two team members.

There is great value in having divergent views and seeking truth and full information. In this effort a team might have heated discussions and disagreements. When this discussion is focused on tasks and information, it is helpful and valuable to the organization. However, when the discussion becomes personal and filled with animosity, it becomes negative conflict. This negative conflict becomes a problem for the organization because it produces the following results:

  • Strained relationships and personal animosity
  • Tense atmosphere in the team
  • Waste of energy
  • Break down of communication
  • Reduction in the exchange of ideas and information
  • Diminished trust and support
  • Eroded commitment to the team and organization
  • Decreased productivity and increased turnover

Because of the detrimental effects, an effective leader needs to prevent, resolve, diffuse, or guide the conflict into a positive outcome. This requires that a leader have both the desire and the ability to lean into the conflict.

Unfortunately, many people are unable to lean in because they have a fear of conflict. This fear of conflict can show up in a variety of forms. One reaction to conflict is to up the ante, to overpower the conflict. Another type of reaction is to submit, to attempt to placate or play nice. The most common reaction is withdrawal, to hide from or ignore conflict.

Years ago, I had a first-hand view of weak leadership in the face of conflict. The company’s executive staff was rife with conflict that frequently broke out in staff meetings. The reaction of the company president in the face of conflict was to push away from the table, fold his arms across his chest, and smirk as the conflict rolled on. Reading the body language gave some ideas of the president’s views of conflict.

This fear of conflict often rises out of past experiences. Most often the roots go back to family of origin issues in which conflict was a tool of control that became something to be feared. In many families we seldom saw healthy relationships and did not learn the skills of emotional intelligence. Conflict was allowed to become personal at great cost to those involved. Therefore we may have learned to run from conflict.

The ability to lean into conflict requires authentic emotional intelligence in all four dimensions. A person must be fully aware of their own emotions as they step into conflict, able to manage well their own emotions, aware of the emotions of others, and skilled at managing relationships. With a base of strong emotional intelligence, a leader can lean into conflict using something like the following steps:

  • Recognize the debilitating nature of personal conflict on the organization.
  • Adopt a mindset that the cost of leaning into conflict is less than the cost of letting it continue, i.e., become willing to risk moving in.
  • Confront conflict in an emotionally-healthy manner. Provide feedback that points out the negative impact and the consequences that future conflict will produce.
  • Lead discussions of resolution and relationship building.
  • Model healthy discussion of information and debate of facts without allowing personal conflict, demonstrating respect for all persons.

To get to the position where one is able to implement this plan may first require some introspection and self-awareness to understand his/her mindset regarding conflict and the roots of that mindset. The next necessary level of self-awareness is an understanding of strengths and weaknesses in emotional intelligence. From there, a development plan may be necessary to build the skills and ability to lean into conflict. The most important step is to begin to practice leaning into conflict and then continue building comfort and competency at doing so.

Are you a carrier or a resolver of personal conflict? Are you able to lean into conflict and help others build healthy relationships?

Disagreement vs. Conflict

Call it what you will – discussion, debate, disagreement, argument, conflict, confrontation – as a leader you face the task of keeping these encounters productive for the organization and preventing them from becoming debilitating. To gain the maximum benefit, the organization wants to promote the free flow of ideas and information. To prevent damage to the organization and its people, we want to refrain from personal battles. Only with a strong culture and a lot of practice are we able to accomplish both. The leader needs to guide the organization and keep debates and disagreements from becoming conflict and confrontation.

The cardinal rule: separate the idea from the identity. It is always good to consider and build ideas; it is not acceptable to damage identities.

Culture should establish the rules of engagement. What do we as an organization believe about people and what do we believe about ideas? What is acceptable or encouraged? What is out of bounds in the way that we deal with people?

Exploring ideas, gathering the best thoughts from the organization, is generally the best route because it adds value. Gathering thoughts from a range of people provides different perspectives, perhaps even different views of truth. Building thought upon thought makes the process robust and adds value. Challenging thoughts and facts drives us to the most likely truth. Exploring together helps each participant to think deeper. And the conclusion after an energetic and full discussion is more likely to produce buy-in from the group. There may still be opposing views in the group, but everyone should be able to unite behind the group’s decision, having had their opportunity to voice their ideas and to be heard and considered by the team. Thus, a culture that values the full presentation and exploration of information without bias and hierarchy adds the greatest value to the organization.

The danger in an energetic discussion of ideas is that it can sometimes turn into a personal battle. We can lose sight of the idea under discussion and slip into the “my idea versus your idea” mode and then into a “me versus you” conflict. If we are able to separate the idea from the identity and maintain the focus on the inanimate idea, the organization wins and there are no winners and losers among the team members. If the discussion or disagreement regarding ideas moves to conflict, then someone (or both parties) falls into the winner-loser battle.

Of course, conflict is not just rooted in a discussion of ideas, it can grow out of any sort of damaged interpersonal relationship. Whatever the source, conflict needs to be resolved before it festers between the two parties and grows into conflict between their allies, departments, etc. Conflicts can sap the energy out of an organization and cause all sorts of problems throughout the organization if they are allowed to continue.

Some organizations actually have a culture which will not tolerate interpersonal conflict and pressures the participants to quickly recognize and resolve their conflict. Unfortunately, this is the great minority of organizations. There are other organizations that won’t tolerate open conflict but won’t push for identifying and resolving it. And, of course, there are organizations that relish conflict, in a “survival of the fittest” mindset.

Most organizations recognize that conflict is harmful to the organization and gets in the way of progress and productivity. Often, the responsibility for facilitating conflict resolution falls to leadership. For many people, it is scary to step into a conflict and force resolution. But avoiding conflict, a more natural human tendency, has a high cost to the organization.

An effective leader has a keen radar that identifies interpersonal conflict and steps in to encourage or force resolution. Of course, the leader, as a third party, cannot resolve the conflict. His/her role is to confront the conflict, point out that it is unacceptable, and facilitate a discussion between the parties aimed at their resolution of the issue. Stepping into conflict is not an easy task and requires courage and skill on the part of the leader to bring the parties together and to facilitate a productive discussion. Resolving conflict does not mean that the parties involved are going to be friends or like each other. But the organization suffers if the people are unable or unwilling to respect each other and to work together productively. Therefore, as a steward of the organization, the leader needs to surface conflict and see that it is resolved.

Does your organization’s culture encourage exploring and challenging ideas while protecting its people?

Positive Conflict

There are three basic ways for an organization to deal with conflict. Only one of the three is healthy or positive. The two unhealthy ways of dealing with culture are the most predominant. This is unfortunate since healthy conflict is an important part of building a healthy and successful organization.

The two unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict are either to avoid any conflict or to use conflict as a means to gain power over another person by using conflict as a personal attack.  These are generally a result of learned behavior from early in life where a person saw conflict modeled in one of these unhealthy ways. They might have been taught that conflict is bad and should always be avoided. Or they might have been in a climate of conflict as personal attack and either adopted that behavior or resolved that conflict was dangerous and always to be avoided.

Positive conflict is seeking or sharing truth in a climate of grace. For an organization, healthy conflict provides the means to explore ideas and contribute to the group’s intelligence in a way that gathers the best thoughts from everyone. Positive conflict allows the team members to challenge and explore ideas and proposals without the discussion seeming to be a personal attack or confrontation. Healthy conflict builds a strong and healthy organization.

In speaking about marriage, the late psychologist Gary Smalley would often say, “Conflict is the doorway to intimacy.” Healthy conflict allows a couple to share the truth about their thoughts and feelings. This truth leads to understanding which should lead to acceptance and appreciation of each other.

In a similar way, in an organization healthy conflict provides a means for developing an understanding of the other team members. As team members understand and appreciate each other, the team is able to work together more effectively.

How does an organization develop this culture of healthy conflict or truth in a climate in grace? Here are some suggestions:

  1. Set clear expectations and model the behavior. Remember that the organization’s culture is a reflection of the leader’s character. Therefore, the leader must demonstrate value for the individual and value for truth. Encourage a culture that values diversity of thought and opinions. Focus the team on their shared goals and the leverage that can be gained from different viewpoints.
  2. Encourage and reward people who are willing to take a stand and support their position. If the team is in the habit of saying yes to the leader, the leader should speak last. Ask for dissenting views. Express appreciation for those that are willing to speak up and disagree with the group or the dominant voice. Check for your own congruency between both verbal and non-verbal expressions of openness. A part of the culture needs to be the ability to express divergent views but then fully support the group decision. Expressing truth should be enlightening, not divisive.
  3. Set a group norm that dissent is focused on ideas, issues, or direction and never on people. One way to to do so is to separate the idea from the person by providing a means of visualizing the idea as a thing or body of its own in the middle of the discussion. Be quick to intercept any personal inferences or signs that the conflict is stepping beyond the bounds of truth regarding the issue. Add a measure of grace to balance any elevated emotion that seems personal. Be sure that the dissenting parties leave the discussion at peace with each other. Watch for side or secret meetings that might take place and violate the team’s expectations of truth in grace.
  4. Expect people to support opinions with facts and data. Opinions are valuable and encouraged but there needs to be a basis in fact. Encourage people to do the research and come back with demonstrated data that adds to the group’s collective truth.

For organizations that have been in the habit of unhealthy conflict, either avoiding conflict or allowing personal conflict, some diligent effort is required to root out the unhealthy practices and replace them with truth in grace. However, the benefits of an expanded base of knowledge and increased cohesiveness of the team make it well worth the effort.

Does your organization practice a truth in grace model of conflict? If not, what is the cost to your organization?