Character Traits – Page 2 – New Horizon Partners

Leaders Are Servants

The best leaders are, by their nature, servants of those that follow. This servant mentality comes from the character traits that define the best leaders. To be a leader is not a title or position that is assigned to a person. The role of leader is one granted by followers who deem a person worthy of trust to the degree that they are then willing to follow. The characteristics of a servant leader are the traits that draw people to trust and follow.

The servant leader should not be viewed as wimpy or subservient. The traits that define leadership presence are not in conflict with the traits of serving. The best example of a servant leader might be Jesus Christ who, regardless of his position as Son of God, did not regard himself as better than those who followed him. And his servant attitude did not make him subservient to anyone except his heavenly Father.

The servant attitude of a leader is a result of character traits such as the following:

The servant leader respects and values people. They think you, not me. The leader would not ask anyone to do what they themselves would be unwilling to do. They value the opinions, thoughts, and emotions of team members.
The servant leader acts with humility. They are not haughty or proud. They rely on their inner person rather than using position or title. There is a sense of equality and team.
The servant leader encourages those around them. They have a positive attitude and they believe in their team members. Their confidence is contagious.
The servant leader seeks the success of those around them. They are committed to help people grow and blossom. They develop leaders in those that they lead.
The servant leader is authentic. They are comfortable with who they are and are willing to allow others to see both their strengths and weaknesses.
The servant leader develops a culture of trust. They are consistent in keeping their word and caring for others.
The servant leader has a long-term view. They are thinking of the benefits to the organization and their people over time. They are willing to invest in others for future results.
The servant leader values results for others. They are not self-centered or selfish but seek benefits for those around them.

Leadership is influence and influence is based on relationship. The underlying theme in all of these traits is that servant leaders think of others rather themselves and the end result is that their people respect and trust the leader. This respect and trust leads to performance and results.

Are you developing the character of a servant? What other characteristics do you see as valuable in serving those that you lead?

Leaders Are Communicators

Leadership is influence and influence can only be achieved with good communications. Whether we are promoting a shared vision, encouraging team collaboration, developing our people, or any other part of the leadership role, communication is a key element that determines success as a leader.

Leadership is composed of character and competency. Since good communication is so fundamental to leadership it should be no surprise that there is also both a character and a competency component to good communications.

The best leaders have a drive to communicate, the character element. Because these leaders have a respect for people and a desire to build relationships, the desire to communicate is a part of who they are, a part of their character. These leaders have a desire to know and be known by the people with whom they interact. Communication ties in with the character traits of transparency, humility, openness, empathy and other key traits of leaders.

This desire to communicate should not be confused with the personality factors of introversion and extroversion. Extroverts gain energy through interaction with others while introverts use energy to interact. But the desire to know others and to communicate is a separate trait.

The other part of a leader’s communication is the competency or skill developed to do so most effectively. Great leaders are great communicators. They work hard at learning to communicate effectively. Some of the essential elements of communication competency are clarity, candor, consistency, congruency, and connection.

Clarity – leaders must communicate clearly at a level that is easily understood by the audience.

Be proactive; people left in the dark wander from the vision and waste energy speculating.
Understand the purpose of every communication, define the objective, and tailor the means and content to meet the objective.
Make it simple and concise, understandable to the audience, and focused on the objective; communicate specifics not ambiguities.
It’s not just the “what” but also the “how” of communicating – appropriate to the purpose, with authority.

Candor – leaders need to be trusted in order to be followed.

Speak the truth; honesty and transparency builds trust.
Be open and authentic; communicate from the heart.
Admit mistakes; people don’t relate to those pretending to be perfect, they relate to those that are human and humble.
Be willing to embrace the negative, both to admit it and to hear it.

Consistency – maintain a continual flow of information to stay connected.

Develop and implement a communication plan that schedules periodic communication, both written and verbal, to institutionalize communications.
Make a point of communicating both with the larger audience and on an individual basis with people throughout the organization.
Another part of consistency is making the message continually reflect the culture.

Congruency – communication is more than just the words that you write or speak.

In speaking, both to individuals as well as to a group, be sure that your body language reflects the message that you are seeking to deliver.
In written and oral communications, check the tone as well as the words you use.

Connection – communication is more than speaking and writing, leaders need to know and relate to their audience.

Communication is not just distributing information, it includes listening to understand and perceiving emotions and attitudes.
In individual communication, read body language.
Speak to the concerns of the listener, know the context.
Promote two-way communication, solicit feedback.

Your leadership success is dependent upon your communication character and competency.

What are doing to build your communication capability? What are the stumbling blocks to great communications?

Competency and Character

Great leadership is based on a combination of both strong competencies and excellent character. The best skills without the positive character traits leaves people cold. Great skills alone can obtain results for the short term but a stressful or highly emotional situation draws out true character and, if that character is weak, will cause followers to not trust and follow. . Great character traits without the skills can make a leader likeable but people don’t see a benefit for the future. Without strong leadership skills, people don’t see enough substance to develop long-term results.

Leadership competency or skills include such things as the ability to communicate, manage change, create a vision, read and understand people, influence others, and negotiate effectively. It includes the ability to digest information and think strategically. Relevant technical and functional skills are important such as scientific knowledge or a strong financial background. Competencies include decision-making and the ability to organize and manage. Competencies in the area of communication include the ability to write or speak clearly and convincingly, the ability to teach, and the ability to organize and manage meetings.

Competencies are learned skills. We develop them through experience, following an example or model, or some education process. This might be from a book or seminar. In a sense, competencies can be viewed as tools in a toolbox.

While competencies are what a person knows or is capable of doing, character is who we are. Character can be defined as the sum of virtues, values and traits. The character of a strong, effective leader includes such traits and virtues as integrity, honesty, confidence, humility, authenticity, passion, selflessness, ethical, and respect for others. Character is built into our lives through our beliefs and the practice of those beliefs over time.

In an effective leader competency and character flow together. It may be difficult at times to differentiate whether actions are based on competency or character. On the other hand, when a person is attempting to lead without a base of both competency and character, it can be both obvious and ineffective. Some further examples of both one-sided and blended actions are shown below.

A person with good communication skills can craft a document that presents the facts clearly. A leader with both communication skills and a respect for others presents the facts clearly and in a manner that values the audience and considers the impact and likely emotions of the reader.
A person with meeting management skills can organize and conduct an efficient meeting. A leader with both competency and character can conduct a meeting where the attendees feel a part of the process and that their input is valued.
A person with the ability to teach others can present information clearly when asked to do so. A leader with both competency and character looks for teaching opportunities in every interaction.

Evaluating and building our competencies can be straight-forward. What skills do we have and where do I need to build more or deeper skills? Evaluating and building our character requires a deeper look and a greater effort as we often actually need to change who we are as we strengthen our character.

Where do you need to grow and what is your plan for doing so?

A Primer on Emotional Intelligence

“What did people do before there was emotional intelligence?” I was asked at a leadership workshop a short time ago. The term emotional intelligence has grown in popularity and become an important concept in leadership over the past twenty years. But before we began using the term, emotional intelligence was a skill of great leaders. We can see references to emotional intelligence from the ancient Greek philosophers and from King Solomon in Proverbs. One of the reasons why Abraham Lincoln is considered to be one of our greatest presidents is because he seems to have had strong emotional intelligence. Dale Carnegie’s classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, is full of emotional intelligence.

While emotional intelligence (“EI”) has existed forever, it’s just in the last 20-30 years that it has been labeled, studied, and grown in awareness of its importance in all sorts of social interaction. The term “emotional intelligence” seems to have first been used by Michael Beldoch in a scientific paper in 1964. In 1983, Howard Gardner’s Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences was an introduction to a different way of thinking about intelligence, including the idea of intrapersonal intelligence and interpersonal intelligence. The doctoral thesis of Wayne Payne, A Study of Emotion: Developing Emotional Intelligence, was published in 1985. In 1989 Salovey and Mayer published a model of emotional intelligence, as did Stanley Greenspan. All of these papers were academic works in the area of psychology and sociology.

The work that really ignited interest in emotional intelligence was Daniel Goleman’s 1995 book, Emotional Intelligence – Why it can matter more than IQ, which reached the mass audience and achieved best-seller status. This book was prompted by the previous academic papers and by the growing ability of neuroscience to actually see and measure the emotional activity of the brain. It spread the idea that emotional intelligence can be important in developing positive relationships, and therefore can impact the quality of any type of social interaction.

Goleman’s book opened the floodgate for a stream of books by many authors and scientific studies and papers postulating and examining the impact of EI. While measuring and comparing EI in individuals is not an exact science (one of the criticisms), it is generally recognized that emotional intelligence contributes to more effective relationships and therefore, better results. Goleman claims that 67 percent of all abilities associated with strong job performance were related to emotional intelligence. Travis Bradberry, the author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, claims that 90% of top performers at work are also high in emotional intelligence while just 20% of bottom performers at work are high in emotional intelligence. He also claims that 58% of job performance is due to EI. A 2010 meta-analysis conducted by Virginia Commonwealth University and published in the Journal of Organizational Behavior found that emotional intelligence was very important to job performance. Some results from specific studies are as follows:

Restaurant managers with higher EQ create 34% greater annual profit growth, increased guest satisfaction, higher employee retention.
In a study with naval officers, emotional intelligence proved to be more powerful at predicting leadership efficacy than either IQ or managerial competence.
Of the leaders with high emotional self-awareness, 92% created positive workplace climates.
After supervisors in a manufacturing plant received training in emotional competencies, lost-time accidents were reduced by 50%, formal grievances were reduced from an average of 15 per year to 3 per year, and the plant exceeded productivity goals by $250,000.
Plant efficiency increases by 9.4% during major EQ initiative focused on managers and the creation of vital teams.

Emotional intelligence consists of skills and traits relating to understanding and managing emotions. The various models of EI fall into two camps: the ability model that defines emotional intelligence as a cognitive ability and the mixed model that defines it as a combination of cognitive and learned personal aspects.

The Mayer and Salovey model was the earliest model and defined emotional intelligence in the following four branches:

The ability to perceive emotions in oneself and others accurately.
The ability to use emotions to facilitate thinking.
The ability to understand emotions, emotional language, and the signals conveyed by emotions.
The ability to manage emotions so as to attain specific goals.

The most popular of the later, mixed models are those described by Goleman in Primal Leadership or by Bradberry in Emotional Intelligence 2.0. Goleman labels these as domains, with traits and skills in each domain. Bradberry labels these as skills, with specific strategies in each skill.

Self-awareness
Self-management
Social awareness
Relationship management

In other publications Goleman has used five domains: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skill. Both the Mayer and Salovey model and the Goleman model are hierarchical in that the lower levels are prerequisites for the higher levels.

While some models describe emotional intelligence as a cognitive ability, it is clear that emotional intelligence can be developed and grown through specific effort. The intentional change theory of Richard Boyatzis, referenced in Primal Leadership, is one method. A related tool for growing EI is a cohort leadership group where the group members can provide input into each others’ lives and growth. The general idea behind growing in emotional intelligence is retraining the brain, or developing new neural networks that provide the pathway to responding to emotional triggers in a different, more preferable manner. There are a variety of assessment tools that provide relative measures of emotional intelligence.

Mayer and Salovey defined emotional intelligence as “the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.” Other definitions of EI include “the ability to identify, assess, and control one’s own emotions, the emotions of others, and that of groups” or “the ability to recognize, understand and manage our own emotions and to recognize, understand and influence the emotions of others.”

Since emotional intelligence impacts social interaction and relationships, the development of EI skills can contribute to more effective leadership, marriages, parenting, politics, community, or any other scenario requiring personal interactions. Those with low EI will struggle in awareness or control of their own emotions or will find it difficult to comprehend and deal with emotions in others. On the other hand, those with high EI can function at a higher level in terms of their own emotions and understanding and building effective relationships with those around them.

How effective is your emotional intelligence? How are you growing?

12 Habits of Genuine People

Often the most highly valued character traits of leaders, in fact of any person, are listed as authenticity, sincerity, vulnerability, transparency, or integrity. These are descriptors of the type of person that draws others into relationship. They can be trusted as a safe person. WYSIWYG – what you see is what you get. People without these sorts of character traits might be better kept at a bit of distance because they cannot be fully trusted.

Another word describing a person with these sorts of character traits is “genuine.” Dr. Travis Bradberry, the author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, wrote an article titled 12 Habits of Genuine People describing such genuine people. Genuine people are self-aware, self-confident, and comfortable in their own skin. They are also humble, respecting and valuing others. Here are the 12 habits that Dr. Bradberry used to describe genuine people in case you don’t have time to read the full article:

Genuine people don’t try to make people like them. Genuine people are who they are. They know that some people will like them, and some won’t. And they’re okay with that.
They don’t pass judgment. Genuine people are open-minded, which makes them approachable and interesting to others.
They forge their own paths. Genuine people don’t derive their sense of pleasure and satisfaction from the opinions of others.
They are generous They want you to do well more than anything else because they’re team players and they’re confident enough to never worry that your success might make them look bad. In fact, they believe that your success is their success.
They treat EVERYONE with respect. Genuine people treat everyone with respect because they believe they’re no better than anyone else.
They aren’t motivated by material things. Genuine people don’t need shiny, fancy stuff in order to feel good. Their happiness comes from within and from relationships with those around them.
They are trustworthy. You know that if they say something, it’s because they believe it to be true.
They are thick-skinned. Genuine people have a strong enough sense of self that they don’t go around seeing offense that isn’t there.
They put away their phones. Genuine people create connection and find depth even in short, everyday conversations. Their genuine interest in other people makes it easy for them to ask good questions and relate what they’re told to other important facets of the speaker’s life.
They aren’t driven by ego. Genuine people don’t make decisions based on their egos because they don’t need the admiration of others in order to feel good about themselves. Likewise, they don’t seek the limelight or try to take credit for other people’s accomplishments.
They aren’t hypocrites. Genuine people practice what they preach. They don’t tell you to do one thing and then do the opposite themselves. That’s largely due to their self-awareness.
They don’t brag. They’re confident in their accomplishments, but they also realize that when you truly do something that matters, it stands on its own merits, regardless of how many people notice or appreciate it.

See the full article for a further development of these 12 traits of genuine people.

React or Respond?

Two words that sound very similar describe how we might reply to things that people around us might say or do – we might react or we might respond. Yet there is a big difference between the two words, both in how we reply and the consequences of our reply. Consider the example of a doctor saying that our body is reacting to medication or responding to medication. The meaning is much different. When we find ourselves in a conversation or situation that raises the emotions, we need to be intentional in order to achieve positive results.

To react to comments or actions of those around us is generally a defensive or emotional reply. Sometimes a reaction is described as saying something “without even thinking about it.” This is because we don’t think about reactions. We hear or see something that trips an emotional trigger within us. In an emotional reaction our limbic system, that part of our brain responsible for protecting us and controlling our reflexive actions, jumps in and blurts out a reply. The limbic system is responsible for the flee, fight, or freeze reaction to perceived threats. If the limbic system of our brain senses anger, fear, humiliation, or other negative emotions in the comments or actions around us, even if not intended to be so, it springs into action and reacts.

Reacting tends to be a subconscious reflex. The impact of a reaction is often to escalate the emotional tone of a discussion. A reaction by one person prompts an emotional reaction from the other party.

To respond to comments or actions of those around us is to provide a more thoughtful reply. A response is the result of the brain taking control away from the limbic system and giving control to the prefrontal cortex, the cognitive or logical part of the brain. This move to thoughtfulness is intentional and is a result of developed emotional intelligence. In a response we take into account the emotion of the other party, we consider the intent, and we construct a more logical response. The words of a response might even be the same as a reaction but they are offered in a different context and without the negative emotion.

Responding is a conscious and deliberate action. In a response you are more likely to maintain your integrity, remaining true to who you are. The impact of a response is to draw the other party into the conversation and develop a more positive dialogue and outcome.

To respond rather than react, we could follow these seven APPLIED steps:

Awareness – Recognize the emotion that rises up within us. This requires exercising our emotional self-awareness to sense when our limbic system is taking control.

Pause – Interrupt the tendency to react without thinking by taking a deep breath or taking a few minutes.

Perceive – Intentionally engage the prefrontal cortex by thinking through the possible explanations of intent from the other person and alternatives for a constructive response.

Loosen up – When our limbic system jumps into react mode, it reflexively begins arming our body for confrontation. Energy flows, muscles tighten, fists clench. It is difficult to convince the other party that we want to have a civil conversation while our body is saying otherwise, so we may need to intentionally relax a bit.

Inquire – Seek clarification. One of the effective ways of engaging our cognitive brain is to ask questions and explore the situation with the other party. Rather than jumping to a conclusion, first gather more information.

Envision – Think with the future in mind. What is the outcome that best serves the long-term vision and goals of both parties? Structure a response that provides a benefit to both.

Dialogue – Rather than firing back a salvo of reaction, respond with a thoughtful comment to draw the other party into a dialogue. Seek to understand and be understood. For the other party, being understood meets a deeply human need and draws them into relationship, the opposite result from what a reaction would cause.

A response is more likely to produce a positive outcome while a reaction is more likely to cause a negative outcome. This strategy applies to our leadership but can also be applicable to marriage, dealing with our children, or any relationship. Train yourself to respond, rather than react.

How strong is your emotional self-awareness? Are you able to thoughtfully respond or do you often get sucked into reaction mode?

Humility, Confidence, and Arrogance

Humility and confidence are two of the most important character traits of an effective leader. Healthy humility and confidence based on reality are both important in building a relationship of influence. The more complete our humility and confidence, the better will be our ability to influence as a leader. What does not fit as a part of leadership is the character trait of arrogance, which is opposite of humility and confidence.

Humility is not meekness or weakness. It is not a low view of oneself, but rather a low view of one’s importance relative to other people. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines humility as “the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people.” Healthy humility is a character trait that is built upon the character value of believing in the importance of every person. Leadership is influence and influence is built upon relationships. William James said that “The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.” This healthy humility invites the other person into relationship because the value that is placed on the other person is evident. Healthy humility then draws people into relationship where they feel valued and appreciated and therefore open to the influence of leadership.

Humility character development New Horizon Partners

Confidence is not pride or arrogance. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines confidence as “a feeling or belief that you can do something well or succeed at something.” It is the self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities. Healthy or well-placed confidence is based on a firm grip on reality, the self-awareness of clearly understanding one’s capabilities as well as strengths and weaknesses. Confidence is not based on the magnitude of our abilities but on the accuracy of our self-awareness. This confidence shows up in the leadership relationship as strength or self-assurance upon which people can rely. This strength or confidence also draws people into relationship because they see the strength and feel able to trust it.

Humility and confidence have a positive relationship with each other. These two character traits have no need to be balanced because by nature they balance each other. With a clear understanding of our capabilities and our strengths and weaknesses, we can be comfortable with who we are and what we are able to do. Therefore, with strong confidence we are able to be humble, valuing those around us for what they can contribute. If we truly are humble and place high value in others, we can be secure in our own capabilities, knowing that we have no need to outshine others or puff ourselves up.

Arrogance is also a character trait, although not an attractive one in leadership. Arrogance is largely the result of not having healthy humility or of not having confidence based on reality. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines arrogance as “an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions.” In other words, arrogance is an attitude of self-importance or pride. Where humility is based on a belief in the importance of others, arrogance is based on a belief in the importance of self, polar opposites in attitude. Arrogance can often be the result of an effort to compensate either for a lack of capability or a lack of confidence. Without confidence, a person could feel the need to puff oneself up and pretend to be superior or arrogant.

Where humility and confidence draw those around us into a relationship where we are able to influence, arrogance has the opposite effect. Arrogance creates a lack of trust and respect, driving people away from relationship, undermining the potential for influencing as a leader. Thus there is no room for arrogance in effective leadership.

How do we build healthy humility and confidence based on reality? Growing humility is a matter of character growth, building our belief in the value of other people and coming to terms with a lower level of self-importance relative to others. Growing in confidence is a matter of further developing our own self-awareness and self-acceptance. Character growth is not a matter of learning a new skill but is a matter of retraining our brain to incorporate new values and traits into the way that we think and behave.

Do you possess healthy humility and confidence rooted in reality? Are you growing in character?

“The Soul of Shame” by Curt Thompson

“Shame is something we all experience at some level, more consciously for some than for others.” People tend to overlook or underestimate the presence or power of shame; in the process they fail to recognize the loss of a part of their potential. Shame shows up as that critical voice that invades the narrative of your life which is continually being re-written in the back of your mind. Shame strives to make you ineffective as a leader or whatever your endeavor. “The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe about Ourselves” by Curt Thompson, MD helps us understand the source of shame and how we can manage or quiet that critical voice. Different from many other books on the subject, Dr. Thompson weaves together neuroscience, psychology, and Biblical theology to provide a grass-roots understanding of shame, how it endeavors to defeat us, and the means to quiet or control that voice.

Shame is a word that makes many people uncomfortable but we know shame as the “critical voice”, the “internal judge”, the “saboteur”, or other names. Some people hear shame loudly and some hardly recognize that it is there. But everyone has occasion to hear that voice in the back of the mind that says “You are not enough.” It might say that you are not ____ (smart, hard-working, beautiful, sexy, caring, worthwhile, perfect, talented, lovable, etc.) enough or it might criticize you in some other way. Shame differs from guilt. Guilt says “I did something that was bad” while shame says “I am bad.” Shame can grow on the platform of guilt but it doesn’t really need any basis or root in reality. Shame not only colors our current perceptions but also our view of the past and our expectations of the future.

soul of shame

In “The Soul of Shame” the author explains how shame is a part of who we are as human beings. In doing so Dr. Thompson presents these four major additions to our understanding of shame:

Shame plays a part and provides some explanation of the redemption story described in Scripture.
As humans, we have a constant narrative in our minds about ourselves and the life around us which shame is constantly attempting to subvert.
While shame is often seen as an individual thing, individual shame affects the relational dynamics of groups such as church, community, and work.
In fact, groups also have a group narrative and there can be a group shame that attempts to defeat the group purpose.

In the introduction to the book, Dr. Thompson writes, “From the beginning it has been God’s purpose for this world to be one of emerging goodness, beauty, and joy. Evil has wielded shame as a primary weapon to see to it that that world never happens…….It is the emotional weapon that evil uses to (1) corrupt our relationships with God and each other, and (2) disintegrate any and all gifts of vocational vision and creativity.”

Humans are created for relationship. We have an innate desire to know and be known. In healthy relationships we are accepted just as we are and we can be vulnerable so that we become more fully known. Shame tells us that if we are known we will be found to be flawed and not enough, therefore we must hide our flawed self. Hence, shame attempts to isolate us, hiding us from the very need, vulnerable relationship, that can inoculate us against shame.

Dr. Thompson spends chapters two and three explaining the brain, the mind (a higher level concept of who we are), and the neuroscience behind shame. He references Daniel Siegel’s nine domains of the mind. To become a more complete and creation-designed person requires continual further integration of these nine domains. Shame, on the other hand, seeks to disintegrate these domains at the same time that it is disintegrating us from relationships. Throughout the rest of the book, Dr. Thompson refers back to what he terms IPNB, interpersonal neurobiology, and the functions of the brain. One of shame’s tactics is to short-circuit our effort to use our thinking brain, the prefrontal cortex, and instead keep the limbic system of the brain involved in flee, fight, or freeze modality.

In the book Dr. Thompson personifies shame by calling it the shame attendant, the voice that is whispering in our ear. He traces this voice back to the experience of Adam and Eve, who had a perfect relationship with their Creator yet felt that they were not enough. As a result they went from “naked and unashamed” to finding their fig leaves, hiding in the garden, and blaming each other and the Creator for their decisions. Later in the book the author spends time explaining how Jesus, by taking on a human body, experiences and conquers shame (especially the time of temptation in the wilderness), and completes the redemption story by hanging “naked and unashamed” on the cross. Throughout the book there are enlightening discussions of Scripture as it relates to relationships and shame.

Shame is both ubiquitous and shape-shifting. As we go through a day there is a subconscious narrative that takes place in our minds. We are often trying to make sense of what is going on inside of us and of what is going on around us. These narratives have different paths and purposes and there can be multiple paths overlapping. It might be as simple as “I wonder if that police officer is clocking me?” to trying to understand how we are being perceived by our spouse in our actions and words. Shame is looking for opportunities to subvert these narratives to undermine our relationships and integration. Shame can find its fertile ground most anywhere. It can twist words and imagine intent from people near or far in relationship to us. “Shame, as it turns out, lives in the smallest of details, the commonest of life’s moments, and that is exactly where it wants to remain.” Shame wants not to be known and, in so doing, wants us not to be known. In that way we remain less than the integrated, creative beings that we were made to be. Shame interrupts or disturbs our relationships both with those around us and with God.

“We will not be rid of shame this side of the new heaven and earth; rather, we grow in our awareness of shame in order to scorn it.” We cannot fully defeat shame but we can turn the table on shame, shaming it instead by knowing it and making it known. We do this in large part by taking the bold step of finding or developing healthy relationships of vulnerability where we can be known and accepted for who we are. We were created with a need for vulnerable relationships and a part of that need is to expose and shame shame. Other elements of quieting the voice of shame include developing our understanding and awareness of shame and contrasting it with what we were created to be.

Throughout the book Dr. Thompson provides helpful case studies where the presenting problem seemed clear but the causal roots were actually found in underlying or hidden shame. He explains Scripture with the story of shame and he explains the story of shame with Scripture. He demonstrates how ubiquitous shame can be and provides guidance for finding it and guarding against it in our family relationships, in our churches, communities, and workplaces, in all the places where shame might seek to defeat us or those around us.

This is a great book and I highly recommend it. For another, more extensive review of this book, see Leslie Vernick’s summary. Also, for more on the subject of shame, see the books by Brené Brown.

Is shame, by whatever name you call it, isolating you and hijacking your effectiveness?

Ready, Fire, Aim

4 Character-Based Stumbling Blocks to Good Decision-Making

As leaders we are often called upon for decisions or to effectively guide a decision process. We face choices every day, some large, some small, some urgent, some mundane. A large part of a leader’s responsibility is focused on decision-making.

strategic decisions New Horizon Partners

A good decision process includes the following steps:

Ready – Identify and clearly articulate the pressing issue. This might require asking five whys or seeking other perspectives. Before we can make a good decision we need to understand and have consensus on what needs to be resolved.
Aim – Gather information and input. We need to make informed decisions. Once we understand the issue, we may need to identify contributing factors, decision options, and implications of various options. We may need both facts and the opinions of those involved or affected by the decision.
Fire – After we know the issue and understand the facts, we are ready to make a decision and take action. The final decision may fall to the leader, may be delegated, or there may be a team consensus process, depending upon the culture and nature of the decision required.

But sometimes people (or organizations) have certain stumbling blocks that interfere with making good decisions in an appropriate manner. Often these stumbling blocks can rise up out of character, interfering with an effective decision process.

Stumbling Block #1 – Ready, Fire, Aim – Some people are eager to make decisions. Maybe this comes from their desire for power or maybe from arrogance, believing they must have the right answer. These people make snap judgments and quick decisions without gathering the facts. Quick-trigger decisions can simply confuse the organization, sapping energy. Frequently someone needs to come back later and clean up the mess and choose a different path. Effective leaders are not enamored with either power or perfection but with performance; they seek to make good decisions.

Stumbling Block #2 – Ready, Ready, Ready for What? – Some people have trouble seeing the need for decisions because they have difficulty in facing reality. They cannot see the issues because they cannot accept that things are not the way that they perceive them. For example, they might refuse to believe that the market environment has changed (We don’t need to worry about those new entrants, they never survive.) or that the organization needs to change (We’ve always done it that way.) Effective leaders have a nice balance of optimism and skepticism; they are ready and able to embrace reality. They scan the horizon to identify issues early and move forward in making timely decisions.

Stumbling Block #3 – Ready, Aim, Aim, Aim…. – Some people have difficulty making a decision. They consistently need more information or they need to think about it for a while. “Let’s come back to this at another meeting.” Often this inability to make timely decisions is a result of a critical voice that tells them they need to be perfect, that they are not OK if they make a mistake. A few decisions are “do or die” but most are not. The decision process needs to gather input but, once we have the facts, we are often wasting time and energy as we wait for more information and a decision. Being timely is often as important as being right. Effective leaders have strength and confidence; with a healthy appetite for realism and facts, they are able to accept risks and the possibility of making a mistake now and then.

Stumbling Block #4 – Ready, Aim, Fi…….. – The decision is not complete until there is an appropriate action plan for implementation in place. Who does this affect? What needs to be communicated, to whom, and how? What actions need to take place? Who will be responsible? How will they be tracked? Some leaders are too busy moving on to the next issue and decision, which leaves the previous one half-baked in a sort of ADD scenario. Effective leaders understand the system and see things through; they are able to delegate and hold people responsible.

Effective leaders deal with reality and recognize issues that require decisions. In this process they are cognizant of the appropriate level for decision-making. They guide their people in gathering the relevant information needed for the decision process with reasonable confidence. They lead or oversee the appropriate decision-making process and assure that the decision is effectively implemented.

What is your decision process and where are your stumbling blocks?

I Am the Problem

When working with married couples who are struggling or just want to grow in their relationship, we often encourage them to adopt the mindset of “In this relationship I am the biggest problem.” This is not an attitude of self-condemnation. And it is not saying that the other person is without any faults. It is rather the realistic acceptance that we are responsible for our own thoughts and behaviors. We are not likely to be successful when our goal is changing the other person.

relationship leadership Ken Vaughan

In leadership situations where we have relational struggles, the same mindset is also appropriate. Leadership is influence and influence is only achieved through positive relationships. So what should be our response when we wish to lead someone with whom we have some conflict or someone who might be obstinate or have some social skill challenges?

If our focus is on trying to change the other person, some outcomes might be as follows:

We might be so focused on the other person’s issues that we fail to see our own faults. (Everyone has some weaknesses.)
We might appear arrogant, driving the other person away.
We might fail to recognize or understand what is bothering the other person.
We might not recognize our own contributions to the conflict or lack of communication.
There might be some resentment developed in the other person.
We might drive a further wedge or build a higher wall in the relationship with our attitude.

On the other hand, if we adopt the mindset that “I am the problem in this relationship” we will search for ways to bridge the gap and heal or grow the relationship. Even if we are convinced that the other person has a relational problem, we should look for the ways that we can grow as an individual or that we can adapt to work with the other person. With this mindset we might see outcomes as follows:

If we’re focusing on our part we are probably growing in some way.
We might show vulnerability that we are human and have weaknesses, making ourselves approachable.
We might see things from the other person’s perspective.
We might show humility thus inviting others into relationship.
We might discover some solutions that actually work to bridge the gap.
We might develop some empathy for the other person and the struggles that they face.
We are more likely to build a positive relationship where we are able to influence.

Of course it is ideal when both parties adopt this mindset, but one needs to take the initiative. Be the change. Focus on your own behavior, not immediate results or change in the other person. Know that you are doing the right thing by doing your part. Find people who will hold you accountable and encourage you to persevere. Recognize and affirm changes you see in the other person. You will probably be surprised by the changes you see, either in yourself or in the other person.

Do you have a relationship that is struggling? What behaviors do you need to adopt to bridge the gap?