Relational – Page 2 – New Horizon Partners

Leaders Lean In to Negative Emotions

We all must face negative emotions from time to time. We might get into a discussion with someone who is angry about an organizational decision or we might find it necessary to mediate a heated disagreement between two team members. It’s also possible to find ourselves in a meeting with someone who is just having a bad day and wants everyone around them to experience it as well. While we might prefer positive emotions, negative emotions such as anger, sadness, jealousy, anxiety, etc., are a reality of life. We experience these emotions ourselves as well as interacting with those around us who have their own.

There is a natural human reaction to negative emotions in other people. Our limbic system, the part of our brain that is responsible for reflexes and emotional responses, senses negative emotions as danger. The brain’s automatic reaction to danger is to protect us by choosing one of three possible courses of action – flight, fight or freeze. This explains why, when facing negative emotions, one might instinctively find an excuse to escape the situation (the flight response) in order to avoid the emotion and any discussion of it. The fight response is the natural reaction to fire back in anger when confronted with negative emotions and commonly occurs when anger is the negative emotion being displayed. A fight reaction would typically result in an escalation of the negative emotion. If not reacting in either flight or fight, the third, less common reaction would be to simply freeze, unable to respond in any way.

Leadership is built on a relationship of trust and respect. While the three reactions described above are natural self-protection responses to the danger that our subconscious brain interprets, all three of them have a large potential to damage the relationships leaders have with those around them. Rather than building relationships, these reactions cut off relationships or fire back negative emotions that undermine trust and respect.

To effectively deal with negative emotions, a leader must learn to recognize these situations early and build the capacity to “lean in” to negative emotions. This requires building some character traits and competencies that will help during these interactions. Before we are able to lean in to negative emotions, we must learn to block our reflexive reactions. This requires, first, developing our emotional intelligence so that we are able to quickly and accurately recognize the emotions in others. (This is sometimes called the third domain of emotional intelligence. For more discussion on EQ, see the article from May 2017.) Once we are able to identify the negative emotions in others, the second skill that we need to develop and utilize is the ability to keep the limbic system from taking control and, instead, maintain control of our reaction through the thinking part of our brain, the pre-frontal cortex. This is a matter of developing the habit of analyzing and responding with thought in emotional discussions, rather than allowing our reflexes to take control.

Developing the ability to lean into negative emotions may also require some character development, as we need to value the people with whom we interact, value the relationship, and have the courage to face difficult discussions. If we value the people and the relationship, we will have a natural curiosity about what is happening within the other person. With the character traits in place that enable us to lean in, the next components are developing the communication skills to effectively enable us to explore and understand the emotions that we are facing and the story behind them.

The actual process of leaning in involves acknowledging the emotions, asking questions to gather an understanding, validating the emotions, and verifying our understanding. The leaning in conversation may start with a statement such as, “I can see that you are angry about the decision to ___; please tell me more about why this bothers you.” From there, you might ask some follow-on questions to deepen your understanding. Validate feelings through statements like, “I see that the impact of ___ might make you feel ___.”

Validation during the leaning-in conversation does not mean that we agree with the emotion or with the story that is in the other person’s mind. It is simply an expression of understanding. The leaning-in conversation should not be an effort to refute or reverse the negative emotions. An implication that the person is wrong for having these negative feelings is counterproductive or even destructive. Emotions are not wrong, they just are. The conversation to understand can help the other person to process those emotions. Defending ourselves or other people during this conversation is also counterproductive. There may be an opportunity to clarify facts during the discussion, but the focus of the conversation must be first and foremost, to understand the emotions and the story that lies behind them.

By leaning in to negative emotions, we as leaders demonstrate our humanity and our care for the other. This builds relationship. Gathering an understanding of what lies behind the emotions will help you as a leader to resolve any current issues or to be cognizant of potential issues in the future. In the process, the conversation is likely to diffuse some of the negative emotions, proving that leaning in pays off in many ways.

Are you able to lean in to negative emotions? What are the ways to grow in this ability?

(Note: This article, or one very similar, was originally published in a monthly leadership blog that I wrote for PolymerOhio Manufacturing Solutions.)

Effective Leaders Know Their Team Members

Building relationships is a skill possessed by effective leaders and it should be utilized first and foremost with the leader’s own team members. Trust and respect are not easily given away by most people, but they are the very relationship traits that must be earned by leaders and team members alike. Only once that relationship of mutual trust and respect has been earned will team members accept the influence of a leader. To achieve mutual trust and respect, both parties must know and be known by the other.

Knowing your team members is much more than recognizing a face or knowing a name. Knowing a person in the work setting means that you understand who they are, what motivates them, their strengths and weaknesses, and some of their personal story. The unfortunate reality is that often managers only learn this type of information through an exit interview. Only after it is too late, do we discover that we failed to motivate a person, or that we never recognized a skill or passion that some new employer will tap into, or that the team member had a personal struggle that conflicted with their ability to perform to our expectations.

In the day-to-day activities of an organization, a manager might not recognize the importance of knowing their team members and building relationships. They spend their time dealing with issues, schedules, meetings, staffing, production, reports, and other tasks that seem pressing. Or they simply haven’t recognized the importance of building relationships as a prerequisite for influence.

A true leader recognizes that you manage things, but you lead people. And you lead people by developing such relationships. One somewhat popular philosophy is MBWA—or “management by walking around”—in which a leader prioritizes the time to observe and interact. A part of MBWA is engaging in casual conversations with people in the organization to develop relationships and a knowledge of the team members. Some organizations have actually incorporated a “stay interview” into their management systems so that they do not wait for the exit interview to develop a knowledge of their team members. It seems that caring personally about the people in our organization should not require the creation of a bureaucratic system. It should be a part of normal human interaction.

The first step to getting to know your team members is to recognize the importance of it and place a priority on doing so. In a small business, the leader might build a knowing relationship with everyone in the organization. In larger organizations, the leader certainly wants to know well all of their direct reports and have a good knowledge of the people at the next level in the organization. Building this knowledge is best done through a series of casual conversations that might be a part of periodic one-on-one meetings or could be intentionally more casual.

In developing our knowledge of our team members through casual conversations, we might want to ask questions such as these examples:

What makes you excited about coming to work in the morning?
What do you enjoy most about your current work situation?
If you won the lottery, what would you miss the most about coming to work every day?
If you had a magic wand, what would you change about your current job?
What is bothering you most about your job these days?
What did you love about your last (or a previous) position that you are missing these days?
How would you describe an ideal boss?
What would make you most proud and how would you want to be recognized for achieving it?
What are the reasons that you might use to persuade a friend to come to work here? Or to not come to work here?
Outside of work, what makes you happiest or most proud?
What are you typically thinking about on your way to work? And on your way home?

These are just examples and the range of discussion can be broad. Throughout this conversation, a follow-up of “And why is that?” or “Tell me more” builds real depth and value. Obviously, for such a conversation to be effective requires that there is already a relationship of authenticity and trust between both parties. If you are reading questions from a form and writing verbatim responses, then your heart is not in it and it is probably a waste of time. There is also a fine line between developing an understanding of the person relative to the job and digging into personal information where a leader has no business. A leader can offer caring support for personal struggles but must guard against developing emotional attachments that are out of bounds.

The obvious benefit of knowing our team members is that we, as leaders, can help them be both more productive and more satisfied on the job. We can give the new project to the person who hungers for challenges and ask the person who loves the routine to manage the administrative or routine tasks. We can tailor our leadership style to be responsive to both those who desire more autonomy and those who are uncomfortable with the unknown. In the end, we all win through the building of authentic and trusting relationships.

How well do you know your team members? Could you predict some or most of the answers to the questions above?

(Note: This article, or one very similar, was originally published in a monthly leadership blog that I wrote for PolymerOhio Manufacturing Solutions.)

Press the Pause Button

Dealing with Negative Emotions Maturely

We are created with emotions for a purpose. At any point in time, there are a variety of emotions operating in the background. We might have joy about the development of our children, concern about our relationship with our spouse, fear about the meeting we must lead today, anger about something someone said yesterday, etc. All of these emotions can be active at the same time, if they are operating at a low level. When our body notices significant stimuli, one emotion might become prominent and might take control of our bodily reflexes.

Emotions are designed to provide us with three elements –

Arousal – emotions grab our attention and prompt us to take notice of things around us or within us that are impacting our lives.
Motivation – emotions prompt us to take action. In the case of positive emotions, we might be prompted to write a note, buy a gift, etc. In the case of what are termed negative emotions, such as anger or fear, we are designed to take immediate protective action.
Feelings – emotions add texture to our lives.

When we are confronted with significant negative emotions (so called because they sense danger, not because the emotion itself is negative), our bodies are designed to be self-protective. When the body (actually the limbic system of our brain) senses a threat, be it a flying projectile, a slip of a foot on ice, or a verbal threat, the limbic system takes control of our brain and our bodies. Heart rate increases, blood flows to our legs, muscles tense up, all intended to prepare for the fight or flight response. In order to concentrate energy and speed up response time, our thinking brain, the cortex, actually shuts down. If you have ever said or heard, “I was so angry, I couldn’t think straight,” that is entirely true.

If we are actually in a life-threatening situation, such as walking down a sidewalk when a vehicle careens out of control, or tripping on an uneven surface, we are thankful that our limbic system takes control because it is possible that our thinking brain could not have responded quickly enough to safeguard us. But there are other situations where this reflexive call to action can actually do us harm.

In the workplace or in any relationship, a similar process can happen when we hear angry words or someone makes a comment that we view as a threat to our authority or position. If there is an actual threat to our physical safety, we can be glad for the reflexive response. However, if we are simply facing a verbal confrontation, allowing the limbic system of our brain to take control and shut down our thinking process is likely to result in a heated exchange or in a statement that you regret later. Allowing our limbic system to control our response is likely to damage a relationship. As a leader, our goal is to build understanding and to build relationship. Therefore, when we encounter a discussion of high emotion, we need to intentionally quiet our reflexive limbic system and fully engage our thinking cortex system.

To keep our reflexive or reactive system quiet in an emotional discussion, we might train ourselves to respond in the following steps, intentionally forcing our thinking brain into gear:

Hear the words or observe the action clearly.
Ask yourself what sorts of emotions you are feeling because of this discussion. Before we can understand or manage our emotions, we must first name them.
Seek to understand the source of these emotions. Something about the comment may have brought up a subconscious memory from your family of origin or from some other prior life experience that resulted in high emotions, and you are being triggered.
Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself about what is happening in this discussion. Our brain is continually creating subconscious stories to make sense of the inputs it receives. Those stories are influenced by our mindset and past experiences. We frequently respond based on an assumption of the story without ever understanding the true story.
Once you understand the biases that you hold because of your emotional response and the story playing in your brain, you may be ready to engage in the conversation.
Seek clarification by asking questions like, “Tell me more.” Use the responsive listening techniques of reflecting, rephrasing, and reframing. Seek to understand both the words and the background, the story, for this discussion.
Provide a thoughtful response, even if it is only a statement such as, “I understand your concerns.” If we can truly understand, this willingness and desire to do so will go a long way towards building or maintaining a relationship.

While these seven steps sound complicated, we need to develop the habit of approaching an emotional discussion with such a process. In many such conversations, we need to do this process in a matter of seconds. Therefore, these steps need to be developed as a new reflex.

When we step into an emotional discussion, we are faced with a decision whether to react or respond. Reaction will typically damage a relationship. Responses will build the relationship. As a leader, we influence through a relationship or trust and respect. Our relationships are vital to our leadership and, in the heat of the moment, our response will set the course for our relationships.

Are you able to lean into difficult conversations? Do strong emotions frighten you or are you able to face them maturely?

React or Respond?

Two words that sound very similar describe how we might reply to things that people around us might say or do – we might react or we might respond. Yet there is a big difference between the two words, both in how we reply and the consequences of our reply. Consider the example of a doctor saying that our body is reacting to medication or responding to medication. The meaning is much different. When we find ourselves in a conversation or situation that raises the emotions, we need to be intentional in order to achieve positive results.

To react to comments or actions of those around us is generally a defensive or emotional reply. Sometimes a reaction is described as saying something “without even thinking about it.” This is because we don’t think about reactions. We hear or see something that trips an emotional trigger within us. In an emotional reaction our limbic system, that part of our brain responsible for protecting us and controlling our reflexive actions, jumps in and blurts out a reply. The limbic system is responsible for the flee, fight, or freeze reaction to perceived threats. If the limbic system of our brain senses anger, fear, humiliation, or other negative emotions in the comments or actions around us, even if not intended to be so, it springs into action and reacts.

Reacting tends to be a subconscious reflex. The impact of a reaction is often to escalate the emotional tone of a discussion. A reaction by one person prompts an emotional reaction from the other party.

To respond to comments or actions of those around us is to provide a more thoughtful reply. A response is the result of the brain taking control away from the limbic system and giving control to the prefrontal cortex, the cognitive or logical part of the brain. This move to thoughtfulness is intentional and is a result of developed emotional intelligence. In a response we take into account the emotion of the other party, we consider the intent, and we construct a more logical response. The words of a response might even be the same as a reaction but they are offered in a different context and without the negative emotion.

Responding is a conscious and deliberate action. In a response you are more likely to maintain your integrity, remaining true to who you are. The impact of a response is to draw the other party into the conversation and develop a more positive dialogue and outcome.

To respond rather than react, we could follow these seven APPLIED steps:

Awareness – Recognize the emotion that rises up within us. This requires exercising our emotional self-awareness to sense when our limbic system is taking control.

Pause – Interrupt the tendency to react without thinking by taking a deep breath or taking a few minutes.

Perceive – Intentionally engage the prefrontal cortex by thinking through the possible explanations of intent from the other person and alternatives for a constructive response.

Loosen up – When our limbic system jumps into react mode, it reflexively begins arming our body for confrontation. Energy flows, muscles tighten, fists clench. It is difficult to convince the other party that we want to have a civil conversation while our body is saying otherwise, so we may need to intentionally relax a bit.

Inquire – Seek clarification. One of the effective ways of engaging our cognitive brain is to ask questions and explore the situation with the other party. Rather than jumping to a conclusion, first gather more information.

Envision – Think with the future in mind. What is the outcome that best serves the long-term vision and goals of both parties? Structure a response that provides a benefit to both.

Dialogue – Rather than firing back a salvo of reaction, respond with a thoughtful comment to draw the other party into a dialogue. Seek to understand and be understood. For the other party, being understood meets a deeply human need and draws them into relationship, the opposite result from what a reaction would cause.

A response is more likely to produce a positive outcome while a reaction is more likely to cause a negative outcome. This strategy applies to our leadership but can also be applicable to marriage, dealing with our children, or any relationship. Train yourself to respond, rather than react.

How strong is your emotional self-awareness? Are you able to thoughtfully respond or do you often get sucked into reaction mode?

“The Soul of Shame” by Curt Thompson

“Shame is something we all experience at some level, more consciously for some than for others.” People tend to overlook or underestimate the presence or power of shame; in the process they fail to recognize the loss of a part of their potential. Shame shows up as that critical voice that invades the narrative of your life which is continually being re-written in the back of your mind. Shame strives to make you ineffective as a leader or whatever your endeavor. “The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe about Ourselves” by Curt Thompson, MD helps us understand the source of shame and how we can manage or quiet that critical voice. Different from many other books on the subject, Dr. Thompson weaves together neuroscience, psychology, and Biblical theology to provide a grass-roots understanding of shame, how it endeavors to defeat us, and the means to quiet or control that voice.

Shame is a word that makes many people uncomfortable but we know shame as the “critical voice”, the “internal judge”, the “saboteur”, or other names. Some people hear shame loudly and some hardly recognize that it is there. But everyone has occasion to hear that voice in the back of the mind that says “You are not enough.” It might say that you are not ____ (smart, hard-working, beautiful, sexy, caring, worthwhile, perfect, talented, lovable, etc.) enough or it might criticize you in some other way. Shame differs from guilt. Guilt says “I did something that was bad” while shame says “I am bad.” Shame can grow on the platform of guilt but it doesn’t really need any basis or root in reality. Shame not only colors our current perceptions but also our view of the past and our expectations of the future.

soul of shame

In “The Soul of Shame” the author explains how shame is a part of who we are as human beings. In doing so Dr. Thompson presents these four major additions to our understanding of shame:

Shame plays a part and provides some explanation of the redemption story described in Scripture.
As humans, we have a constant narrative in our minds about ourselves and the life around us which shame is constantly attempting to subvert.
While shame is often seen as an individual thing, individual shame affects the relational dynamics of groups such as church, community, and work.
In fact, groups also have a group narrative and there can be a group shame that attempts to defeat the group purpose.

In the introduction to the book, Dr. Thompson writes, “From the beginning it has been God’s purpose for this world to be one of emerging goodness, beauty, and joy. Evil has wielded shame as a primary weapon to see to it that that world never happens…….It is the emotional weapon that evil uses to (1) corrupt our relationships with God and each other, and (2) disintegrate any and all gifts of vocational vision and creativity.”

Humans are created for relationship. We have an innate desire to know and be known. In healthy relationships we are accepted just as we are and we can be vulnerable so that we become more fully known. Shame tells us that if we are known we will be found to be flawed and not enough, therefore we must hide our flawed self. Hence, shame attempts to isolate us, hiding us from the very need, vulnerable relationship, that can inoculate us against shame.

Dr. Thompson spends chapters two and three explaining the brain, the mind (a higher level concept of who we are), and the neuroscience behind shame. He references Daniel Siegel’s nine domains of the mind. To become a more complete and creation-designed person requires continual further integration of these nine domains. Shame, on the other hand, seeks to disintegrate these domains at the same time that it is disintegrating us from relationships. Throughout the rest of the book, Dr. Thompson refers back to what he terms IPNB, interpersonal neurobiology, and the functions of the brain. One of shame’s tactics is to short-circuit our effort to use our thinking brain, the prefrontal cortex, and instead keep the limbic system of the brain involved in flee, fight, or freeze modality.

In the book Dr. Thompson personifies shame by calling it the shame attendant, the voice that is whispering in our ear. He traces this voice back to the experience of Adam and Eve, who had a perfect relationship with their Creator yet felt that they were not enough. As a result they went from “naked and unashamed” to finding their fig leaves, hiding in the garden, and blaming each other and the Creator for their decisions. Later in the book the author spends time explaining how Jesus, by taking on a human body, experiences and conquers shame (especially the time of temptation in the wilderness), and completes the redemption story by hanging “naked and unashamed” on the cross. Throughout the book there are enlightening discussions of Scripture as it relates to relationships and shame.

Shame is both ubiquitous and shape-shifting. As we go through a day there is a subconscious narrative that takes place in our minds. We are often trying to make sense of what is going on inside of us and of what is going on around us. These narratives have different paths and purposes and there can be multiple paths overlapping. It might be as simple as “I wonder if that police officer is clocking me?” to trying to understand how we are being perceived by our spouse in our actions and words. Shame is looking for opportunities to subvert these narratives to undermine our relationships and integration. Shame can find its fertile ground most anywhere. It can twist words and imagine intent from people near or far in relationship to us. “Shame, as it turns out, lives in the smallest of details, the commonest of life’s moments, and that is exactly where it wants to remain.” Shame wants not to be known and, in so doing, wants us not to be known. In that way we remain less than the integrated, creative beings that we were made to be. Shame interrupts or disturbs our relationships both with those around us and with God.

“We will not be rid of shame this side of the new heaven and earth; rather, we grow in our awareness of shame in order to scorn it.” We cannot fully defeat shame but we can turn the table on shame, shaming it instead by knowing it and making it known. We do this in large part by taking the bold step of finding or developing healthy relationships of vulnerability where we can be known and accepted for who we are. We were created with a need for vulnerable relationships and a part of that need is to expose and shame shame. Other elements of quieting the voice of shame include developing our understanding and awareness of shame and contrasting it with what we were created to be.

Throughout the book Dr. Thompson provides helpful case studies where the presenting problem seemed clear but the causal roots were actually found in underlying or hidden shame. He explains Scripture with the story of shame and he explains the story of shame with Scripture. He demonstrates how ubiquitous shame can be and provides guidance for finding it and guarding against it in our family relationships, in our churches, communities, and workplaces, in all the places where shame might seek to defeat us or those around us.

This is a great book and I highly recommend it. For another, more extensive review of this book, see Leslie Vernick’s summary. Also, for more on the subject of shame, see the books by Brené Brown.

Is shame, by whatever name you call it, isolating you and hijacking your effectiveness?

I Am the Problem

When working with married couples who are struggling or just want to grow in their relationship, we often encourage them to adopt the mindset of “In this relationship I am the biggest problem.” This is not an attitude of self-condemnation. And it is not saying that the other person is without any faults. It is rather the realistic acceptance that we are responsible for our own thoughts and behaviors. We are not likely to be successful when our goal is changing the other person.

relationship leadership Ken Vaughan

In leadership situations where we have relational struggles, the same mindset is also appropriate. Leadership is influence and influence is only achieved through positive relationships. So what should be our response when we wish to lead someone with whom we have some conflict or someone who might be obstinate or have some social skill challenges?

If our focus is on trying to change the other person, some outcomes might be as follows:

We might be so focused on the other person’s issues that we fail to see our own faults. (Everyone has some weaknesses.)
We might appear arrogant, driving the other person away.
We might fail to recognize or understand what is bothering the other person.
We might not recognize our own contributions to the conflict or lack of communication.
There might be some resentment developed in the other person.
We might drive a further wedge or build a higher wall in the relationship with our attitude.

On the other hand, if we adopt the mindset that “I am the problem in this relationship” we will search for ways to bridge the gap and heal or grow the relationship. Even if we are convinced that the other person has a relational problem, we should look for the ways that we can grow as an individual or that we can adapt to work with the other person. With this mindset we might see outcomes as follows:

If we’re focusing on our part we are probably growing in some way.
We might show vulnerability that we are human and have weaknesses, making ourselves approachable.
We might see things from the other person’s perspective.
We might show humility thus inviting others into relationship.
We might discover some solutions that actually work to bridge the gap.
We might develop some empathy for the other person and the struggles that they face.
We are more likely to build a positive relationship where we are able to influence.

Of course it is ideal when both parties adopt this mindset, but one needs to take the initiative. Be the change. Focus on your own behavior, not immediate results or change in the other person. Know that you are doing the right thing by doing your part. Find people who will hold you accountable and encourage you to persevere. Recognize and affirm changes you see in the other person. You will probably be surprised by the changes you see, either in yourself or in the other person.

Do you have a relationship that is struggling? What behaviors do you need to adopt to bridge the gap?

“Crucial Conversations” by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzer

If you work or live with or near other people you probably have occasions when crucial conversations need to take place. A crucial conversation is defined as a discussion between two or more people where stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong. These conversations, if handled well, can deepen a relationship. If handled poorly, they can damage a relationship. The difficulty is that, since these conversations are full of emotion, they can easily spiral out of control. Or the fear of them spiraling out of control can prevent them from ever happening, even though they are often necessary for resolving an issue or building a relationship.

crucial-conversations

“Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzer is a popular book on communication in challenging circumstances. The authors point out that there are three choices when we face crucial conversations:

We can avoid them.
We can face them and handle them poorly.
We can face them and handle them well.

Too often the result is one of the first two outcomes, not because that is our choice but because people often don’t have the tools to handle these conversations well. The book presents a process for achieving a positive outcome based on research that the authors conducted, examining the practices of people who were able to handle crucial conversation extremely well.

The book begins with an explanation of why crucial conversations can easily spiral out of control. When stakes are high and emotions begin to rise, there are natural responses built into our bodies. Adrenaline rises, blood flow is altered, muscles tense, etc. These are all part of the natural fight or flight responses that are built into our physical system as a matter of survival. These responses begin when we face tense situations, often beginning even before we realize that the situation could present challenges.

In order to understand the recommended process for handling crucial conversations, we need a little background in neuroscience. There are two major areas of brain activity relevant for our discussion. The prefrontal cortex is the area where we store and process facts and information, identifying relationships between facts, and developing logical conclusions. The other major part of the brain is the limbic system which is composed of various brain structures where various reflexive or reactive brain activities take place. The fight or flight response and other emotional responses come from the limbic system.

The tools defined in this book, “Crucial Conversations”, are all focused on engaging the prefrontal cortex and keeping the limbic system quiet during such a conversation. By keeping the conversation logical and safe for all parties, the parties can more clearly communicate. If we stray into a highly emotional discussion, the limbic system can highjack the conversation and prevent the logical input that we would desire from the prefrontal cortex. The book outlines seven steps to a positive crucial conversation, as follows, all aimed at keeping the conversation in the prefrontal cortex and out of the limbic system:

Start with Heart – This step is aimed at understanding the desires of the various participants by asking, “What do I really want for myself, for others, for the relationship?” The other component here is refuting what the authors call the Fool’s Choice of thinking that the only choices are silence or an emotional discussion with a bad outcome, by identifying what would be the best outcome.
Learn to Look – This step is focused on maintaining safety for all involved so that we keep the conversation in the prefrontal cortex and away from the limbic system. The participants watch for signs of stress in themselves and others and bring all parties back to safety rather than moving toward fight or flight or what the book calls silence or violence.
Make It Safe – This step provides tools for bringing the dialogue back to safety including apologize, contrast to explain, and getting back to the mutual purpose.
Master My Stories – Part of the reason that crucial conversations go bad is that people imagine stories behind others’ actions. This step asks what might be a logical explanation rather than inferring the worst.
State My Path – Using a concept of path to action, this step Shares facts, Tells story, Asks for others’ paths, Talks tentatively, and Encourages testing.
Explore Others’ Paths – Using some strong communication tools, this step seeks to understand the others’ view. The book uses Ask to seek out, Mirror emotions to show safety, Paraphrase to show understanding, and Prime to get the information flowing. Then to build common ground use Agree, Build, and Compare.
Move to Action – The last step is designed to ensure that the issue is settled by defining a decision process and timeline.

“Crucial Conversations” presents a process that can be used in the workplace (with superiors, co-workers, or subordinates), in family relationships, or in any other circumstances that fit the definition of a dialogue where stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong. Rather than let an emotional dialogue damage a relationship, we can learn to conduct a crucial conversation in a way that produces a positive outcome. I thought this book was quite good and would give it a 9 out of 10.

Dealing with Discouragement

The natural response when we encounter someone that is facing discouragement is often to double down. It is a human tendency to back away from negative emotions. When we interact with discouragement, there are two common responses: the cheerleader or the fixer.

emotional-intelligence-leadership

The cheerleader says something like “You shouldn’t be discouraged. It’s not that bad.” And the discouraged person is now also discouraged by the feeling that their discouragement is a sign of weakness.
The fixer says something like “Have you tried……?” And the discouraged person is now also discouraged by the feeling that it should be easy to recover from their discouragement.

Why do we back away from negative feelings? First, there is a neuroscience explanation. The limbic system in our brain responds to negative feelings by telling us that we should flee, fight, or freeze because negative feelings could indicate danger. Add to this the fact that many people are raised in an environment where they are told “Don’t feel sad, don’t feel angry, don’t feel any negative emotion.” We learn to either run from or hide from negative emotions.

Negative emotions, while not as enjoyable, are as natural as positive emotions. All of us have occasions when we experience negative emotions. As a leader we need to learn to lean into negative emotions rather than flee from them. By doing so we can help our constituents deal with these negative emotions in an effective way. To deal with discouragement or disappointment, we first need to validate that those feelings are real and rational. People must effectively process the negative emotion before they are able to move on to recovery.

If someone has failed, had a loss, or just feels that they are not where they had hoped to be, we can often help them best by accepting or validating those feelings. We do that best by accepting their discouragement or allowing them to vent. We can also validate their feelings by identifying with them, relating a short story of our own similar discouragement. Another way to validate is to express empathy, to feel discouragement along with them. (For a helpful explanation of empathy and how it differs from sympathy, see Brené Brown’s video.) Often the best course when we encounter someone that is discouraged or disappointed is to simply ask “What do you need from me?” If they are looking for a cheerleader or a fixer, we can go there. If they are still processing their negative emotions, we may be able to help them do so more effectively by validating them. Sharing our feelings with others is an effective way of processing them.

And the same should hold true for us as leaders. When we have our own disappointments or discouragement, we should ask the safe people around us for the validation that we need to deal effectively with our own negative emotions. “I’m feeling discouraged by ____ and here is what I really need right now.”

Are you able to lean into negative emotions? What are you doing to develop this capacity?