Communication – Page 4 – New Horizon Partners

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Dealing with Negative Emotions Maturely

We are created with emotions for a purpose. At any point in time, there are a variety of emotions operating in the background. We might have joy about the development of our children, concern about our relationship with our spouse, fear about the meeting we must lead today, anger about something someone said yesterday, etc. All of these emotions can be active at the same time, if they are operating at a low level. When our body notices significant stimuli, one emotion might become prominent and might take control of our bodily reflexes.

Emotions are designed to provide us with three elements –

Arousal – emotions grab our attention and prompt us to take notice of things around us or within us that are impacting our lives.
Motivation – emotions prompt us to take action. In the case of positive emotions, we might be prompted to write a note, buy a gift, etc. In the case of what are termed negative emotions, such as anger or fear, we are designed to take immediate protective action.
Feelings – emotions add texture to our lives.

When we are confronted with significant negative emotions (so called because they sense danger, not because the emotion itself is negative), our bodies are designed to be self-protective. When the body (actually the limbic system of our brain) senses a threat, be it a flying projectile, a slip of a foot on ice, or a verbal threat, the limbic system takes control of our brain and our bodies. Heart rate increases, blood flows to our legs, muscles tense up, all intended to prepare for the fight or flight response. In order to concentrate energy and speed up response time, our thinking brain, the cortex, actually shuts down. If you have ever said or heard, “I was so angry, I couldn’t think straight,” that is entirely true.

If we are actually in a life-threatening situation, such as walking down a sidewalk when a vehicle careens out of control, or tripping on an uneven surface, we are thankful that our limbic system takes control because it is possible that our thinking brain could not have responded quickly enough to safeguard us. But there are other situations where this reflexive call to action can actually do us harm.

In the workplace or in any relationship, a similar process can happen when we hear angry words or someone makes a comment that we view as a threat to our authority or position. If there is an actual threat to our physical safety, we can be glad for the reflexive response. However, if we are simply facing a verbal confrontation, allowing the limbic system of our brain to take control and shut down our thinking process is likely to result in a heated exchange or in a statement that you regret later. Allowing our limbic system to control our response is likely to damage a relationship. As a leader, our goal is to build understanding and to build relationship. Therefore, when we encounter a discussion of high emotion, we need to intentionally quiet our reflexive limbic system and fully engage our thinking cortex system.

To keep our reflexive or reactive system quiet in an emotional discussion, we might train ourselves to respond in the following steps, intentionally forcing our thinking brain into gear:

Hear the words or observe the action clearly.
Ask yourself what sorts of emotions you are feeling because of this discussion. Before we can understand or manage our emotions, we must first name them.
Seek to understand the source of these emotions. Something about the comment may have brought up a subconscious memory from your family of origin or from some other prior life experience that resulted in high emotions, and you are being triggered.
Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself about what is happening in this discussion. Our brain is continually creating subconscious stories to make sense of the inputs it receives. Those stories are influenced by our mindset and past experiences. We frequently respond based on an assumption of the story without ever understanding the true story.
Once you understand the biases that you hold because of your emotional response and the story playing in your brain, you may be ready to engage in the conversation.
Seek clarification by asking questions like, “Tell me more.” Use the responsive listening techniques of reflecting, rephrasing, and reframing. Seek to understand both the words and the background, the story, for this discussion.
Provide a thoughtful response, even if it is only a statement such as, “I understand your concerns.” If we can truly understand, this willingness and desire to do so will go a long way towards building or maintaining a relationship.

While these seven steps sound complicated, we need to develop the habit of approaching an emotional discussion with such a process. In many such conversations, we need to do this process in a matter of seconds. Therefore, these steps need to be developed as a new reflex.

When we step into an emotional discussion, we are faced with a decision whether to react or respond. Reaction will typically damage a relationship. Responses will build the relationship. As a leader, we influence through a relationship or trust and respect. Our relationships are vital to our leadership and, in the heat of the moment, our response will set the course for our relationships.

Are you able to lean into difficult conversations? Do strong emotions frighten you or are you able to face them maturely?

Feedback for the Boss

A leader has the responsibility to provide frequent feedback to each of their team members. Feedback identifies specific behavior or action and asks for more of, less of, or a continuation of the same behavior or action. When we, as a leader, observe an action or behavior by a team member, a discussion about the behavior and its impact guides future behavior. Feedback is an effective way to guide and shape behavior to align with the organization’s vision and goals.

But what should we do when we observe the behavior of our boss and feel it could be beneficial to offer feedback to him or her? Is it appropriate to provide feedback to a boss? When and how should upward feedback be provided?

There are instances when it is ill-advised to provide upward feedback. Although an effective leader always welcomes appropriate feedback, no matter what the source, there are some bosses that lack the character to accept feedback, especially from someone lower in the organizational hierarchy. These sorts of people either will not hear upward feedback or will meet it with some form of retribution. There are also organizations in which the corporate culture discourages lower-level team members from providing input up the chain. In either of these cases, offering upward feedback could be career threatening.

In most organizations and with most bosses, upward feedback could be acceptable, or even welcomed, if it is done well. Providing feedback to the boss has a different form than the three steps of feedback for peers or team members, but it does follow some of the ten tips for any feedback. Below are a few guidelines specifically for providing effective upward feedback:

Build upon relationship. Hopefully a comfortable relationship of open communication has already been established. If the boss is a good leader, he or she will have established this relationship and the two of you know each other fairly well and have frequent conversations. When this relationship is established, there is not a gulf between the two of you and the feedback conversation does not feel completely uncomfortable or out of character.
Ask for permission. When offering feedback upward, it is best received when not adversarial or perceived as an attack. You may have received or perceived an open invitation to conversation. Even in such case, it may be best to ask for permission with a question such as, “Could I mention something about ….?” Often it is beneficial to schedule the meeting at a future time with a comment such as, “Could we meet tomorrow afternoon to discuss how we will be working together on this project?”
Operate from a position of positive support. In an upward feedback discussion, make it clear that you are for and not against the boss. The tone of the conversation must demonstrate that you are interested in the success of the boss and that the feedback is intended for his or her benefit, not as a criticism or an effort to usurp.
Speak from your own perspective. Again, “you” messages often sound adversarial while “I” messages can be less so. Therefore, upward feedback is different from standard feedback in that we want to identify behaviors based on their impact on either you as an individual or on the team as a whole. As an example, “I feel most invested and creative in projects when I have greater autonomy. I appreciate your feedback and input, but I wonder if you would be open to setting a schedule to periodically review my progress together.”

If done poorly, upward feedback can feel combative or adversarial and damage the relationship with the boss. Done well, upward feedback can position someone as a valuable resource and trusted advisor of their boss. It holds the potential of improving your relationship and working situation.

Are you able to provide effective upward feedback? Are you able to receive it gracefully?

Lead With Clarity

One of the important skills of leadership is our ability to communicate. Whether it be written, verbal, or through our actions, it is our communication that guides team members, draws them into the pursuit of vision and goals, and unites them into a cohesive team. A key to effective communication is clarity, the ability to communicate in such a way that our thoughts and intent is clearly presented and clearly understood by recipients.

To achieve clarity in communications sometimes requires the development of our communication skills, especially focusing on the four C’s of clarity – communication that is centered, consistent, comprehensive, and compassionate:

Clarity results from Centered communication – Our communication must be centered or focused on the highest priorities and driven by certain objectives. Our goal in communication as a leader is to set direction and priorities, to move the organization towards accomplishing goals that define success of the organization, to unify the organization in achieving these goals and moving towards the vision, to refine the way that the organization functions, etc.

Among the great mistakes of communication is providing too much or unfocused communication. In providing too much communication, the important messages can become lost. Our communication can begin to sound like Charlie Brown’s parents – “Wah, wah, wah.”

If we feel the need to instruct team members on every minute detail, we might be perceived as a control freak. Control freaks demotivate team members through their belittling practices. Most people prefer the ability to think for themselves and to make choices within the scope of their job responsibilities as they work.

Of course, there is room for our humanity in communications. In fact, it is a necessary element to demonstrate our authenticity and vulnerability from time to time. But especially with larger audiences, clarity in communication comes with focus.

Clarity results from Consistent communication – There are two elements to consistency in communication. The first is the consistency of the message. Our view of vision, goals, and priorities cannot change with the wind. A leader who sets a new direction every month, week, or day simply frustrates team members. They lose confidence in such leadership and cannot be expected to expend effort on a course that will be dropped or altered tomorrow. Therefore, the message communicated must be consistent over time or an explanation for the change in course should be provided to keep the organization on board.

The second element of consistency is the practice of communication on a consistent basis. When the organization is left in the dark without direction, it will develop its own direction. As a leader, we have the responsibility to set or build consensus on direction and then to continually reinforce that message to keep the organization on course.

Clarity results from Comprehensive communication – Half of a message can be as useless as no message at all. When a leader is communicating key messages to the organization, he/she needs to communicate based on the recipients’ perspectives. Of course, we, as the leader, know the background for a decision, we are aware of the risks and unknowns, we have some ideas of the impact on the organization. But the audience is often unaware of these things. Our communication should speak from the audience’s perspective, answering the questions that are likely to arise in the minds of those that are reading, listening, or observing. Communication that lays a solid foundation for the actions of the organization is well thought out and clearly presented.

Clarity results from Compassion in our communication – When emotions enter the picture, recipients hear, read, or observe from a perspective that is heavily influenced by those emotions. In order to hear our message clearly, we must understand and address any relevant emotions as a part of our message. To do so requires that we, as leaders, know our audience and are able to perceive the impact of our communications on a personal level. Once we are able to do so, we can address the emotional impact in a compassionate yet forthright manner as a part of our message.

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Effective leadership relies on effective communication. We move the organization toward its vision and goals through our communication. Therefore, we cannot communicate in a haphazard manner. Our message is understood and accepted when it is presented with clarity. If you find that your communication efforts are sometimes ineffective and lacking in clarity, perhaps developing some of these skills or even doing some work on the underlying character traits might be helpful.

Does your team experience clarity in your communications with them? How are you building clarity?

Fear of Conflict

As a leader, it is often necessary to lean into conflict. This conflict might be based on some disagreement that someone has with us or it might be a conflict between two team members.

There is great value in having divergent views and seeking truth and full information. In this effort a team might have heated discussions and disagreements. When this discussion is focused on tasks and information, it is helpful and valuable to the organization. However, when the discussion becomes personal and filled with animosity, it becomes negative conflict. This negative conflict becomes a problem for the organization because it produces the following results:

Strained relationships and personal animosity
Tense atmosphere in the team
Waste of energy
Break down of communication
Reduction in the exchange of ideas and information
Diminished trust and support
Eroded commitment to the team and organization
Decreased productivity and increased turnover

Because of the detrimental effects, an effective leader needs to prevent, resolve, diffuse, or guide the conflict into a positive outcome. This requires that a leader have both the desire and the ability to lean into the conflict.

Unfortunately, many people are unable to lean in because they have a fear of conflict. This fear of conflict can show up in a variety of forms. One reaction to conflict is to up the ante, to overpower the conflict. Another type of reaction is to submit, to attempt to placate or play nice. The most common reaction is withdrawal, to hide from or ignore conflict.

Years ago, I had a first-hand view of weak leadership in the face of conflict. The company’s executive staff was rife with conflict that frequently broke out in staff meetings. The reaction of the company president in the face of conflict was to push away from the table, fold his arms across his chest, and smirk as the conflict rolled on. Reading the body language gave some ideas of the president’s views of conflict.

This fear of conflict often rises out of past experiences. Most often the roots go back to family of origin issues in which conflict was a tool of control that became something to be feared. In many families we seldom saw healthy relationships and did not learn the skills of emotional intelligence. Conflict was allowed to become personal at great cost to those involved. Therefore we may have learned to run from conflict.

The ability to lean into conflict requires authentic emotional intelligence in all four dimensions. A person must be fully aware of their own emotions as they step into conflict, able to manage well their own emotions, aware of the emotions of others, and skilled at managing relationships. With a base of strong emotional intelligence, a leader can lean into conflict using something like the following steps:

Recognize the debilitating nature of personal conflict on the organization.
Adopt a mindset that the cost of leaning into conflict is less than the cost of letting it continue, i.e., become willing to risk moving in.
Confront conflict in an emotionally-healthy manner. Provide feedback that points out the negative impact and the consequences that future conflict will produce.
Lead discussions of resolution and relationship building.
Model healthy discussion of information and debate of facts without allowing personal conflict, demonstrating respect for all persons.

To get to the position where one is able to implement this plan may first require some introspection and self-awareness to understand his/her mindset regarding conflict and the roots of that mindset. The next necessary level of self-awareness is an understanding of strengths and weaknesses in emotional intelligence. From there, a development plan may be necessary to build the skills and ability to lean into conflict. The most important step is to begin to practice leaning into conflict and then continue building comfort and competency at doing so.

Are you a carrier or a resolver of personal conflict? Are you able to lean into conflict and help others build healthy relationships?

Feedback Is Always Positive

Oh, don’t misunderstand the title of this article. Feedback is sometimes affirmational and sometimes corrective. Feedback identifies specific actions or behaviors and then asks (or directs) the recipient to provide either more of, less of, or the same amount of such action or behavior in the future. Sometimes we are providing a positive reaction or affirmation to a team member’s action or behavior and sometimes we are providing a negative reaction to the action or behavior. Sometimes our feedback says, “Yes, keep it up!” and sometimes it says, “Cut it out!”, all within the guidelines for providing effective feedback, of course.

But, as leaders, we prefer that the process of providing feedback always be a positive experience, whether it be affirmational feedback or corrective feedback. There are two primary motivations for providing feedback. One purpose of feedback is to guide the actions and behaviors of team members to align with organizational vision, values, and goals. A second purpose of feedback is to develop team members in both character and competency, as a means of building both the person’s future and the organization’s future. It is this second purpose especially that guides all feedback to be a positive experience.

Effective leaders develop a strong relationship with their team members in which it is clear that the leader has the best interests of the team member at heart. While we want to achieve the organization’s current objectives and we value the current contributions towards those objectives, we never lose sight of the value of the person and their longer-term potential. This vision for the person is not constrained within our organization but is viewed through the lens of what is best for this person.

This view or desire to play a role in the positive development of each team member becomes then the context in which we provide feedback. Of course, we want our team to work well together. Of course, we want the organization to accomplish its objectives. But, if we truly value the people that we lead, their personal development and ultimate success is viewed as equally, if not greater, in importance.

When a leader is guided by his/her value of people and desire for their development and success, this becomes a foundation for a strong relationship of mutual trust and respect. In such a relationship, the frequent communication that takes place continually reflects this desire. Feedback is just a part of this positive relationship and its ongoing communication. Naturally, affirmational feedback has a positive feel. But even when it necessary to say, “That behavior does not serve the team well and it does not serve you well”, such corrective feedback can and should be both given and received as a part of an effective leader’s desire and practice of developing a person. While we may be pointing out actions or behaviors that should not be repeated, we are doing so out of a desire to help the team member grow or move in a direction that will benefit them personally in the future. If we have done our job of expressing our belief in the person and desire for their development, all feedback should be viewed as positive, in other words, in the best interest of both the feedback provider and the recipient.

Are you developing the kind of relationship that produces feedback that always feels positive?

Leaders Speak Last

In a team setting, leaders should generally wait to speak last.

A boss might feel the need to speak first, as a statement of his/her power and position. Or they might be a control freak, afraid to not have everything go their way. In a weak team, the team might consistently defer to the leader, looking for direction and guidance from above.

The danger of speaking early in a discussion is the potential to stifle input from team members. Unless there is a strong culture of openness and equality, team members might refrain from offering additional valuable input or simply acquiesce to the leader’s opinions. Without a range of input, the team runs the risk of making suboptimal decisions, not fully informed by the combined knowledge of the team members.

An effective leader, on the other hand, is committed to building the team and each of the members of the team and to making the best decisions. An effective leader recognizes the value of speaking last, with these advantages:

By waiting to speak last, the leader is intentional about gaining input from each member of the team. He/she recognizes the value of diverse perspectives and seeks truth and openness. This requires an investment of time and sometimes requires drawing out the thoughts of quieter team members.
By waiting to speak last, the team members can discuss, debate, and draw out additional input from team members. The leader’s thoughts can too often be viewed as the final word, ending the discussion.
By waiting to speak last, the team can weigh various facts or opinions, beginning its own movement towards consensus.
By waiting to speak last, a leader has the opportunity to assess team members, especially their thought patterns, decision-making skills, and powers of persuasion.
By waiting to speak last, a leader has the opportunity to identify developmental needs of team members.
By waiting to speak last, the leader can focus his/her efforts on moving the team towards consensus in which they all feel a part.

The leader always has the right to overrule the team consensus, however, doing so on a frequent basis is likely to make the team members feel that seeking their input was merely perfunctory and that the leader is prone to ramrodding their own agenda. On the other hand, the team discussion may draw out information that can change the leader’s view from a preconceived notion.

An effective team has a sense of equality and connection. They value each other and their knowledge and opinions. By following the practice of the leader speaking last, the team can build a culture of openness.

How effective is your team? Are you getting the maximum benefit from all the team members?

The Value of Feedback

Feedback, from an engineering perspective, is the process in which part of the output of a system is returned to its input in order to regulate its further output. In the workplace, the term ‘feedback’ is used to describe the helpful information about prior action or behavior from an individual, communicated to another individual (or a group) who can use that information to adjust and improve current and future actions and behaviors.

As a leader, we need to cultivate the habit of providing frequent feedback to those around us. Some people fail to provide feedback because of a fear of stepping into what might be negative emotions. Others neglect providing feedback because of the time required to do so, even though a feedback conversation can often be accomplished in just a couple of minutes. Those that fail to provide adequate feedback fail to see the value, not recognizing that feedback is an investment in the future that provides a great return on the investment.

Here are a few of the reasons that feedback is important:

Builds communications – Providing consistent feedback builds a habit of comfortable, candid conversations. When we build that relationship with people, it makes it easy for both parties to present and hear the truth. This eliminates the potential for surprises or hidden information in the future.

Demonstrates value and respect – The investment of time and effort into providing frequent feedback demonstrates that you as a leader care about the other person and that you are committed to their growth and success.

Communicates vision, goals, and expectations – The feedback process of pointing out actions and behaviors and the results produced, either positive results or undesirable results, provides an opportunity to clarify and communicate specifically the organization’s expectations. The feedback discussion can tie expectations to organizational vision and goals.

Leads to better decisions – Consistent feedback leads to better decisions on both sides of the relationship. Providing feedback provides guidance and development for the individual in decision-making. It also provides insights for the leader, both into the person and into the process.

Provides feeling of belonging and engagement – When a person receives individual feedback, the risk of perceiving oneself as simply a cog in the machinery of the organization is eliminated. The person develops an appreciation for their contribution to the mission of the firm.

Continuous learning and development – Leaders should be building talent for the future. Studies show that one of the important elements for employee satisfaction is the availability of career development opportunities. Feedback is one way to provide guidance for growth.

“The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” – William James

Motivates people – Of course, people like to hear that their efforts are valued or appreciated. Perhaps surprisingly, studies show that people crave corrective feedback even more than positive feedback. The important conclusion is that feedback is highly desired and is a great motivator.

Improves performance – This almost goes without saying. A consistent flow of feedback identifies the actions and behaviors that produce positive results and identifies the opportunities for correction or improvement. Feedback guides future behavior towards positive results.

Develops acceptance of leadership – Leaders that do a good job of providing feedback are perceived to be more effective leaders. Therefore, the leader/follower relationship is stronger when consistent and effective feedback is provided.

Promotes innovation and change – Providing feedback promotes the exchange of ideas and energizes people. This atmosphere leads to creativity and innovation.

For each of these, you can easily imagine the opposite where there is a failure to engage and provide feedback. The result is poor communication, lack of motivation and engagement, and an organization stuck in a quagmire of the past.

Instead, with a culture of consistent and effective feedback, the organization experiences increased satisfaction, higher retention, a stronger team, higher productivity, and a positive future. Benefits accrue to the giver of feedback, the receiver of feedback, and to the organization.

Want to know more about giving feedback? See the ten tips for giving feedback or check out the whole series of articles on effective feedback.)

Are you giving your team members enough feedback? Is it effective or how could you improve?