Communication – Page 3 – New Horizon Partners

“The Coaching Habit” by Michael Bungay Stanier

The book, The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead by Michael Bungay Stanier, is a toolbox for coaching individuals. The book is written for managers or leaders of organizations, but it has applicability to those in the coaching profession and to people that simply desire to incorporate coaching principles into any of their relationships.

The premise of the book is stated within the first few chapters:

Coaching is simple.
You can coach someone in ten minutes or less.
Coaching should be a daily, informal act, not an occasional, formal “It’s Coaching Time” event.
You can build a coaching habit, but only if you understand and use the proven mechanics of building and embedding new habits.

The book is built around a suggested framework for a coaching conversation that includes seven questions, including the bookends of a starting (kickstart) question and a wrap-up or summary (learning) question.

Seven Essential Coaching Questions:

The Kickstart Question: “What’s on your mind?”
The AWE Question: “And what else?”
The Focus Question: “What’s the real challenge here for you?”
The Foundation Question: “What do you want?”
The Lazy Question: “How can I help?”
The Strategic Question: “If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?”
The Learning Question: “What was most useful to you?”

For each of these questions, the author provides some rationale and some advice on application. Also, interspersed with these questions are tips on effective communication in the coaching process and a process for building these questions into habits. In the introductory chapters and throughout the book, the author speaks about the human tendency to be quick to offer advice, so the habit-building exercises are intended to break our advice-giving tendencies and replace them with the habit of asking powerful questions.

The last paragraph in the book might be the most important as the author summarizes and urges us on:

“But the real secret sauce here is building a habit of curiosity. The change of behavior that’s going to serve you most powerfully is simply this: a little less advice, a little more curiosity. Find your own questions, find your own voice. And above all, build your own coaching habit.”

A coaching habit can be of great benefit in building strong relationships and helping those around us to grow. But the prerequisite is to have or to build in ourselves the necessary positive character traits such as humility, curiosity, and respect for others.

The book is an easy read with lots of good content. Recommended reading for anyone that desires to have a positive impact on other people in their lives. One caution that I would voice is that, while the author offers alternative wording for each, the seven questions can seem too much of a script for a coaching conversation. Coaching works best when it is a relaxed conversation within a caring relationship. Therefore, each person needs to take the concepts of The Coaching Habit and make it a part of their own coaching conversations.

Persuade or Convince?

In reference to the great debate between Patrick Henry and James Madison in the Virginia convention considering ratification of the newly written Constitution of the United States in 1788, John Marshall, a member of the convention and later a chief justice of the Supreme Court, stated, “If I were called upon to say who of all men I have known had the greatest power to convince, I should perhaps say Mr. Madison; while Mr. Henry had without doubt the greatest power to persuade.”

While some dictionaries show a second definition that cross-references persuade and convince, the most precise definitions for the two similar words are that persuade is to win over with rhetoric and convince is to win over with facts or evidence. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines persuade as “to move by argument, entreaty, or expostulation to a belief, position, or course of action.” Dictionary.com defines convince as “to move by argument or evidence to belief, agreement, consent, or a course of action.” The big difference being entreaty and expostulation versus evidence. In the case of Patrick Henry, he was known as a great speaker who could go on for hours extemporaneously presenting a persuasive argument. John Madison, on the other hand, known as the father of the Constitution, was always prepared with more facts than anyone else could even imagine. He was ready to convince.

For a leader, communication skills are very important. The ability to persuade and/or convince team members to adopt or align with a vision and to collaborate on achieving it is a key part of leadership. Convincing based on facts or evidence is certainly preferable. There are circumstances in which facts are not available and persuasion is necessary. However, there is a danger in relying solely on persuasion. This is especially true in the case where a leader is prone to lean on persuasion, either as a form of manipulation or in the face of contrary facts. In such a case, the danger of damaged trust and respect can result in a loss of the leadership relationship, since true leadership is built upon these two character traits, trust and respect.

In your communications, do you rely on persuading or convincing of others? Do you most often rely on rhetoric or facts? Do you respond best to persuading or convincing?

Lead by Coaching

One of the primary responsibilities of a leader is to guide and encourage the growth and development of the team that they lead and the team members. An effective skill for developing people is coaching.

ICF, the International Coaching Federation, defines coaching as “partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.” Tony Stoltzfus, in his book, Leadership Coaching, defines coaching as “practicing the disciplines of believing in people in order to empower them to change.” A simple description of the coaching process is that of using powerful questions to draw out of an individual their beliefs, values, and inner thoughts and goals and their motivation and path to grow or change. Through the coaching process we, as leaders, help individuals to identify and commit to the path or future that they most desire. Allowing or facilitating the person to think deeply and define their own path to growth and development provides much more ownership and commitment than they might show to someone else’s guidance.

The coaching process, using powerful questions to draw out inner thoughts, can be useful in many areas of leadership. It is certainly appropriate in defining goals and action plans for personal growth. An individual is much more likely to be committed to a plan that they have developed. Coaching can be an effective part of the feedback process. The recipient of feedback is more likely to internalize the impact of their actions or behavior when they have played a major role in identifying the impact and defining expectations for the future. The project planning process draws greater commitment when the individual plays an active role in defining the process as opposed to simply receiving an assignment.

These powerful coaching questions can have many different purposes, including the following:

Draw out new perspectives, ideas, or solutions from team members.
Aid a team member in developing self-awareness.
Help a team member to more fully explore or develop a thought or potential course of action.
Probe for or ensure buy-in or commitment to an action plan.

On a higher level, the coaching process is useful in building relationship. A communication process built upon questions demonstrates the value and respect that the leader has for the team member. The ability to think deeply and openly share those thoughts builds trust and respect on the part of the team member. This relationship of trust and respect is foundational for leadership.

How often do you ask questions relative to give direction or instruction? Are your questions powerful and empowering or disrespectful and manipulative?

One of the Biggest Obstacles to Genuine Communication

A frequent roadblock to effective communication is the phrase, “I already know that.” A recent article on the Idea Champions’ website speaks at length about the danger of using this phrase. This often occurs when someone begins a conversation and the recipient decides to cut it off quickly, subverting any communication and denigrating the other person through the statement, “I already know that.”

The article cites five common reasons for people cutting off a conversation with the comment “I already know that.”

Impatience
Limiting assumptions
Concern about where the conversation might be heading
Self-righteousness
The listener does not trust or respect the speaker

The article suggests that the listener most often does not know the whole story. As a matter of respect for the speaker and out of an interest in understanding them, we owe it to the speaker to listen and even to pursue the conversation. To do so, the author suggests these two steps:

Pause, take a breath, and become present
In a gracious way, let the speaker know that you do understand what they are about to say – then give him or her a chance to express themselves more fully, citing several ways of doing so.

The article is a good read on communications, especially if you have ever caught yourself saying “I already know that” to a team member, co-worker, or spouse.

Leading by Listening – Part 2

Listening builds strong relationships. In the first part of this article, we focused on the importance of listening in team settings. Teams are more effective when the leader facilitates group discussions in which the entire team is working together to build a strong, shared knowledge base. In this second part, our focus is on the importance of listening in building interpersonal relationships, one-on-one listening.

Effective leadership is built upon a relationship of mutual trust and respect. Leadership is a gift given by followers only upon the development of this relationship of trust and respect. Listening is one of the most important tools in building such relationships; it is one of the best ways to demonstrate respect for the other.

In our busy lives, it is too easy to rush from one task to another and from one meeting to another, without spending the time to know and understand the people around you. When we rush past the people around us, be it team members, coworkers, or our spouse, we give the impression, perhaps only subconsciously, that they are not important enough to be heard or understood. (That might even be built on a character flaw of a lack of humility or respect for those around us.) On the other hand, if we truly desire to build or grow in relationship, we must develop our understanding of the other person. This includes an understanding of such things as what is important in their lives, where are their struggles, how do they think, how satisfied are they with themselves or their situation, etc. We can develop this understanding only through conversation, with an emphasis on listening to their hearts. This is a deeper listening than simply hearing their words but requires perceiving or drawing out their thoughts and emotions.

Even on a day-to-day basis, drawing out input from individuals on suggestions, conditions, and so forth, even just a “hey, how are you doing?” conversation, provides a feeling of inclusion and being valued. Such conversations build relationship and job satisfaction.

The basic ingredient in these efforts to build relationship is listening. This listening requires the following ingredients:

Investing the time. It does take time to stop and have a meaningful conversation with the people around us but, if it is considered an investment, it will pay back with interest over time.
Demonstrating a sincere interest. This interest is driven by positive character traits such as recognizing the value of each individual and considering relationship and the development of people as highly important.
Listening to understand. Effective listening requires the development of specific skills in which we seek to explore and discover the deeper meanings behind the thoughts and words of the other.

Do you consider listening to others to be of importance? What skills or tools have you developed, or do you need to develop, to do so effectively?

See another article on a similar subject, “Be Quick to Listen.”

Leading by Listening – Part 1

Listening builds more effective teams. Listening is a key skill of leadership and the best leaders learn to listen well.

Two of the presidents of the USA, that many consider the best, are great examples of leading by listening. George Washington, during the time that he served as commanding general of the Continental Army during the American Revolution, consistently called together his staff and leading generals, to consider the strategic moves of the army. Only after hearing from all of those around the room would Washington express his opinion and guide the group to a decision. When he became the first president of the United States, Washington continued this practice with his cabinet, drawing out their collective input on policies and decisions that he needed to make.

Abraham Lincoln serves as another great example of leading by listening. Upon his election as the 16^thpresident of the United States, Lincoln asked his major political rivals to serve on his cabinet. Thus, he was able to hear and consider a wide range of opinions and benefit from the wisdom of some of the best thinkers of his time. (For more about Lincoln and his cabinet, see Doris Kearns Goodwin’s excellent book, “Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln.”)

Too often we see people in leadership positions (not necessarily fitting the definition of being a leader), who believe that they are in that position because of their intelligence or their ability to force their will on those around them. Rather than become a leader, these people become a dictator or a “know-it-all.” Rather than building their team, they cripple their team. When the leader’s voice is the only one that matters, the team can simply defer to whatever the leader says or become a group of “yes men.”

Leading by listening can be described as the practice of always seeking the input of those around us in every important discussion or decision. Leading by listening requires that the leader draw out the thoughts of those around them. Leading by listening is not just a matter of hearing but often requires active listening skills to draw out deeper thoughts.

The benefits of leading by listening are many, including the following:

Better information – Leading by listening provides better information. One of the goals of most teams is to combine the intelligence of the group and draw out and meld together the knowledge of each team member. By doing so, the team is more likely to define truth in the area of interest. The habit of listening makes it standard practice to seek every bit of information that can benefit the group’s discussion.

Better perspectives – Leading by listening can reduce bias and provide a well-rounded understanding of any given issue. For example, a team member with a financial background might provide information from a cost/benefit perspective while a team member with a HR background might think in terms of the impact on people. The practice of listening reduces the risk of decisions that aren’t well thought out.

Better buy-in – Leading by listening means that each team member has at least had a voice in the discussion. If the discussion is handled skillfully, each team member has an opportunity to contribute and can, at least, see the logic behind a decision, even when that decision is not in line with their choice. Having participated in the discussion provides a higher likelihood of buy-in, even when one has argued for a different path.

Better collaboration – Leading by listening draws the team together, providing greater unity and increasing the collaboration within the team. When the team has had the opportunity to fully participate in the discussion and decision-making, they are more likely to support the decision through the people and resources available to each of them. Of course, this collaboration and support is also dependent upon the culture of the organization.

Better development of people – Leading by listening provides opportunities for team members to develop and present information and to participate in the decision-making process. These opportunities lead to the development of valuable skills and growth for these team members, opening opportunities for advancement and further development in the future.

Better relationships – Leading by listening provides opportunities for engaging and developing understanding of the people around us, thus leading to relationship growth. More on this in Part 2 of this article, in which we focus on listening in one-on-one exchanges.

Leading by listening does not make decision-making a democratic process where the majority rules. In the end, the results of any decision are the responsibility of the leader, so the leader must have the final say in making the decision. At times the wisdom and experience of the leader might lead to a decision counter to the majority of the team or against much of the evidence presented in the discussion. The effective leader is able to make such a decision and to explain the rationale behind it in light of the group discussion. But leading by listening results in better decisions and a more effective team.

As a leader, how much effort do you put in to listening to your team? Is your team in the habit of deferring to you or waiting to “see which way the wind blows” before they speak?

See other similar articles such as “Leaders Speak Last” or “The Smartest Person in the Room?”

The Focus of Feedback

The purpose of feedback is to identify specific actions or behaviors on the part of a person or group in order to encourage more of or less of that action or behavior in the future so that we might mold future actions or behaviors toward a vision or goal for the future of that person or group. In other articles we have discussed the importance of feedback and described what feedback looks like. In this article we will describe the specifics of those actions and behaviors that should be the focus of feedback.

A simple “thank you” or “nice job” can have great value, but if that is where you stop, then you have missed the opportunity to shape the future. People appreciate affirmation; they might appreciate challenges. But general statements, while generating some emotion, don’t have much impact on future performance. Feedback, to be effective, needs to identify specific action or behaviors. We might identify specific actions or behaviors to be repeated or discontinued or we might identify these specifics as examples of the sorts of actions or behaviors that we want continued or corrected. Either way, pointing out specifics clicks a switch, so to speak, in the recipient’s brain, as opposed to a general statement that tends to float in and out.

We often say, “Feedback is best served warm”, meaning that the more immediately it is provided, the better it is recognized and internalized. For example, identifying the specifics of a particular presentation as the meeting ends or as you walk out the door with the presenter has much more value than feedback a day, week, or month later. Again, it is a matter of what sticks in the brain. Immediate feedback can easily be recognized and linked with the action or behavior in the mind of the recipient rather than searching the mind for a recollection of that specific thing.

Feedback that identifies specific action or behaviors with clarity can provide great benefit, but only when we also identify the impact. This impact might be positive or negative. It is best if the impact includes both your personal reaction and the link to a larger vision or goal, either an organizational vision or a vision for the feedback recipient.

Now, finally, to the focus of the feedback. As we talk about feedback, we continually refer to specific action and behaviors. The best way to demonstrate the focus of feedback is to provide some examples, including some poor examples and some better examples. Here I will focus on making it specific, with the assumption that in actual practice the identification of the specific action or behavior is the first part of a sentence or a discussion that goes on to describe personal impact and organizational impact as well as expectations for the future (see Three Steps to Effective Feedback for more on the content of the process).

Not poor feedback but rather better feedback by being specific.

Not “nice presentation” but rather “the logical flow of your slides” or “the way that you laid out the last three slides” or “the confidence in your voice” or “the stories that you told that captured our attention”, etc.

Not “your presentation left a lot to be desired” but rather “the ‘hmm’s’ and ‘ugh’s’ as you speak make you sound unsure” or “slides 3 and 5 had too much info to digest” or “it seemed like you steamrolled over Tom’s questions”, etc.

Not “nice job” but rather “I saw the way that you were careful in packing that customer’s purchase” or “thanks for spotting that out of spec part and stopping production” or “your production is up by 25%”, etc.

Not “you have a bad attitude” but rather “I noticed that you spoke to Mary in a demeaning and disrespectful way” or “I noticed you rolled your eyes when I spoke to you” or “you seem to be angry lately”, etc.

Not “you have a good attitude” but rather “I appreciated that you were the first to volunteer to stay late” or “I saw the way that you encouraged the rest of the team” or “the way that you engaged with that customer brought a smile to their face”, etc.

The more specific that we are in feedback, the better the recipient will understand the actions or behaviors that we are hoping to encourage or discourage. Specificity also makes it obvious that we are noticing and that the feedback is sincere. Therefore, our feedback will be more effective, assuming that it includes the other two steps of identifying the impact and setting expectations.

How effective is your feedback? Are you noticing and identifying specific actions and behaviors?

Caution: Be Sure Brain Is in Gear Before Engaging Mouth

One of the most common causes of failures in communication is allowing our mouths to take action prior to our brain having its say. This happens most often in highly emotional interactions but can happen in any conversation if we are too casual in speaking.

That old saying of “look before you leap” has its parallel, “think before you speak” in conversations.

The all-too-common scenario in emotionally-charged conversations goes like this: We are approached by someone with a complaint or criticism, who makes an angry or derisive statement. The limbic system of our brain, the portion responsible for reflexes, wants to charge ahead in protective mode, by making a reaction in a similar or greater level of anger. The reaction is likely to simply be a verbal counterattack on the other person. A reflexive reaction is not likely to be a thoughtful response to the issue presented but, rather, a personal attack or a defensive counter argument.

Even without the high emotions, our conversations can cause damage. Think of some possible scenarios of commenting without giving it much thought:

As someone finishes a crash project requiring several hours of hard work, we mention that there would have been a much simpler and better solution.
Someone seems distracted in a meeting, so we point out that we need everyone’s attention, without remembering that the person is facing a crisis in an extended family situation.
During a conversation with several participants contributing thoughts, we, as the leader, suddenly blurt out, “Here’s what we’ll do.”

“We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.” – Winston Churchill

It is important to think before we speak because our words can have various effects. We want to manage our words for maximum positive effect. Here are just of the few ways that words can affect others and our relationship with them:

Words can energize or demotivate.
Words can draw people in or push them away.
Words can open up thoughts or shut them down.
Words can heal or harm.
Words can invite gentleness or harshness.
Words can build or tear down.
Words can inspire, encourage, comfort, edify, soothe, teach, instruct, guide, admonish, explain, provide insight, pass on wisdom, etc. Words can also tear down, destroy, diminish, minimize, criticize, demean, abuse, intimidate, accuse, blame, defame, etc.

Think before you speak. There are three questions that are useful in guiding our thought process and shaping the words that we speak.

Is it true? While most of us do not intentionally tell lies, we can often catch ourselves saying things that are not fully factual. Asking this question should weed out rumors, gossip, exaggeration of facts to satisfy our ego, opinions about people, etc. It also forces the question about authenticity in our communication, are we speaking from who we truly are?

Is it necessary? Asking this question, forces us to examine the value added through the words we are about to speak. This screens out complaining, whining, negative comments, and insults. (See articles on effective feedback for tips on providing suggestions or expectations regarding needed improvement.) The comment under consideration may also be necessary but not for the given time, place, or audience.

Is it kind? Do the words that you are about to say convey respect, compassion, empathy, and graciousness to the audience? Even in communicating reproof or correction, the phrasing and tone that we use can convey compassion. This question should stop us short of making comments intended to hurt or belittle, even in a highly emotional discussion.

Only when we have thought through these questions should we speak or respond. With continual practice, these questions can become a pattern of communication. With such a pattern, we can reinforce rather than damage a relationship of trust and respect that is vital to effective leadership.

Do you make it a habit to speak wisely and graciously to those around you? Are your words based on thought to produce positive effect?

Here are some previous articles on similar topics:

“React or Respond” speaks about the difference between a quick emotional reaction and a thoughtful, gracious response.
“Press the Pause Button” speaks about hearing, understanding, and responding in discussions.
“Leaders Speak Last” is a caution about allowing the powerful voice of a leader to drown out the voices of the team members.

First Step for Feedback: Notice

Providing feedback is an important part of leadership. Feedback aligns the actions and behaviors of team members with the vision for the organization. Team members long for feedback. Affirmation and appreciation are good but people welcome corrective feedback when it is presented well. People want to know how they are doing.

Feedback is more than a leadership skill; it is a life skill. Feedback is an important part of any relationship. Feedback is an especially important tool for parenting.

We should be providing feedback many times each day to all of the people with whom we interact. But here is the first problem: we are in such a hurry, moving from one project to another, running from one meeting to another, or just focused on all of the things that we need or want to accomplish, that we do not take the time to notice the actions or behaviors around us. There are constantly actions or behaviors happening right in front of us, but we are moving on to the next thing. So often we are too busy to notice the actions and behaviors that are taking place around us. We don’t take the time to notice and give feedback.

Another human weakness is the general behavior of not noticing all of the things going right; only when things go wrong (and often only when badly wrong) do we pay attention.

Take a moment to think about some of the many recent things that deserved feedback, but none was given. Maybe you just came from a meeting where someone gave a great presentation. Did you give some feedback that identified the best specific parts of the presentation? Or maybe the presentation lacked something. Did you identify the shortfalls, so that the presenter can do better next time? How many reports did you read today or this week? Did you provide some specific feedback to the authors? As you walk around the organization you see people doing work, some well and some not so well. How many times have you given them feedback? Are you noticing what is happening in your organization?

Let’s think now about feedback outside of work. How often do we see parents who only complain about or criticize the behavior of their children? Often it is not even what we would call feedback, but just general criticism. How much better would the parent – child relationship be if the parent gave feedback, both for the things done well and for the specific actions and behaviors that they wish to see improved. But they aren’t noticing much of the behavior.

Personally, one of the things that I try to do is to provide feedback or express my appreciation to those attendants or custodians who keep the roadside rest stops clean. I appreciate clean restrooms and there seem to be two alternatives for keeping them clean. One is to clean them myself (a task that I would certainly not prefer), the other is to encourage those attendants to continue doing the job well. So I make it a point to notice and express my appreciation for cleanliness in order to encourage him or her to keep it going.

As mentioned earlier, people crave feedback. They want to know how their performance is perceived. They want to know that they are valued, and they want to grow and improve. Feedback guides actions and behaviors towards a longer-term vision. Perhaps most importantly, feedback, when done well, can build the relationship of trust and respect that is the foundation of leadership.

Providing effective feedback is more than a quick “Great job” or “Keep it up.” Feedback involves identifying specific action or behaviors, describing the impact both to you personally and to the organization or at a higher level, and set the expectations for the future in terms of more of, less of, or keep it up. See the articles “Three Steps of Effective Feedback” and “Ten Tips for Effective Feedback” to learn more about giving feedback that makes a difference and builds your relationships.

But the first thing we must do is to open our eyes and to build the habit of noticing.

Do you have the habit of noticing, both of the positive and the negative? How many times have you given effective feedback today?

The Smartest Person in the Room?

As a leader, if you are the smartest person in the room, you need to find some smarter people.

It’s true that intelligence is important for effective leadership. It is helpful in making good decisions. It is helpful in building strong, positive relationships. It is helpful in identifying the right questions to ask. But does the leader need to be the smartest person in the room? Even if he or she is, they are best off if they don’t always show it.

Constantly being the smartest person in the room robs your team of effectiveness. There are three common scenarios for trap of the leader as the font of knowledge:

One common driver of knowledge from on high is expediency. A leader might feel that discussion or seeking input from others is simply a waste of valuable time. “Why not just get to the bottom line and move on?” Therefore, the leader is quick to offer his/her opinion.

A second common scenario is based on volume. If the leader tends to continually have the loudest (literally or figuratively) or most important voice in the room, then other voices deem themselves to be unimportant and are therefore mute. If there is only one voice that has importance, then it must be the smartest voice in the room.

A third scenario is the leader that is driven by ego. To admit that other voices might have greater knowledge or even any relative value would be an affront to the ego-driven self-importance. Therefore, this leader must only value his/her own voice. In fact, this sort of person often belittles other voices in the room to soothe his/her own ego.

There are lots of reasons why any of these scenarios are damaging to the organization. Here are just a few:

Not valuing the knowledge of others will drive away capable and intelligent people. The organization is then left with less capability in its people.
Even if they don’t leave, overpowering the voice of people leaves them disengaged and dissatisfied. Therefore, people will be less productive.
We should all be seeking to learn and grow. One of the ways to do so is to consistently seek to share in the knowledge of others.
There is knowledge and wisdom in the group. By sharing, discussing, even debating ideas, the team is likely to find greater or better answers than even the smartest person in the room could provide on their own.
By encouraging discussion and by valuing equally all members of the team, the cohesiveness of the team grows. The strength of the team leads to unity and collaboration, resulting in higher performance of the overall organization.
Effective leadership is built on a relationship of trust and respect. One of the character traits that leads to this relationship is humility. Obviously, the leader who only values his/her own intelligence is not demonstrating the humility required to effectively lead.

Research has shown that the most effective leaders tend to be above average in intelligence but not extremely so. Perhaps this is because those extreme eggheads often have a difficult time relating to others. They too quickly fall into the traps described above.

The lesson for leaders here is not so much a matter of knowledge or intelligence. Rather, the lesson is about character and relationships. Effective leaders value and respect others; they demonstrate this respect in the humility that guides their interactions. Effective leaders want to grow themselves but have an even greater desire to help others to grow and develop. Therefore, the best leaders draw out the knowledge of others and make it a point to not consistently appear as the smartest person in the room.

Is your intelligence a strength or a weakness in your leadership? Do you strive to be the smartest person in the room or are you comfortable drawing out the knowledge of those around you?