Character – Page 3 – New Horizon Partners

“The Power of Vulnerability” by Kaplan and Manchester

Many organizations do not achieve their true potential because they leave much of their power on the table. Organizations often have a culture that prevents people from bringing their full potential to the organization. While an organization could make changes to its strategy, its processes, its structure, or the members of management, one of the most straight-forward changes that can be made to grow in effectiveness is a change in culture.

This is the big idea in the book “The Power of Vulnerability” by Barry Kaplan and Jeffrey Manchester. The book describes the culture of many organizations that makes it unsafe to be authentic in corporate interactions. Since there is not safety in the relationships amongst the leadership team, people spend energy posturing and politicking. They do not feel the connection and freedom in which they can present and explore all of their best ideas. Instead, the members of what should be the leadership team are isolated, attempting to manage their own functional silos, hiding their internal struggles from the rest of the organization and squeezing the most they can from their individual responsibilities.

In fact, it is hard to refer to the top management group in such an organization as a team. They more resemble a functional workgroup, cooperating only to a minimal extent and only when forced. A leadership team should be highly related and reliant upon each other. This book is replete with case studies of organizations that came to the authors’ coaching practice with a fractured team and the process used to build them into a cohesive team.

“As opposed to a functional workgroup, a team is engaged and connected at every level – emotionally, physically, spiritually, and professionally.”

The first step in moving from a group of isolated managers into a team of leaders is to establish a relationship of safety and connection between all of the team members. With such a relationship, the team members can then grow in authenticity, able to share and explore with the team all of their ideas, along with personal struggles and emotions. This relationship also allows team members the setting to quickly short-circuit any interpersonal misunderstandings or struggles that should arise.

“The height of a team’s performance compared to its potential is directly related to the depth of connection among its members.”

The book presents some functional tools for building connection in the team, for effective meetings in a culture of safety and connection, and for interpersonal relationships. By no means is this development of a safe and connected culture an easy process. Rather it takes great effort to first turn around the culture and then a great deal of intentionality to maintain and continually grow this culture over time.

As with any cultural change, the leadership team must first buy in and practice the new culture. Over time this culture, with some encouragement, can grow throughout the organization.

“When the team ‘plays it safe,’ it avoids challenges and misses opportunities. Yet, when the team ‘INpowers’ itself to ‘safely play,’ the team’s authentic communications inspire emergence of enormous capacity.”

The concepts presented in this book are fundamentally about developing a highly effective corporate organization based on the idea of being fully present, fully connected, and fully authentic. Of course, these concepts are the key building blocks for any close relationship, including marriage, parenting, or close friendships. Anyone interested in developing deeper relationship will find it helpful.

Because this book outlines many of the same concepts that I emphasize in my coaching and consulting work, I naturally enjoyed it greatly. It is not a particularly easy read because of the style. It also is clearly written with the idea of gaining coaching clients, as it stops short of presenting the tools that the authors use to develop cultural change. Still I recommend this book.

Get Real!

Authenticity brings the real person.

Authenticity is defined by the Cambridge Dictionary as “the quality of being real or true.” It is also frequently defined as being genuine or worthy of belief. Of course, the opposite of being authentic is to be inauthentic, which would be false, fake, or untrue.

Authenticity is one of the most important character traits of an effective leader. Without authenticity there is a chasm between the ingenuine leader and the reality of the lives around him/her. Our ability to lead effectively is built upon a relationship of trust and respect. But the gap that results from the lack of authenticity makes it impossible to build this relationship. On the other hand, authenticity in the leader draws followers into relationship, establishing the foundation for influence and motivation.

While authenticity may be one of the most important character traits of leadership, it is also one of the most easily compromised character traits. Developing a strong level of authenticity is challenging. There are two general reasons that leaders struggle to incorporate authenticity into their character.

The first hurdle is a cultural bias against authenticity. We grow up being told to “grow up”, to “be strong”, not to show emotions, to “never let them see you sweat”, etc. We develop the perception that a leader must be a superhero, never making a mistake, never feeling pressure, always upbeat and charging forward. Being genuine is devalued in our culture, while success, achievement, and avoiding criticism are highly prized. Then, when we are in a position of leadership, we subconsciously try to play this role.

The second reason that leaders struggle with authenticity is fear. Because of fear people develop self-limiting beliefs. Their subconscious self tells them not to say something because they might be judged and found unacceptable or less than what they should be. Or they fear the perceived embarrassment of a potential failure or mistake. Because of these self-limiting beliefs, people bring less than their real selves to their leadership relationship.

What are the elements of authenticity in leadership? What does authenticity look like in practice?

Self-awareness and self-acceptance – a prerequisite for being real is first knowing what is real. Authenticity requires that the leader know themselves well and are comfortable with who they are and who they are not. This doesn’t mean that they aren’t seeking growth and change within (leaders are learners and continually seek personal growth), but it means that they don’t feel the need to hide who they are and their strengths and weaknesses.

Integrity – leaders with authenticity are very clear about their values and their thoughts and actions are consistent with their values. People around them can recognize the leader’s values by their actions. The leader with authenticity has a consistency in their actions and decsions because they are all based on clear, positive values.

Emotional awareness – a part of authenticity is emotional intelligence, especially emotional awareness and the ability to manage emotions appropriately. Leaders with authenticity do not feel the need to always hide their emotions, rather they are able to recognize and appropriately share them with those that they lead.

Thoughtful and caring – in the other half of emotional intelligence, leaders with high authenticity are strong in their awareness of the emotions of others and their ability to be appropriately empathetic. As part of this, he/she is able to listen well to others, even when there is strong emotion or disagreement.

Accepting, admitting, and learning from mistakes – an important part of being real, is understanding that we are not perfect. A leader with authenticity is always ready to admit his/her mistakes and even to take responsibility for the mistakes and failures of the team that he/she leads.

Truth and transparency – authenticity is truth. This means that the leader with authenticity is ready to speak truth and present facts and opinions without fear. The self-limiting beliefs are overcome with the ability to vulnerably speak truth.

How do we develop this high level of authenticity? Building character traits like authenticity is not like building a skill. Building character is a matter of changing on the inside. It requires understanding the current state, the desired state, the gap to be bridged, and then building practices into our lives that transform the way that we think and act to the desired state.

Without a high level of authenticity, a leader does not bring his/her real power to leadership. The fear or inability to fully bring our truth and reality leaves us separated from those we lead. Authenticity is a requirement for a strong leadership relationship.

How authentic are you? What are your challenges to becoming more authentic?

The Best Bosses Are Humble Bosses

“After decades of screening potential leaders for charm and charisma, some employers are realizing they’ve been missing one of the most important traits of all: humility.” Thus begins an article by Sue Shellenbarger in an article written for The Wall Street Journal in October 2018. She goes on to say, “Humility is a core quality of leaders who inspire close teamwork, rapid learning and high performance in their teams.”

The entire article is worth a read but here are some key points:

The article cites research supporting the headline and anecdotal reports of companies that now are making the demonstration of humility a key factor in hiring or promotion decisions for leaders. Companies are using personality profiles and the interview process to judge the level of humility in candidates.

Companies with CEOs that demonstrate a high level of humility are said to develop management teams that work more effectively with each other. In general humility in leadership results in lower employee turnover and absenteeism, due to the relationships that are established.

Teams are more effective because of the relationships established. However, leaders with high humility often fly beneath the radar because they are quick to step back and give the credit to the team members. Humble leaders also are not afraid to ask for help and listen to feedback from others. They set an example that causes subordinates to do the same.

Traditional thinking often was that leaders should be charismatic, attention-seeking and persuasive. Instead, those that grab the spotlight can demotivate those around them. As the workplace increasingly moves to team-based work, the advantage of humility in leadership becomes more obvious.

See some of our articles on humility such as Humility and Leadership, Be a Better Leader by Avoiding the Arrogance Trap, and an article that describes the difference between Humility, Confidence, and Arrogance.

Gremlins

Since I am writing this on the morning of Halloween, I thought it appropriate to think about gremlins. Not the gremlins that are children dressed in costumes or the gremlins that are decorations in the neighbors’ yards. The gremlins that we are going to address here are our inner gremlins, often called saboteurs, judges, or the judging or defeating voice. A more proper name is our critical inner voice or, more simply, either the inner critic or the critical voice.

The critical voice is that subconscious voice that causes self-doubt and undermines self-confidence. It can produce feelings of shame, deficiency, low self-esteem, and depression. At the most inopportune times it whispers things like “you’re not good enough”, “you’re lazy”, “people don’t like you” or other such messages. Actually, when we hear the critical voice it usually speaks in the first person, as if you are telling yourself “I’m not good enough.” Most people have a critical voice that tells them these demeaning and defeating thoughts. Some people barely or infrequently hear their critical voice. For these people, the critical voice causes some stress and uneasiness. For other people, the critical voice is loud and incessant. When the critical voice seriously interferes with a healthy life, professional help may be required.

In his book, The Soul of Shame, author Dr. Curt Thompson labels the critical voice as shame. He attributes it to evil that is seeking to defeat us, attempting to keep us from becoming who we were created to be and accomplishing what we are called to accomplish.

While we may all hear our own critical voice, the origin of the voice is unique for each individual. Most often the critical voice is the result of internalizing a message that we heard repeatedly or in a stressful situation somewhere in our past. Perhaps the most common source is a message that we picked up in our family of origin from either parents or siblings. It might also have originated with a former boss or a person with whom we were in relationship.

The critical voice frequently shows up in stressful situations or perhaps it is the cause of the stress. For example, you are ready to walk into a meeting to give an important presentation and the critical voice says “I am never good enough. The board won’t accept my proposal.” Or you are on your way to a social gathering and the critical voice says “I am so shy. I am always embarrassed in these sorts of gatherings.” The result is an extra dose of stress in our life or perhaps even worse. Maybe it keeps us from pursuing that job opportunity or building relationships.

If your critical voice is causing stress or limiting your effectiveness, how do you overcome it? There are lots of suggested means of overcoming the effect of a critical voice. Most of them involve either quieting or embracing the inner voice. Here are some steps that are frequently helpful in quieting the critical voice:

Recognize that the critical voice is a universal issue. You are not the only person that struggles against it.
Understand what the voice is saying and its origin. When do you hear it and what is the message that it delivers? Where did that message first come into your life?
Understand the truth or the lie that is in the critical voice. There may be a kernel of truth but, by definition, the critical voice is telling you a lie about yourself. Dig into the message and identify the lie.
Understand the real truth about yourself that counters the message of the critical voice. This is an exercise in self-awareness. Once you understand the critical voice’s message, you can explore the reality of how you have been gifted, the education and experience you possess, the many instances in which you have proven the critical voice wrong, etc. Gather the evidence and know the message of truth about yourself.
Understand when you typically hear the critical voice and watch for it. By its nature, the critical voice is a barely recognizable whisper that shows up in specific settings. By becoming aware of those times when it shows up, you can be prepared to identify and conquer it.
Watch for the critical voice and be ready to correct or over-ride it with the truth. By identifying the critical voice as a lie and presenting the truth to yourself, over time you can quiet it and reduce the impact that it has in your life.

We all have a gremlin or critical voice that can keep us from achieving our full potential. If we recognize the voice and quiet it, the critical voice loses its power over us.

What does your gremlin or critical voice tell you? How loud is it and what are you doing to quiet it?

Tell Me More About….

Stepping Into Negative Emotions

As a leader, what do you do when you meet with someone who is in a negative or heightened emotional state, perhaps either very angry or sad to the point of tears. A heightened emotional state in another person, frequently causes a heightened reaction, be it either the fight or flight reaction. We might react to an angry person with an angry reply ourselves, the fight mode. Or we might react by avoiding the person or dismissing the emotions that they are feeling, the flight mode. A better response from a strong, emotionally-mature leader is to step into the emotion.

While not easy, responding by stepping into the emotion tends to make the other person feel accepted and understood. This often diffuses the emotion and brings them back into a more rational thought process in which the underlying issue can then be discussed.

From a simple neuroscience point of view, every person has a window of tolerance, a range of emotions in which they are able to feel emotions while still thinking and functioning well. Within the window of tolerance, a person can feel and express anger, for example, without being controlled by that anger. Outside of the window of tolerance, there are two zones. In the hyper-aroused zone, emotions become so strong that our thinking brain shuts down and our emotional brain takes full control. What we say and do in this state is completely driven by our emotions. There is also a hypo-aroused zone in which a person basically shuts down because the body is unable to deal with the trauma or emotions.

When we encounter someone in a heightened emotional state, they are often operating outside of their window of tolerance or in a hyper-aroused state. Therefore, they may be speaking from emotions only. If we fall into the trap of reacting and replying in a highly emotional manner, we run the risk of conducting a dialogue in which neither person is using their thinking brain but only their emotional brain.

Stepping into a discussion with a person operating in a heightened state of emotions requires that we accept, contain, explore the emotions. One of the methods to do so is to respond with exploratory questions, such as, “I see that you are very angry. Can I ask what is causing this anger?” In such a discussion, one of the great coaching questions to draw out the emotion is “Tell me more about….” By drawing out the anger, you essentially contain some of it without internalizing it. Once the person has had the opportunity to share and feel understood, they are most frequently able to move back into their window of tolerance. They likely still feel some anger, but at a level in which they are able to effectively use their thinking brain. Once the emotion is diffused, it can be time to explore the underlying causes of the emotion.

How does one develop this ability to step into emotions? The most difficult part for most people is developing a sense of comfort with and acceptance of negative emotions. From an early age we are often taught that negative emotions are wrong, weak, or unacceptable. Before a person can step into negative emotions they must first be convinced that they are natural and acceptable. Here are some steps to grow in our ability to step into negative emotions:

Self-awareness – Develop an understanding of your own emotions including your mindset about them and your ability to recognize and identify your own emotions. Recognize your own emotional triggers.
Expand your own window of tolerance – As we gain increasing levels of emotional maturity, our own window of tolerance expands. We are able to function with a broader range of emotions and are more comfortable with them.
Develop a coaching mindset – A coaching mindset seeks to understand and to draw out from another person their own understanding. A coaching mindset loves to ask probing questions in a positive, professional relationship.
Grow your ability to recognize emotions in others – As one of the domains of emotional intelligence, before you can step into emotions in others you must first be aware and able to recognize them.
Practice stepping in – Understanding your own emotions and growing more emotionally mature are big steps, but it can still be scary to step into someone else’s negative emotions. The only way to grow comfortable doing so is to resolve to develop that capability. Then step in whenever you see the opportunity. And “tell me more about how scary that felt to step into someone’s negative emotions.”

The ability to step into heightened or negative emotions is a part of emotional intelligence and is an essential part of effective leadership. By doing so, a leader can help team members to be more effective at work and in life. Stepping in with a healthy response builds a relationship whereas reacting in fight or flight tears down relationships. This ability to step in is important for every type of relationship.

Are you able to step into negative or heightened emotions? What is your next step to improving this ability?

Keep the Change!

The best leaders continually seek to grow in order to become even more effective. They seek new skills and they seek to build their character so that tomorrow’s version is better than today’s.

As a part of growth comes change. In delving into our self-awareness, we often find traits that do not serve us well and need to be improved or replaced. These traits might be anything in our character or personality or in the way that we function. Some common examples might be a fear of conflict, a tendency towards self-criticism, some weakness in listening skills, an inability to accept feedback, lack of respect for others, being too quick to offer solutions, or many other things. (If we are not finding opportunities for growth and improvement, then we are not being truthful in our self-assessment.)

Some people relish change. Some people fear and run from change. Most of us are in the middle. We know that change is necessary and helpful in the long-run but challenging or unsettling in the short-term.

Change requires sustained effort. It is said that it typically takes six weeks to build a new habit and six months to make that new habit a lifetime change. During those first six weeks, change requires a constant awareness and intentional effort. During that period between the six weeks and the six months, we need to be on guard that we don’t revert back to the old habit in a moment of stress or weakness.

In the book, The Servant Leader, authors Ken Blanchard and Phil Hodges offer seven reactions that people often have to change:

People will feel awkward, ill at ease, and self-conscious when confronted by change.
People will feel alone, even if everyone around them is going through the same change.
People will think first about what they will need to give up.
People will think that they can only handle so much change at once.
People will be concerned that they don’t have enough resources in terms of time, money, skills, energy, etc. to implement the change.
People will be at different levels of readiness for any particular change.
If pressure is taken off, people will revert to old behaviors.

When first identifying the need for change, we might feel a negative energy. We become aware of the trait or practice that is having a negative effect and we feel regret or a desire not to be held back or suffer the consequence of this weakness. But mostly we just want the effect to go away or to be negated. Once we come to terms with the cause and effect, we might accept that change is necessary. If so, we identify the old pattern and define a new desired behavior. Then we define a plan for change. This plan must include a way to recognize and short-circuit the old behavior and to consciously replace it with the new, desired behavior.

Change is best accomplished as a team effort. The actual change process requires resources, often the greatest of which is energy. Recruiting an accountability partner or pursuing change in a group setting, such as a peer advisory group, adds energy from others around us and holds us accountable to continue the effort necessary for change. Without such a support team, it is often too easy to give up when we are partially up the slope towards the new behavior.

Change is often uncomfortable and requires considerable effort. But if we desire to be the best that we can be, we will constantly be in a state of change as we grow.

Where do you need to grow? How can you make change effective and lasting?

Team or Simply Workgroup?

In recent years the use of the word team has become more popular in organizations. Instead of the executive staff we now have the leadership team. Instead of the sales department or the salesforce we have the sales team. When we need to work on a process improvement project or plan the Christmas party we pull together a team to make it happen. There are project teams, work teams, functional teams, review teams, and so forth.

Besides the fact that it is the popular thing to do, most likely we use the term “team” in hopes that it will motivate the members to work collaboratively, as if calling it a team will make it a team. And perhaps there is some psychological effect that encourages the people who are on a team to behave in a more team-like fashion.

A team is a number of persons associated together in work or activity according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Wikipedia defines a team as a group of individuals working together to achieve a goal, but then goes on to describe those team members as having complementary skills and generating synergy through a coordinated effort. Most simple definitions of a team would describe it as a group of people who share these traits:

Clear, common goals.The team members know what goal is to be achieved and they agree upon what that goal encompasses. This might be achieving a certain level of sales if they are the sales team, developing a better business process if they are a re-engineering team, or having a successful and enjoyable Christmas party if they are the party planning team.

Relevant and complementary skills.The team members each bring a variety of skills and strengths to the team with the idea that together they represent a full and robust set of skills required to achieve the goal. They are able to use these skills cooperatively as the team requires.

Good communication skills and habits.The team members are able to work together because they are able to communicate effectively within the group, describing the work to be accomplished, the part that each will play in that effort, and the assistance that each need from other members of the group.

The definition above would represent most people’s understanding of a team. Yet, these definitions fall short of defining a true and effective team. In 2017 the Cleveland Cavaliers basketball team attempted to build a championship team by signing a number of all-star players to surround the great player already on the team. These players all understood the goal, had the skills, and were able to communicate, yet they failed miserably because they did not coalesce into a team. They remained individuals and were not able to operate in unison as a team.

The above description of what is commonly termed a team is actually more of a workgroup. They are together because the work that they do can be more effective with some synergy between the group members. A true and effective team is built upon a strong relationship or bond between the team members, so that they can operate in unison, or as one body with different parts.

To become a true and effective team, requiring this strong relationship, all of the members must share the following traits:

Know and be known by each other.This requires that all members must be authentic, bringing their true self to the team, and vulnerable, willing to share their humanity with the team, including failures and weaknesses.

Accept each other.When the team members fully know each other, they must be able to accept the whole person represented within each of their team members. This requires knowing and valuing both the strengths and weaknesses of each other.

Trust each other.This level of trust is an extension of acceptance. It is the knowledge that no one on the team is going to be judged by their thoughts or actions or their successes or failures. This trust then enables debate on issues that does not move into personal conflict. It allows every team member to fully participate without any fear of judgement.

Love each other.The word love may be the most misused and misunderstood word in the English language. The definition from Paul Tripp, although originally intended for marriage, is applicable to the way that team members regard each other: “Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving.” Team members demonstrate the humility that values the other team members above themselves.

Submit to the group.In this team environment every thought is acceptable, but the team needs to make collective decisions. In a true and effective team, the members are each able to voice and argue for their point of view. But at the end of the day, every team member must be able to fully support the decision of the team, even when it is far different from their own opinion or recommendation.

Be accountable to each other.Each team member is diligent about carrying their share of the load and following through on commitments. While the team is able to trust each other and each one can submit to the team consensus, there are times when a team member might inadvertently stray from what is best for the team. True and effective teams are able to address, correct, and move past any failures or missteps.

Be committed to each other.A true and effective team requires a level of humility that places both the collective team and the other members of the team above each individual member’s own interests. Together the team members recognize the value and strength that is represented in the team and are committed to building and maintaining the relationships. Through the team, each member is committed to the collective goals of the team.

In his book “The Advantage”, author Patrick Lencioni argues that organizational health is the most important determinant of success. A true and effective team at the leadership level is one of the key elements of organizational health. It is easy to see how this model of a leadership team can be more effective than the so common group of executives fighting political battles for their personal agendas. The true and effective team requires considerable effort and a careful selection of team members, but the benefit is enormous, both for the leadership of the organization and for the organizational culture.

Thanks to my friend, Kevin McHugh, one of the country’s top executive coaches, serving CEO’s of Fortune 500 and other major corporations. This article grew out of a recent wide-ranging breakfast discussion with Kevin on the topics of leadership, emotional intelligence, character growth, and peer groups.

Is your organization’s leadership a team or a work group?

Be Slow to Anger

In two recent articles we have been examining communications and the wisdom presented in the letter from James in the Bible when we are told that “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry^”(James 1:20b NIV). This verse reminds us of three important truths – that listening is of highest importance, that we should be thoughtful in speaking or communicating, and that we must manage our emotions so that we communicate effectively.

To be an effective leader, one must be an effective communicator. For a leader, communication is much more than the transfer of information, it is connection and inspiration. Communication is necessary for developing alignment and executing strategy. Communication is the basis for a relationship of trust and respect, the foundation of leadership.

This wisdom of becoming quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger is applicable to any communication whether it be in the workplace or at home, in a one-on-one discussion or a memo to all hands. In two previous articles we looked at the importance and practice of effective listening and wise speaking (or writing). We now come to the third element of communication included in this verse – the importance of managing emotions.

The last part of this particular verse could have broader implications than just communications. It actually speaks to our need to develop our emotional intelligence. In his book, Primal Leadership, author Daniel Goldman describes emotional intelligence as being composed of four hierarchical domains:

Self-awareness – understanding your own emotions
Self-management – appropriate control of your own emotions
Social awareness – recognizing and understanding the emotions of others
Relationship management – dealing effectively with other individuals or teams

The passage from James is speaking more specifically about the need for us to appropriately manage our own emotions, mentioning anger because unchecked anger in communications can be a damaging emotion. There are instances where anger is appropriate and where there is a need to express it. There are also times when a person might feel anger without recognizing the source or might be prone to lash out at either the wrong people or in the wrong way.

More specifically addressing the theme of communication that runs through this particular verse, there is a need to use our emotional intelligence in all communications. In any conversation or communication, we need to exercise all four domains:

We need to be aware of our emotions. In a conversation, what is said or the way it is presented can prompt an emotional reaction. Sometimes our emotions can creep up on us. A word or thought can trigger a memory from earlier in the day or earlier in our life. We need to develop our awareness and understanding of our emotions, recognizing and identifying the emotions that are present at any given time and understanding their source.
We need to manage our emotions. If we are not strong in emotional intelligence or aware at the moment, emotions can sometimes become a runaway train. We need to train ourselves to first recognize our emotions and then to make rational decisions about whether and how to express them in communications. In the realm of neuroscience, this practice requires interrupting the limbic system that tends to control emotions and giving our prefrontal cortex a voice in interpreting and managing our emotions. The idea is that we are to manage our emotions rather than allowing them to manage us.
We need to be aware of emotions in others. In a conversation, this means interpreting the words, the underlying context, and the accompanying body language of the other person for the emotions that might be present. When preparing written communications or delivering a speech, this can mean thinking from the viewpoint of the audience to infer or predict what emotions might be present and to communicate in a way that addresses those emotions. Which brings us to the fourth domain –
We need to deal effectively in relationships. This means going beyond recognizing the emotions in the other party, to communicating in a way that helps them recognize and respond appropriately to the emotions that arise within them. Communication in this way resolves conflict and draws people together.

The passage from James focuses specifically on anger because anger can be so dangerous. It can turn a conversation from healthy to hurting or from logical to lethal. Anger can be destructive to relationships. Anger in a conversation has a tendency to escalate back and forth between two parties. What began as a simple conversation can turn into threats, insults, and all sorts of damage. Hence, the advice to “be slow to anger.”

Are you able to accurately recognize your emotions and manage them appropriately? How are you growing in emotional intelligence?

Be Slow to Speak

The letter from James in the Bible presents important wisdom regarding communication when it tells us that “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry^”(James 1:20b NIV). This verse reminds us of three important truths – that listening is of highest importance, that we should be thoughtful in speaking or communicating, and that we must manage our emotions to communicate effectively. This wisdom is applicable to any communication whether it be in the workplace or at home, in a one-on-one discussion or a memo to all hands. In a previous article we looked at the importance and practice of effective listening. This article will now focus on the second step – speaking. In an upcoming article we will look at the importance of managing emotions to successful communications.

The idea of being “slow to speak” is not addressing the tempo of our speaking nor is it telling us to be quiet. Rather, it is a warning against reacting rashly and blurting out something we would rather not say. It is an encouragement to consider our words carefully and thoughtfully so that we may communicate effectively.

When we are confronted in a discussion, especially an emotional discussion, there is a choice as to whether we will react or respond. To react means that we reply immediately in a way that might be driven by emotions of the moment. To respond indicates that we have given adequate thought to formulate a reply that shows the proper respect for the other party and presents information in a logical fashion. Some people are skilled at responding quickly while others may take more time to properly think through the proper response. The instruction to “be slow to speak” suggests that it is better to schedule a time to continue the discussion if needed in order to properly respond rather than to react in a way that we might later regret.

For the normal flow of communication, the concept of “being slow to speak” means that we give adequate thought to our communications to make them most effective. Again, this can apply to any communication, written or verbal, to any audience. Here are some thoughts on the requirements of effective communication:

Know your audience.Before preparing any communication, first think about the audience. Who are they? What are their concerns or desires? What do they need to know or what fears need to be addressed? What is the background for this communication that needs to be considered? What questions are likely to arise that need to be addressed up front?

Speak directly to them.Whatever the format and means of communicating, from a team meeting to a memo sent halfway around the world, developing a communication that is most like a direct conversation is generally the best solution. In today’s corporate world, people are more frequently using the term “conversations” to describe communications because it conveys the proper tone for developing alignment, inspiration, or understanding. There are times when a contract is necessary but most communication should be built on a more personal language that draws in the recipient rather than pushing them off.

Be clear and candid.Stating the facts honestly and forthrightly is the best solution. Understand the audience and then present the information that they need to know. Communicate in a way and with the information that and answers their questions rather than prompts more. There is always a tension between brevity and comprehensiveness but a focus on clarity can be consistent with brevity.

Be yourself.Part of being authentic is being who you are in all contexts. Communication is most effective when it is from the heart, not just the mouth. Allow your emotion to show as long as it is respectful. For example, if you need to announce staff reductions, there is likely to be some sadness. Don’t allow yourself to be a talking head. Allowing yourself to be seen in what and how you communicate builds trust. People relate to a person, not a title or a position.

All of these practices, and others like them, reflect the same concept – thoughtful communication is effective communication. Being slow to speak requires putting the brain in gear before the mouth (or pen or keyboard) is engaged. Effective communication brings the organization together positively, aligning and inspiring the effort necessary to move forward.

Are you taking the time to effectively communicate?

Be Quick to Listen

The letter from James in the Bible presents important wisdom regarding communication when it reads “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry^”(James 1:20b NIV). This verse reminds us of three important truths – that listening is of highest importance, that we should be thoughtful in speaking or communicating, and that we must manage our emotions to communicate effectively. This article will focus on the first step – being quick to listen. Future articles will look at the other two elements of effective communication – speaking wisely and managing emotions.

Why must listening come first, one might ask? Especially, perhaps, one who is so full of himself or herself that he or she thinks that only their own opinion is important. But a real leader places high value on every person, a value that is equivalent to the value he places on himself. Stephen Covey popularized the advice of “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” This philosophy demonstrates the value of the other person. It also enables our communication to be more effective. Only when we understand the position of the other person are we able to communicate in a way that is responsive to and respectful of the other person’s mindset.

Listening involves more than receiving the words or the information being relayed. Effective listening has these three elements:

Receiving the information.
Understanding the underlying meaning or purpose of the information.
Interpreting the underlying communication from the accompanying emotion and body language.

Sometimes the communication that we receive is simply a delivery of information. But more frequently, the words are only a small part of what is actually being communicated, even when the other person might be unaware of what all is being subconsciously being communicated. An effective listener pays attention to the complete message and interprets the words based on the entire communication.

In order to fully or effectively listen, follow these steps:

Face the speaker and maintain eye contact.Talking to someone while they are looking elsewhere, such as scanning the room, viewing their screen, or reading, is like trying to hit a moving target. The speaker has no idea how much of the conversation is sinking in. By the listener not focusing on the conversation, the speaker can feel unimportant and frustrated. Instead, the listener should demonstrate the value of the other person and the importance of the information by focusing on the speaker.
Be attentive and provide feedback.As the listener, be present in the conversation and demonstrate that you are tracking with the information being communicated. This might involve a head nod or occasional comments or questions, such as “I can see how that makes your task difficult” or even a “hmmm” to verify that you are involved and receiving the message.
Keep an open mind.Listen without judging either the speaker or the information being presented. This is a part of demonstrating our value of other people. Don’t jump to conclusions or hijack the conversation. The speaker is presenting their thoughts and feelings and deserves to be fully heard and understood.
Hear the entire message.Wait until the message is fully received before forming your response. If the listener is making judgments or organizing a rebuttal while the other person is speaking, they have compromised their effectiveness as a listener and may not hear the message correctly or completely. If the speaker is asking for a solution, wait until the message is delivered and a solution is requested. As humans, and this is especially true for leaders, we can be quick to offer solutions when they are not desired or appropriate.
Ask clarifying questions, but without interrupting.As the listener, you want to be sure that you clearly understand the entirety of what is being communicated. To do so may require drawing out more information or developing clarity about what is being communicated, including the unsaid elements of communication. As appropriate, use pauses on the part of the speaker to ask questions or verify your understanding. It’s best not to interrupt and, by all means, do not derail the conversation or take it down a rabbit hole.
Pay attention to what isn’t said.An effective listener takes in and interprets the entire message. This includes the words or information presented, the underlying emotion with which those words are laced, and the body language of the presenter. This is an important part of emotional intelligence, understanding the emotions of others. It is all part of the message, and the unsaid portions can sometimes be even more valuable than the actual information communicated.

A skilled listener values the presenter and demonstrates that value in the way that they receive information. A skilled listener is also able to draw more knowledge out of a conversation by using the tools described. It is often said that we are given two ears and one mouth to demonstrate the importance of listening. The concept of being quick to listen is a reminder of its priority in communication.

Do you communicate in a way that values the other party? Are you an effective listener?