Author: Ken Vaughan

Ken is a business strategy consultant and leadership coach. His passion is helping companies and people grow and succeed. He also provides leadership content for IndustryWeek magazine, EHSToday magazine and several newsletters of Endeavor Business Media. For more than three years Ken also wrote articles on leadership for PolymerOhio Manufacturing Sevices targeted at small- to medium-size manufacturers. Sign up for our quarterly newsletter on the Resources page.

Perfectly Imperfect

As a leader (as opposed to a boss or a manager), we often find ourselves being affirmed for our leadership qualities. These qualities, which might be our intelligence, wisdom, common sense, decision-making skills, relational skills, strategic skills, or other qualities, lead to our ability to influence. People choose to follow leaders because they recognize the character traits, skills, and other qualities that make the leader stand out and be more effective.

When we grow accustomed to this repeated affirmation, we run the danger of becoming overly focused on it. This can lead us to believe that we cannot show any failure or weakness for fear of losing the high opinion in which we are held. Even worse, some people begin to believe their own press, believing that they are indeed pretty close to perfect. No human being is perfect, and it is both a fallacy and a weakness to believe either that you are perfect or that you need to be perfect.

Understanding and embracing our imperfections is, in fact, an important character trait that does two important things that strengthen our ability to lead. First, as we recognize our imperfections, we can be motivated to grow, addressing those imperfections and seeking to grow past them. Secondly, understanding and admitting our imperfections to others makes us more relatable. Let’s take a further look at how we can lead better by recognizing and accepting our imperfections.

Benefit of Growth

One of the traits of effective leaders is self-awareness. They know their strengths and capitalize on them. They also know their weaknesses and find ways to compensate for them and to grow past them. We can compensate for our weaknesses by drawing people around us who are able to fill the gap, so to speak, taking assignments where we might be ill-suited or providing counsel or support that shores up our weaknesses.

An effective leader is also continually striving to grow. When we are aware of weaknesses or imperfections, we first prioritize our growth needs or opportunities and then develop and execute a plan for growth to fill in these weak spots in our character or skillset. But before we can grow, it is necessary to admit our need for growth.

Benefit of Authenticity

Where some might think that allowing others to see our imperfections might weaken our leadership, the opposite is true. Authenticity is one of the character traits that draws people into relationship. If we, as leaders, try to maintain an aura of perfection, we run the risk of being unapproachable. Hiding ourselves from being known by our team members builds a relational chasm that separates us. On the other hand, authentically acknowledging that we have imperfections and weaknesses demonstrates our humanity. Humans relate best to other humans, so that this authenticity, in fact, draws others into relationship.

Admitting our imperfections does not mean that we are a failure. Since all humans have some imperfections, admitting them simply means that we are admitting to be human and not superhuman or divine.

Effective leadership is built upon a relationship of trust and respect. This relationship works best when we are able to know and be known, requiring authenticity, in other words, allowing ourselves to be perfectly imperfect.

Are you aware and able to embrace your own imperfections? Are you willing for others to see those imperfections?

Are You That Toxic Boss?

“People join the company but leave the boss.” We often hear this said. People accept a job opportunity for the possibilities that they see in the industry and the particular company. Then they leave the company because of the behavior of the boss to whom they report.

People might be disappointed or disillusioned in a boss that plays favorites or participates in cliques. They may view a boss as incompetent or not feel that they are able to mentor or provide support and development. But the greatest motivation for fleeing is a toxic boss, one who makes the job environment intolerable.

Too often the toxic boss doesn’t even realize that he/she is considered to be one; they don’t recognize the behaviors that define them as toxic because these behaviors are so deeply ingrained. Here are some clues to help you examine whether you are, in fact, that toxic boss that people complain about and want to escape:

  • Do you think that volume is more important than vision? A toxic boss seeks to overpower team members by shouting rather than presenting a rational position that can win followers.
  • Do you react in anger rather than seeking to understand? A toxic boss’ first reaction is often anger so as to squelch any other opinion. Anger is often an outcome of a self-centered perspective.
  • Are you quick to blame others for failures rather than admitting your part first? A toxic boss cannot admit their own failures and faults, so they must place the blame on others.
  • Do you look for opportunities to claim credit for yourself rather than passing it on to others? Toxic bosses only care about themselves and have difficulty in seeing or acknowledging the contributions of others.
  • Do you see the negative and miss the positive? A toxic boss will focus on the negative, describing only the potential downsides of a suggestion or an action while failing to consider the upside.
  • Do you intentionally withhold information or seek to empower others? A toxic boss sees information as power and is greedy about controlling the balance.
  • Do you make destructive comments or seek to build up and encourage others? A toxic boss is quick with sarcasm or cutting remarks in an effort to tear others down and show themselves to be witty or more intelligent.
  • Are you quick to pass judgment or do you have an open mind? A toxic boss has difficulty accepting ideas from others, thinking that others cannot have answers that are better than the boss’.
  • Do you avoid receiving feedback or seek it? A toxic boss has a high opinion of themselves and places low value on input from others.
  • Do you bully or harass others or treat them with respect? A toxic boss feels a need to tear others down or verbally beat others up as a means to build themselves up.
  • Do you value your reputation higher than truth? A toxic boss can be quick to lie in order to save face or build their position.

These behaviors of a toxic boss are often the result of serious character flaws in a person. For example, many of these behaviors are an effort to tear other people down as a means of compensating for a poor self-image. The bluster is a weak attempt to hide the internal fear.

If you recognize yourself in several of these comparisons, it may be helpful to do some deeper soul searching or seek input from others. Toxic bosses drive people away, especially the most capable people who are ready and able to think for themselves. If you find that you fall into the mold of a toxic boss, you may want to begin work on driving out these behaviors and building a stronger, more positive character.

Are you one of those toxic bosses? How would the members of your team describe you?

Dealing with a Toxic Boss

What do we mean when we speak about a toxic boss? A toxic boss is a person who believes that the way to get team members to perform is through shouting, belittling, and bullying the people that they should be leading. According to an article published by the business news organization, Quartz, about 10% of bosses fit the mold of abusive or toxic bosses. The article, written by Chris Woolston and originally published in Knowable Magazine, cites a wide variety of research and experts.

Often, the experts say, abusive bosses believe that this mode is the most effective way to manage people. Often this is the result of the Peter Principle, in which a functional or technical expert is promoted into a supervisory position without receiving appropriate training and development of leadership skills. Some research shows that the behavior of certain employees makes it more likely that their supervisor would resort to abusive practices.

It is often said that people join companies but leave poor bosses. The article speaks of more effective leadership practices rather than the abusive practices of a toxic boss.

The article provides some advice for those faced with a toxic boss, as follows:

  • Consider jumping ship. Since only 10% of bosses are toxic, chances are the next one would not be.
  • Team up. Employees often work together to warn and protect each other of a toxic boss.
  • Keep your distance. Few people enjoy being abused, so one alternative is to limit the interactions with the toxic boss as much as possible.
  • Take the long view. Some people tolerate a toxic boss with the view that all things must pass.
  • Don’t fan the flames. Keeping a low profile can make a person less of a target for the abusive behavior.
  • Play the game. One tried and true strategy is the practice of “kissing up,” working to appease the toxic boss.

A toxic boss demotivates team members, causing lost productivity and reduced performance. See the full article for a more detailed discussion of the perils of toxic bosses.

“Change Your Questions, Change Your Life” by Marilee Adams

There is a constant stream of questions running through the back of our mind. Something we see, something we hear, a memory that pops up – all of these things are likely to prompt some questions. Most of the time we pay no attention to these questions; they are just a part of the background processing that takes place in our brain. Sometimes, however, these questions are loud enough that we hear them as questions that we are asking ourselves. Sometimes we feel compelled to ask them of someone in a conversation. These questions can have a powerful influence on the way that we think and the way that we interact with others.

The big idea in the book, “Change Your Questions, Change Your Life” by Marilee Adams, is that these questions, the ones that are loud enough for us to pay attention to, are often what the author calls Judger questions. The problem with Judger questions is that they are either self-defeating (when we are asking them of ourselves) or they damage relationships (when we ask them about others). Instead of Judger questions, the author urges us to develop the practice of asking Learner questions.

It is human nature to be in Judger mode. Judger mode is protective, looking for risk or danger. When we ask Judger questions of ourselves, they sound much like the inner critic: “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why bother?” When we ask them about other people, either silently to ourselves or aloud, they are searching for ill motives or weaknesses in the other person: “What’s wrong with him/her?” or “What are they trying to do here?” Sometimes Judger questions are aimed at winning or gaining something: “How do I prove I’m right?” or “What should I do to get out of this situation?”

The author maintains that, while we all operate in the Judger mindset occasionally, the better choice is to develop a more robust Learner mindset and to operate from that mode. When we hear ourselves asking Judger questions, switch to Learner mindset by asking, “Am I in Judger?, Will it get me what I really want?, Where would I rather be?”

The Learner mindset asks question from an accepting, open, responsive stance. When we are asking questions of ourselves, these might be questions such as “What do I value about myself?”, “What’s possible?”, or “What are the best steps forward?” When we are observing another person, Learner might ask “What is he/she thinking, feeling, and wanting?” or “What do they need in this situation?”

The book is written in the form of a fable, in which the main character has risen through the organization by operating as the “answer man.” Now in a leadership position, his team is failing because he always falls back on giving answers, making the team disrespect him and fail to coalesce and collaborate. Through a leadership coach he learns the value of asking powerful questions, changing the way that he leads and then building a successful team.

Leadership tools are often relationship tools, and that is the case here. The book demonstrates how much more effective questions are at building relationships, rather than always providing answers or dealing with each other from a Judger mindset.

Since an organization’s culture generally reflects the character of the leader, there is a chapter on building Learner teams and keeping them from becoming Judger teams. There is also a chapter on Q-Storming, a process similar to brainstorming but relying on questions only. The book also includes a workbook section that might serve as a substitute for coaching in developing the Learner mindset.

“Poor leaders rarely ask questions of themselves or others. Good leaders, on the other hand, ask many questions. Great leaders ask the great questions.” – Michael Marquardt

On her website, Marilee Adams cites a study in which leaders judged to be the poorest in leadership ability made statements 90% of the time and asked questions only 10% of the time. Those rated as the best leaders used questions 70% of the time. In general, this book teaches valuable tools for becoming an effective leader who operates from a Learner mindset and asks powerful questions.

“Untangling Emotions” by Alasdair Groves and Winston Smith

Emotions are complex and often confusing. Emotions are our mind and our body’s way of advising us about what is happening in regard to the things that we love. Some of us fear emotions, some are ruled by emotions. The book, “Untangling Emotions”, written by J. Alasdair Groves and Winston T. Smith, is a fascinating dive into understanding emotions and developing a positive path for dealing with them.

The big idea in this book is that emotions provide us with an insight as to what we consider important, i.e., what we love or worship. Some people love their comfort, excitement, themselves, their family, success, reputation, wealth, and so on. The things that we love drive our emotions and the way that we act upon our emotions. Offering a Christian perspective rooted in Scripture, the book encourages us to examine whether the things that we love, those things that drive our emotions, are in line with the things that God loves.

The authors describe the following purposes of emotions:

  • Communicate: emotions communicate value
  • Relate: emotions help us connect
  • Motivate: emotions motivate us
  • Elevate: emotions turn us toward God

Some people react to emotions with a “spit it up” attitude, believing that emotions are everything and others adopt a “suck it up” attitude, preferring to ignore their emotions. Instead, the authors encourage us to engage our emotions to better understand them and to respond in a healthy fashion to them.

Because we have many things in our life that are important to a greater or lesser extent, our mind and body are constantly feeling a variety of emotions. At any point in time, one or several of those emotions might rise in its impact. When this occurs, we might engage in the emotion by asking questions such as the following:

  • Identify – Am I feeling some particular emotion? What am I feeling?
  • Examine – Why am I feeling this emotion? How is this emotion making me want to behave?
  • Evaluate – What does this emotion tell me about what is important to me? Is this emotion and this level of importance consistent with who I am and what I want to be important in my life?
  • Act – How might I respond to this emotion? How will I respond to this emotion?

Using this framework, the authors then walk the reader through the process of engaging the hardest emotions – fear, anger, grief, and guilt and shame. For example, many people are quick to react to anger. Ephesians 4:29 tells us “Be angry and do not sin” (ESV), which indicates that it is natural to sometimes be angry, but cautions us regarding how we react to that anger. The authors point out that there is both righteous anger unrighteous anger. Righteous anger is a reaction to something like God being mocked or someone attacking someone that we love. More often we feel unrighteous anger in which someone interferes with our little kingdom of self. The process of engaging that anger allows us to examine the root, make a judgment call on its righteousness, and take action or not based on a clear assessment.

Each chapter finishes with a few questions to ponder, with some for the reader for their own processing and some for the reader that desires to help others. The book is a good read for those that want to think deeper about emotions and their impact on our lives and our relationships.

Leaders Build

Leaders are forward-facing and driven to grow, improve, and achieve. They recognize the importance helping those around them to grow and achieve as well as being driven to grow and develop themselves. They even desire to improve and build the organizations that they lead. These are character traits present in most effective leaders. Therefore, one of the practices of leadership is to build.

Some of the key practices of  leaders are to build, inspire, communicate, challenge, enable, and encourage. Let’s look specifically at what it means for a leader to build.

Leaders build their organizations. They are not satisfied with being a caretaker and they aren’t satisfied with “good enough.” Rather, they are always on the lookout for ways in which the organization can improve its processes, its products or services, its culture, and its people—everything and anything about the organization.

Leaders scan the horizon for information that could represent threats or opportunities for the future of the organization. They seek input from a wide variety of sources—peers, industry associations, economic development sources, technical or academic advisors, etc.—and look for information that might be useful in developing a vision of the future. They ask the questions, “How might this information affect me?” and “How might this affect my organization?” Leaders also look within their organization with a critical or analytical eye, in a search for ways to improve. They then lay out a plan of action and guide the decisions and actions of the organization to move toward that future.

Leaders build the people, teams, and culture around them. A leader’s efforts to build the people around him depends also on his effectiveness of managing the arena in which the people operate. The culture provides the environment in which personal growth is either enhanced or undermined. In a similar way, teams can serve as the petri dish where elements of personal growth are practiced and perfected.

Three motivations drive the leader’s effort for developing her people. First, leaders know that the team can accomplish more than an individual or even a group of individuals. Second, building the people and their ability to work as a team today provides the capacity to get more accomplished tomorrow. And third, with a servant mentality leaders are committed to helping others grow and reach their potential.

Building into people requires first understanding them well enough to know their strengths and weaknesses as well as their personal vision. With this knowledge a plan for growth can be developed. Leaders are responsible for mentoring and coaching their people. They need to identify the new responsibilities and assignments that will provide the learning and developmental experiences for growth. Leaders need to be observant of the actions of their people and reinforce positive growth and provide guidance to correct negative behaviors.

In order to help the people around them reach their potential, leaders are cognizant and intentional about forming effective teams and cultivating a positive and energizing culture. Building a team that works well requires assembling a group that can work together and managing the relationships within the team. The team must utilize the capabilities of all members and operate as a unit, and it is the leader’s responsibility to develop this unity.

Culture is important when we talk of people growth because a positive culture can reinforce our efforts. A negative culture can sap the energy or demotivate people in their growth efforts. The culture, of course, must be one that energizes and encourages personal growth and contribution to the organization’s vision and mission. To develop this culture, the leader needs to model and encourage the behavior desired and to defend and protect against behavior that is counter to the desired culture. In the same way, our people should be encouraged to contribute to the positive growth of culture as well. This both adds to the positive climate and provides an opportunity for personal growth and contribution.

Leaders build themselves in order to continually become more effective. Leaders develop their self-awareness through reflection, self-examination, and the input of others to identify gaps and areas for improvement. They find the proper resources to build their leadership character and competency. A previous article spoke in more depth about the process of developing as a leader. This process includes learning or growing our skills or competencies. It also includes retraining our brain to build certain character traits and to build the emotional intelligence that enables us to develop and manage the relationships that we need in order to influence as a leader.

Leaders are designed to build—build their organizations, their people, and themselves. Not satisfied with status quo, leaders look for opportunities for growth and improvement.

Are you building yourself, the members of your team, and your organization to face the challenges of tomorrow?

Three Steps of Effective Feedback

Providing feedback is one of the most important tools for developing followers and achieving desired results. Feedback communicates the actions or behaviors that we desire to see more of, less of, or the same in the future. So, with effective feedback we can shape the behavior of a person and we can move towards the most desirable results for the organization.

In other articles we have provided advice and guidance on providing feedback, such as ten tips for feedback or a description of the necessary context for feedback or the character traits for making feedback effective. You can find a compilation of articles on effective feedback here.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines feedback as “the transmission of evaluative or corrective information about an action, event, or process to the original or controlling source.” A similar definition is found in BusinessDictionary.com, which says that it is the “process in which the effect or output of an action is ‘returned’ (fed-back) to modify the next action.”

In seminars intended to teach the skill, we break the feedback process into three, easy to remember steps – identify the specific action, describe the impact, and set the expectation. Feedback can only be effective when these three steps are completed. Let’s look at these three steps in more detail.

Step 1: Identify the specific action, behavior, event, or process. Operating under the assumption that we have an established relationship of communication with the intended recipient of our feedback, the specific conversation might begin with a description of the action, such as “the way that you helped the team reach a consensus” or “the three conclusions as you wrapped up your presentation.” Corrective feedback might begin with something like “the tone that you used in replying to Joe seemed very condescending” or “the facts that you presented don’t support the conclusions that you drew.”

Too often people think that they are providing feedback with a very general statement, such as “great job on the presentation” or “you add a lot to this team.” Such general statements could be considered affirmations, but they have little value for guiding future behavior, thus not really constituting feedback. The more specific and descriptive our statement, the better guidance it provides for future behavior.

Often feedback is better received when we first ask for permission, especially in the case of corrective feedback. Also, when providing corrective feedback, a bit of positive at the front end makes the recipient more open to the negative. An example might be, “Your presentation was good with a logical flow of the background information and each slide was a nice, bite-sized addition to our understanding, but may I offer some advice?”

Step 2: Describe the impact of the action. There are two elements of impact that are necessary for effective feedback. First, the personal impact or impression on the feedback provider. And second, the broader impact, whether it be on the organization, audience, peers, or whatever.

The personal impact makes the feedback just that – personal. Feedback becomes more digestible when the provider can share a feeling prompted by the action. Did their action, behavior, event, or process make you feel happy, intrigued, disappointed, angry, confused, excited, or whatever emotion was present? If this is important enough to provide feedback, there should be some emotion that arose, telling you that you should address it. Perhaps this is a good time to remind us that feedback is important, so we may need to train ourselves to notice those opportunities to feel something and to provide feedback.

The second half of describing the impact is to provide a broader context. Was the action in line with organizational goals or not, did it disrupt a meeting or discussion, is it likely to have hurt the reputation or effectiveness of the recipient, did it demonstrate behavior in line with or contrary to the organization’s desired culture, etc? Again, our goal in feedback is to be as specific as possible in order to tie the referenced action with the results, either positive or negative. Specifics make it more likely for the communication to be clearly understood and accepted, thus increasing the likelihood of long-term impact. A statement such as “you were rude, and I don’t want that to happen again” has little value. Rather a statement such as “I was disappointed to hear the rude comment you made when you said ___. That sort of comment breaks down the cohesion of our team and makes it more difficult to work together. We want this organization to be a place where each person is valued and accepted.” is more likely to gain the attention and acceptance of the recipient. Another example of describing the impact could be “The information in your presentation was so clear but I noticed that you said ‘um’ frequently. That habit can make your audience think that you are not confident in what you are presenting.”

Without demonstrating the impact, both personally and in the larger context, a comment about certain action can feel more like a slap on the back or a slap on the wrist, depending whether it is positive or negative. Without demonstrating the impact, such comments have little impact on the future. Therefore, they can’t be called feedback.

Step 3: Set the expectations for future action, behavior, events, or processes. Feedback is about identifying what we want more of, less of, or the same amount of. The third step of the feedback process is a statement or a discussion of our expectations relative to the specific action that we are addressing. The feedback process must provide clear expectations for the future.

Depending upon the situation, the third step of the feedback process might also include consequences or a plan of action. If we are talking about a serious negative action or behavior, the process may call for identifying the disciplinary action that will take place in the event of a next occurrence. If we have communicated the specific action and the specific impact that action, it is only natural that a specific consequence be communicated.

On the other hand, the feedback discussion may be related to an action or behavior that is beyond the recipient’s present capabilities. In this case, the discussion may call for either the feedback recipient to develop a developmental plan of action or it may require that the feedback provider and the recipient together define a developmental plan.

“The growth and development of people is the highest calling of leadership.” – Harvey S. Firestone

Effective feedback is crucial for effective leadership. To be able to spot opportunities where feedback is appropriate and to then provide it in a way that helps in the development of the recipient, is the best way to guide the growth of the people that we lead. To nudge the actions and behaviors of team members to align with organizational vision, goals, culture, and strategy is the best way to maximize the effectiveness of the organization. Many leaders underestimate the power of feedback and overlook the constant opportunities for providing it.

Are you providing enough feedback to those around you? Are you providing feedback in a way that maximizes its benefits?

The Problem of Arrogance

One of the primary reasons for the downfall of many leaders is the problem of arrogance. Arrogance defeats leadership in many ways, especially in these two: 1) arrogance inhibits a person’s ability to learn or take in information and 2) arrogance inhibits a person’s ability to build meaningful relationships with others.

Arrogance has these two definitions in the Merriam-Webster dictionary: 1) exaggerating or disposed to exaggerate one’s own worth or importance often by an overbearing manner and 2) showing an offensive attitude of superiority. Arrogance is very much the opposite of humility.

It is easy for a leader to fall into the trap of arrogance. First of all, the leader is placed in a position within the organization above others. He or she most probably has been elevated in organizational position above one-time peers, often many times. Both the position and the process of being elevated can go to one’s head, making him/her begin to believe that they are superior in some way (or in many ways) compared to others. Arrogance is a mindset as well as a character trait.

The first problem with an arrogant person is that they begin to believe that they are always correct and that they have all the answers. When someone begins to think this way, they no longer need to take in more information. They ignore or dismiss the input of those around them. By ignoring information, the arrogant person becomes just that, ignorant. They stifle the conversation around them and force others to accept their viewpoint. In doing so, the arrogant person can easily miss out on important information or alternative viewpoints, thus jeopardizing their decision-making process.

The second problem can be a corollary to the first. An arrogant person dismisses information from others and, in doing so, is perceived as dismissive of the other person. By human nature, we are not likely to build a relationship of trust and respect with a person who is dismissive of us, who shows no value for us. People only follow a leader when there is an established relationship of trust and respect. Therefore, the arrogant leader cannot inspire others, they can only rely upon command and control.

Arrogance should not be confused with confidence or self-esteem. Self-esteem is a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself. Confidence is a realistic belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities. As a leader, we can be aware of the special gifts and abilities with which we have been endowed while still being open to listening and learning as well as valuing the person of those around us. Confidence is one of the character traits that make a leader effective as opposed to arrogance, which will make a person ineffective.

Arrogance is the opposite of humility. Where arrogance dismisses or devalues those around us, humility regards others as of equal value. Human value is not a function of either position or gifting.

“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2 (ESV)

Arrogance is a trait that can creep up on us, so we need to be aware and vigilant that it does not overtake us. If you find yourself feeling increasingly arrogant, be quick to stomp it out. Here are some possible ways to keep arrogance at bay:

  • Be vulnerable and authentic. Be quick to recognize and admit mistakes. Be quick to seek the input and advice of others.
  • Practice humility. Express the value that you see in those around you. Recognize that many of your gifts and talents are not of your own doing but are provided to you by your Creator.
  • Be vigilant for any expressions of arrogance. Catch yourself and examine the impact that any signs of arrogance have on your effectiveness and your relationships.
  • Keep a journal of daily successes and failures and successes and failures. Use it as a guide for reflection and for setting personal development goals.
  • Ask those that are close to you to hold you accountable. The simple act of asking for accountability will heighten your awareness.

Remember that effective leadership is built upon relationships of trust and respect. Humility is one of the traits that build these relationships and arrogance is like dynamite, destroying relationships and our ability to lead.

Do you show signs of arrogance in your leadership relationships? What are you doing to tame that arrogance?

The Character for Providing Effective Feedback

Effective leadership is built upon a combination of competency and character, with character the higher priority. Without strong, positive character traits, competencies can seem hollow to those that are called to follow. This is especially true for providing feedback. Character opens the door for providing competent feedback.

It is easy to learn the basic elements of feedback and to develop the skill to deliver these elements. Feedback identifies specific action or behavior. Feedback describes the impact of the action or behavior. Feedback requests more of, less of, or continuation of the action or behavior. Anyone that is seeking to lead others can learn these three elements and then develop the habit of watching for behavior, either positive or negative, and providing feedback using the three elements.

The problem with providing feedback that is built upon competency alone is that it often falls flat for the recipient. The old saying that “talk is cheap” applies here. Feedback is only truly effective when it is provided within a relationship and delivered from a caring heart. Effective feedback is motivated by a desire to build into the future of the organization and into the future of the individual. Without the character required, the feedback recipient will quickly feel that your feedback is just an effort to click the box or achieve self-centered goals.

On the other hand, providing feedback that is backed by character becomes evident to the recipient that the leader truly cares about the person and is seeking the recipient’s growth and success. Character provides a relational foundation for discussion and understanding so that the feedback is clearly comprehended, accepted, and implemented. Feedback that is backed by character is valued by the recipient whereas feedback without the character-based relationship is often either resented or ignored.

When we speak of the character that supports effective feedback, the traits that we should seek to build into our lives might include the following:

  • Caring, thoughtful, courteous, kind
  • Candid
  • Commitment to doing what is right or necessary
  • Faith in others
  • Forward-thinking
  • Goal-oriented, growth-oriented
  • Humble
  • Observant
  • Optimistic, positive
  • Respectful
  • Results-oriented
  • Sensitive
  • Sincere

Before a leader can be truly effective in building team members and providing effective feedback, they must be sure that they have and are consistently developing these character traits. With such character, development of a positive relationship is a natural consequence. With a strong and positive relationship, team members seek feedback driven by a desire to perform up to the standards expected by the leader.

Have you developed the character traits that open the door to providing effective feedback?

What’s the Story?

It is not unusual for people, when faced with conflict or crisis involving another person, to imagine a story that might explain the conflict. Oftentimes the story is an elaborate tale of persecution and very often it is false.

Some examples of this internal story-telling: a person who doesn’t get invited to a certain meeting that they feel they should attend or left out of a communication tells themselves, “They are pushing me out” or “They are trying to take some of my responsibilities” or even “They know that I’m smarter than the rest of them, and they don’t want to be intimidated.” Upon receiving some negative feedback someone might say, “He just needs to come up with reasons to not give me that salary increase” or “She always is putting me down but she doesn’t have the same standards for the rest of the team” or “He needs to find something against me because he’s afraid I will take his job.”

Why do people imagine these stories? There is something about our thought process that wants to tie up the loose ends or find an explanation for the unknown circumstances in which we find ourselves. It is difficult to simply shrug off things that happen to us, if they are deemed to have some personal importance. In these situations, it becomes almost a subconscious process in which our brain looks for possible explanations. This is especially true for people with substantial insecurities. A secure person is more capable of shrugging off a situation or telling themselves that there must be a logical explanation and waiting to find it later.

The problem that these internal stories present is the potential of acting upon an untrue story. Even if we don’t overtly act upon it, a false story can subconsciously create attitudes or actions that can have a negative impact. It is possible that the internal story then plays out in the attitude that we show in a future conversation, thus damaging a relationship or reputation.

Since these internal stories can be detrimental, we need to identify them and control them. The first step is awareness. Understand the phenomena in which our brain tries to tie up loose ends and look for the stories to pop up when we face conflict or disappointments. If we often tell ourselves a negative story, then we need to develop the habit of always questioning the story that our mind tells us in these situations. If we cannot find an explanation other than a negative story, then we must monitor our attitude in response.

What is the story that your mind tells you when you face disappointment or conflict?