The most effective leaders are those who are the best listeners. The same is true for the most effective teachers, salespeople, parents, and, for that matter, people. They are experts at listening. They show up ready to do the deep listening necessary to really relate.

Listening is an important part of effective leadership. Indeed, listening is critical to the health and growth of any human relationship. Too often, we humans listen (maybe we should use the term, hear, rather than listen) from a self-centered perspective. How does this affect me? Is there anything here important to me? How can I respond in a way that benefits me? Is there any danger to me in what I hear?

Being understood by others is a basic human need. People feel valued when others seek to know or understand them. This is why listening to understand is such an important skill in relationships; by listening well we demonstrate the value that we place upon the other person. This leads to better communication and also to stronger relationships.

When we think about listening to understand, framing it in the six journalistic questions, that is, who, when, where, what, how, and why, provides a framework for understanding the true content or intent that a person is communicating to us. Some of those questions might seem elementary when we think about a conversation, but we should look at each one more deeply. The “who” is the person that is speaking to us, but in the context of this conversation, who is this person. In other words, what are they all about or what is their nature or personality?  For example, is this a person who demonstrates high anxiety when facing change? The “when” is generally right now; we are most often listening in real time, although we might need to use our listening skills in understanding a voice mail or some other past communication. But think more deeply about the when. What are the circumstances that might be impacting the speaker? Have they just been facing a particularly stressful time? The “where” is often right in front of us, although it could be a phone call or message from some other location, which is also generally known to us. But, thinking deeper, what is the environment that might be impacting the speaker?

Not to totally dismiss the importance of those first three questions but listening to understand leans even more heavily on the remaining three questions – “what,” “how,” and “why.” If we truly want to understand and, in so doing, demonstrate the value that we assign to the other person and what they are communicating, then we must be constantly asking ourselves and answering as best we can these three questions. The process of answering these three questions involves an iterative process of examining, inquiring, clarifying, and confirming throughout the conversation. Let’s look more deeply at how these last three questions define the way that we listen to understand.

What are the words being said? The first and most obvious element of listening to understand is to hear all the words. And for most of us, this is no easy task. After a few words we can easily begin to process a response or a solution. Or even worse, our mind can wander someplace unrelated. We need to be intentional about taking in all of the information being presented. The art of reflective listening can help us process, clarify, and retain the words being said. Reflective listening can also expand the information communicated.

How are the words being said? The words are only a part of communication. How it is being said can often determine the real message. While strolling the streets of Savannah, the statement, “I’m so thrilled to be here with you” can communicate joy when said by your spouse, while the same statement from your teenager while rolling their eyes has a completely different interpretation.

How the words are being said includes understanding both the body language and the emotion behind the words. Dr. Albert Mehrabian, professor emeritus at UCLA who is known for his work in studying nonverbal communications, has described the components of human communication as 7 percent spoken words, 38 percent tone of voice, and 55 percent body language. While those percentages might be argued, it is clear that understanding cannot be based on words alone. The words we hear must be interpreted in the context of body language and tone of voice. The bigger picture sets a context for understanding and interpreting the words.

What is actually being communicated? Combining the words that we hear with the body language and emotion or tone of voice that we observe allows a broader or deeper understanding of what is communicated. This deeper understanding again provides an opportunity for reflection, exploration, and clarification through questions and discussion.

Why is it being communicated? While we may never be capable of fully understanding the inner drives, this question provides the opportunity to move to a much deeper level. It moves beyond what is being communicated to an understanding of motivations, background, mindset, attitudes, or other factors that drive the communication. It sets an even deeper context from which to further interpret the communication. Again, the opportunity arises for further exploration and discussion leading to a deeper level of understanding.

While these elements of what, how, and why may define a path to deeper understanding, they can also sound daunting. How do we grow our listening skills to this depth? As with much of what makes a leader, listening to understand is built on a combination of competency and character. The skill is largely a matter of building the habits of paying full attention to the other and being driven by the questions of “who,” “when,” “where,” “what,” “how,” and “why.” The character part is largely these two traits: placing high value on people and relationships and having a high level of curiosity that can then drive our desire to understand. Building these competencies and character traits enables us to listen to understand, which then leads to the relationship of trust and respect on which effective leadership is built.

Are you a deep listener? Do you listen in the context of what, how, and why? How can you grow your competency and character to be a better listener, i.e., to listen to understand?