It is not unusual for people, when faced with conflict or crisis involving another person, to imagine a story that might explain the conflict. Oftentimes the story is an elaborate tale of persecution and very often it is false.

Some examples of this internal story-telling: a person who doesn’t get invited to a certain meeting that they feel they should attend or left out of a communication tells themselves, “They are pushing me out” or “They are trying to take some of my responsibilities” or even “They know that I’m smarter than the rest of them, and they don’t want to be intimidated.” Upon receiving some negative feedback someone might say, “He just needs to come up with reasons to not give me that salary increase” or “She always is putting me down but she doesn’t have the same standards for the rest of the team” or “He needs to find something against me because he’s afraid I will take his job.”

Why do people imagine these stories? There is something about our thought process that wants to tie up the loose ends or find an explanation for the unknown circumstances in which we find ourselves. It is difficult to simply shrug off things that happen to us, if they are deemed to have some personal importance. In these situations, it becomes almost a subconscious process in which our brain looks for possible explanations. This is especially true for people with substantial insecurities. A secure person is more capable of shrugging off a situation or telling themselves that there must be a logical explanation and waiting to find it later.

The problem that these internal stories present is the potential of acting upon an untrue story. Even if we don’t overtly act upon it, a false story can subconsciously create attitudes or actions that can have a negative impact. It is possible that the internal story then plays out in the attitude that we show in a future conversation, thus damaging a relationship or reputation.

Since these internal stories can be detrimental, we need to identify them and control them. The first step is awareness. Understand the phenomena in which our brain tries to tie up loose ends and look for the stories to pop up when we face conflict or disappointments. If we often tell ourselves a negative story, then we need to develop the habit of always questioning the story that our mind tells us in these situations. If we cannot find an explanation other than a negative story, then we must monitor our attitude in response.

What is the story that your mind tells you when you face disappointment or conflict?