One of the most frequently voiced complaints of leaders is the loneliness that accompanies the position of leader. The old saying, “It’s lonely at the top” frequently proves to be true. Leadership can create a feeling of isolation for several reasons:

Lack of peer relationships– As people progress up the ladder in an organization they have peers with whom they can exchange ideas or commiserate until they find themselves in the position of leader. As a leader of an organization and even sometimes as a team leader, a person can find that those peer relationships dissolve, either because the former peers see the leader in a different light or because the leader makes the dangerous choice of feeling they are above others.

The need for confidentiality– As a leader there are certain bits of information that cannot be shared. For example, leaders might be privy to certain personal struggles facing an individual team member. Or the leader may be involved in confidential business negotiations. Certain items must be held private by the leader. Allowing this confidentiality to control isolates the leader.

The tendency of the organization to hold the leader aloft– In some instances, for one reason or another, people in the organization do not have a reciprocal relationship with the leader. This could be caused by the leader being somewhat intimidating, often unintentionally. People might feel that the leader doesn’t have the time or interest to be bothered with relationships. “I don’t want to waste the leader’s time.” Or information might be withheld out of fear, either of repercussions or of loss of power by the team member.

Focus on others– Generally, leaders are wired to meet the needs of others. They spend so much of their time listening and giving to others, they do not benefit from the balanced conversation and idea exchange that meets their own social needs. Their relationships all become one-sided.

Work consumes all of life– Leaders can be focused on achieving results. When overly so, they actually do not have time for personal interactions that are not goal-related.

Difficulty in finding people that can understand – Sometimes the pressures or just the nature of the issues dealt with in leadership are unfamiliar territory for family members or casual friends. Without an ability to relate to the leader or vice versa, these family or casual friendships can leave a leader without the feeling of being understood.

And, dare we say, arrogance– Some people, when moved into a position of leadership, fall into the trap of thinking that they are better than those around them. They can think that they are smarter and have all the answers. They can mistake leadership for command and control and not see the need for relationship. These people push away others and drive themselves into isolation.

This feeling of isolation can leave a leader dissatisfied or even feeling empty. Relationship is a fundamental need that is a part of how we were designed and how we best function. Carrying a load of stress and responsibility without the fulfillment of social needs such as understanding, affirmation, empathy, and so forth leaves a leader emotionally and even physically exhausted. Intentional effort is required to break this feeling of isolation. Most often this effort needs to focus on building healthy and meaningful relationships that bridge the causes described above. The antidote to isolation is community. Some ways to defeat the isolation of leadership include the following:

Join a peer group.Since this isolation is a common complaint of leaders, there are many programs that provide a platform to build relationships with other leaders in which the group members relate well with each other and can help meet the social/emotional needs of other group members.

Develop a personal board of advisors.For a small business, a board of advisors might serve the dual purpose of meeting relational needs and providing some business guidance. Some leaders find it helpful to gather together a group that can know them deeply and keep them grounded.

Find a mentor or coach.Besides the normal function of advising or coaching, a relationship with a mentor or coach can provide some of the relational nutrients necessary for healthy integration.

The general requirement for breaking through the feeling of isolation is developing stable, meaningful relationships with people who can relate to the issues and responsibilities of leadership and who are able and willing to meet the relational/emotional needs that all leaders have.

Do you ever experience loneliness in your leadership role? What do you do about it?

(We at New Horizon Partners, Inc. organize peer groups for leaders that provide the opportunity for growth in a context of “one anothering” relationships. Please contact us if you would like to learn more.)